Wednesday, 27 July 2011

'ip 'op

Dear Sir

After Nicola had totally fucked up the boxing (see previous post) the very next day was the men's Wimbledon Final.  Fine. I'm not a mad tennis fan but when it gets interesting I can watch it and when it's between two of the best in the world (Fed v Nadal, Fed v Djoko, or Nadal v Djoko) then I'm interested.  Andy Murray is some way behind these three.  Miles behind in fact, yet he's in front of 'the rest' I must admit.  4th in the world is definitely his place and his alone at the minute.  So there we are in the garden, kids in the paddling pool having a great time, Nicola and I sat lighting a BBQ and watching the juv Swifts amazing aerial displays with their close-harmony high speed chases with their parents and siblings, all savoured with a nice cold lager drink. Golf and tennis Sky-plussed because we're all outside and it's nice weather and that.  Only two things can be Sky-plussed at the same time.  Long story short.

Ruby wanting to have a rest for a bit.

Nicola takes her inside.

Ruby is bound to want to watch something on TV.

I say "if the tennis has finished, cancel that.  If not, cancel the golf"
Nicola sees that the tennis is finished.

Nicola presses the DELETE (yellow) button instead of cancelling it.

Tennis is deleted.

Nicola returns to the fresh outdoors.

Family fun continues and BBQ is success.

Olivia likes spicy chicken.

Lager drinks very nice.

Swifts now annoying and screeching has turned from beautiful bald baby swifts having a lark to harsh bastard ear splitting noise.

The sun goes down.

We return indoors and put tired baby bald children to bed.

Sky Planner is activated using green button.

Mark Quigley realises that the tennis no longer exists on said planner.

Mark Quigley starts digging another patio.

Spaceships start circling above our back garden as our garden has that many patios it is starting to resemble some sort of modern day Stonehenge.

The garden is now the only man made structure visible from space.

Noris Mcwhirter appears and confirms this.

All of you that think that the Great Wall of China is visible from space are very stupid.

Hey, so how y'all doing man?
Me?  Oh I'm fucking thanks man.
Apart from last week when an Asian man attacked me with a syringe, injected me with some form of sleeping liquid, whilst another Asian man attacked me with a scalpel, slashed me wide open the bastard, although it was good of him to quarterise the blood vessels as he went.  He then cut through muscle, dislocated my hip joint, ow, took a great big saw that resembled an oversized fucking hacksaw, lobbed a bit of bone off in anger then picked up a huge ball of steel with a huge horrible spike on the end and hammered sorry HAMMERED the fucker right the way into my raw femur sending blood and nerve endings everywhere.  He then relocated the ball into my open, bleeding pelvis socket, ow, and stitched me up like a kipper.  After this assault I wasn't amused.
"Why the fuck did you do that, you bastard?"
"You well veel bedder when you've gumroun vrom annazdedig mizder guiglee" said he and walked off into the sunset.
Right then, erm....thanks for that.

I've had a hip replacement.  It's going okay thanks for asking.
This is probably the strangest thing I've ever seen: CLICK HERE
An interactive play-along, be-the-surgeon hip replacement for you to enjoy at home!  There's some fucking strange stuff on the www I'll have you know.

For the last few Octobers there has been debate raging about the Scillies losing their cutting edge for rarities and as to why or even if this has happened.  I think I remember someone stating that there were only 4 official BB rarities one October a couple of year ago and that Shetland has now taken the mantle.  Observer numbers have dwindled but probably only because the birds have dwindled too.  I'm not going to go into this too much, reasons etc, but I picked up a few of my old magazines and came across this article from Richard Millington when he used to do his very good twitching/birding diary in Birdwatching magazine.

This is what he's highlighted from the Scillies from October 1987, obviously a good year...

Wood Thrush - first for Britain.....
Red-Eyed Vireo...
The usual Firecrests....
Rose-breasted Grosbeak...
Richard's Pipit....
Philadelphia Vireofirst for Britain!
Fuck off!

tristis Chiffchaff...
Marsh Warbler...
Scarlet Rosefinch...
Eye-Browed Thrush....
Swainson's Thrush....
Blackpoll Warbler.
Fuck off.

Our Rich must've just got steaming drunk on the 14th because he then goes onto:

Hermit Thrush - third for Britain
4 red rumps...
slowing down a bit.

Booted Warbler...
Radde's Warbler...
Melodious Warbler....
3 more red rumps...
Black Throated Thrush.

Something must've changed.  Surely?  Last year I think Raddes was about the best bird wasn't it?  Oh, Black Eared Wheatear as well wasn't there?  What's changed?  It can't be just observers can it?  Even if observer numbers are down drastically then at least one or two of the biggies listed above would still have been found and kept interest going in the archipaleagelgalo.  Weather?  No can't be.  Migration patterns?  Can't be, not in this relatively short space of time.  Shipping changes?  Now there's one.  Have shipping courses/routes/channels changed?  Now that would throw the cat amongst the pigeons.

See you on Shetland in October then.

Yours sincerely



Friday, 8 July 2011

Best build another patio...

Where have I been?  Let me tell you where I've been.
Yes, Ruckland.  84 fucking times.
This White-Tailed bastard Eaglet that's supposedly been at bastard Ruckland for an eternity has so far eluded me.  84 fucking times.  Another sad lonely man that was there said to this sad lonely man (yours truly) that he'd been there 3 times and not seen it.  3 times?  3?  Fuck all mate.  Wait til you get to 84 fucking times mate then come back. 

This post has started off very sweary hasn't it?  Very sweary indeed.

Last Saturday the lads was 'round at one of the lads houses for drinks, uppers, downers, all-arounders, curry, pizza and the boxing match twixt The Hayemaker and Dr Ironfisthammer.  Nicola was at one of her mates so I had the children until she came in and then I was off to the boxing.  
8:12 a text read:

Won't be long, see you in a bit x

Women always put a kiss on their texts.  Okay, I thought, I'll get to the fight easily, as they weren't scheduled to start whilst ten.  Half nine Nicola.  More texts.

Where the flying fuck are you?

(no kiss)

Won't be long x


9:45p.m.  Still no Nicola.  I best just book the fight at home.  We have no landline so couldn't book it through the remote. Tits.  Went online.....the site was down due to "high levels of traffic".  Tits.  Tried ringing them....all lines engaged.  Tits.  What the shall I do now?  Tits.  It's now gone ten and the fight is probably beginning. Tits.  I'm just gonna have to book it when the site calms down and watch it in morning.  Sorted.  No drinks with the lads but not to worry.  Tits.

12:10a.m.  Nicola finally wanders in and says "Haye got beat then..."

12:11a.m.  Nicola unconscious with a spade wrapped round her swede.

I of course don't advocate domestic violence of any kind. Saying that, the split arses want sexual equality don't they so what's wrong with a few stellas and a slap now and again? Same amount of prize money at Wimbledon and all that.  Well let them play 5-set matches all the way through the tournament then.  Same amount of money should equal same amount of games.  Not that I'm bothered. I'm not sexist either and to prove it I even watched a bit of the womens world cup.  I watched England and to be honest I don't think they can win it with the players they've got. Oh well, back to the chopping board.

Western Bonelli's near Manc land is tempting to solve the mid-summer night blues.