You can't say a lot on Birdforum without being:
a) shot down in flames
c) called a hoaxer in public
d) pulled about some dodjy spelling
e) pulled about some dodgy grammar'
f) called a sicko just for posting some 'artistic' pictures of naked ten year old boys.
I've been on the Yorkshire thread just lately and can actually understand how things do get twisted. The written word can sound harsh and can certainly be misconstrued. Oh I love cooking apples.
'What? You love the fruit the Cooking Apple? You're weird and a hoaxer'
No I just love the act of cooking some apples. You see? How many times has a text sounded a bit shirty yet the sender meant it all in good spirits? Never? Oh well fuck you all then.
Then I started having dreams. I had a dream like Danny Dyer's in Football Factory. I dreamt I'd just been in a massive off with Millwall (pronounced Miwow in the facking sarf) and got my head stoved in under an underpass. As I laid there half unconcious, a hoody type walked up and asked me if I was alright.
'Been better. How about you?'
'Me? Oh I'm dead mister' he said without showing me his face. I woke up screaming every time.
This same dream continued every night until one night the hoody type revealed his face. It was Bill Oddie. I woke up screaming again. This continued for some time until one night Bill Oddie spoke to me. He whispered 'Never try to be funny on Birdforum'.
Aaaaaarrrrrghhhh! What the fuck does that mean? I woke up screaming again and smashed my monitor with the nearest thing to hand, a copy of Razzle and half a pint of diluted orange in a pint glass from two days ago. This was it. What did Bill Oddie mean? Why didn't I use some other lame celebrity like Keith Chegwin to try and get just one single cheap laugh?
Do I go to Miwow? Should I dig the Forest Hills out and start towken facking cockney innit? I did neither. I care not about Miwow, it's Leeds at home in a couple of weeks. That's the one. Keep it tight City. Kev once told me; 'don't have any more than 4 pints, have a tiny dab of Billy, then wait til you see the whites of their eyes and fire at will'.
Bill Oddie walked upto me in the dark underpass. Blood trickled from my lip. And nose. He removed his hood to reveal his face and said in a 10 year old girls voice 'you alright mister? Never try to be funny on Birdforum'. Alright, alright I get it. From that very night I never tried to be funny on Birdforum again and the Bill Oddie dreams stopped. Well, not quite. I'm still in the underpass and a hoody still walks upto me but now it's Jo Guest before she got fat, she strips and I eat blueberries from her naked hand.
'you alright mister?' she says.
'Facking right I am' I say and look down at my Trimm Trabbs.
Near and Far
13 hours ago