tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-90775666438272083402024-03-19T02:47:37.002-07:00Q@spurnmqhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17131819959517156965noreply@blogger.comBlogger241125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9077566643827208340.post-34606080506281090152024-02-12T22:25:00.000-08:002024-02-12T22:25:46.662-08:00Gregg Wallace: My Saturday<p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 28px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 3px;"><span style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">5am I wake up, as normal with my pyjamas covered in rice pudding and a lazy lob on. I check my emails and go and stand on the balcony whilst singing 80s pop classic “Gold” by Spandau</span><span style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;"> </span> <span style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">trying not to wake my wife Maureen. It’s a cold morning so I drink a full bucket of rice pudding in one and wave at the next door neighbour, Elton John, who is also up early and has several young men helping him in the garden wearing very little and dancing to</span><span style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;"> </span> <span style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">music a DJ is belting out. I think the DJ is Normski.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 28px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 3px;"><span style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;"><br /></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">7am I wake Maureen up so she can go sort our autistic son, Bernard, out and take his restraining straps off. He has, unbeknownst to me, been rather loudly voicing his needs throughout the night. Maureen makes coffee and I do a massive piss all over the kitchen floor.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">9am Gym. Exercise is good for the mind as well as the body. Eric Bristow once told me that. I have eight minutes on the rowing machine before drinking a full bucket of rice pudding and relaxing in the sauna. I get the staff to throw everyone else out as they are peasants. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">10am breakfast. Maureen makes eggs benedict but I have to tell her that the hollandaise isn’t thick enough, the eggs could do with a little more seasoning, and the muffin has been shop-bought and at this stage of the competition she should be making her own muffins. I put a ladder up to the 12-foot fence between my house and Elton Johns and climb up only to be met with scenes of debauchery and so forth. I make a hasty retreat and get Maureen to walk the dog. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">1230pm. I’ll have a snooze before lunch if Bernard will stop voicing his needs rather loudly, and retire to the drawing room. I dream about clouds, the ocean, and John Torode. 130pm lunch. Maureen has prepared Sea Bass, on a bed of sautéed potatoes, wilted spinach, and a full bucket of rice pudding. The rice pudding goes everywhere as usual as I attempt to neck it. Bernard has spaghetti hoops with custard but just throws it at the wall. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">258pm I try to spend time with Bernard regularly, even though I didn’t want a child. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">300pm I tie Bernard up as the footballs kicking off. I put Sky Sports News on and cringe every time there’s a goal in the Hartlepool game as the full panel (all women except for a disabled black guy) roll their eyes and reference previous host Jeffrey Stelling in “hilarious” scenes. My 5-fold accumulator isn’t looking good so I go to try to pass stools. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">445pm The acca isn’t looking good at all, but Leeds have had a good result by only conceding six at home to Dagenham and Redbridge. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">450pm Make that seven. I shout over to Elton John asking if I can borrow his lawnmower as I think Maureen should be cutting the grass. Elton John doesn’t answer as it appears he’s still revelling with Normski and the young scantily-clad gentlemen. He must be having a barbecue as there’s lots of sausage flying about, a lot of rump, all served with gentlemen’s relish. Double-entendres are cheap jokes, I find. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">6pm I suddenly inspect all the food cupboards manically, ripping out not one, not two, but three packets of Aldis own Spaghetti. There’s a blackcurrant jelly mix that’s out of date, an onion that’s gone bad, and an unopened jar of pickled red cabbage and it’s not even Christmas. I scream at Maureen “maureen, what on earth is going on here? We’re doing just what the general public do and that is waste food and overstock on groceries that will never be used”. Maureen started screaming “I’ve been so facking stupid, I’m so sorry Greg”, so I punched her in the kidneys as it’s spelt “Gregg” with two g’s. “We’ve got to sort this out” I said. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">7pm Tea. Maureen had Spaghetti with green onion served on a bed of red cabbage followed by jelly and I ordered a chinky. And you can all fuck off, that’s not racialist, it’s known as chinky. It is. Full chinky banquet is a Saturday treat for me. Bernard was still tied up so I’m not sure what he had but it will have been slightly overcooked and needed seasoning. I washed it all down with a full bucket of rice pudding. Ah-bosh! </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">8pm I retired to my quarters to work on my own catchphrase. I lit a cigar and changed into some fresh pyjamas and set aside a full bucket of rice pudding for the night ahead. I waved at Elton John and his depraved entourage only to be met with gun fire. I watched Mrs Doubtfire in bed but I didn’t think it was very good, I masturbated furiously, then shouted night to Maureen who was in her quarters and from a distant part of the house, I thought I could hear the sound of a child crying as I dozed off to sleep. </span></p>mqhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17131819959517156965noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9077566643827208340.post-24889341219060492782023-12-07T15:26:00.000-08:002023-12-07T15:55:38.172-08:00Female Waxing<p>As this is a birding blog and there’s lots of Waxwings around I’ve had to (obviously) analyse the pressing topic of female waxing habits. </p><p>And that’s a great segway. </p><p><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">After deep deliberation, we at Q@Spurn have deduced that only on 2 days in 2/3 weeks they’re happy with their leg hair. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Sponsored by ClamSmooth (trademark) here’s our findings: </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Women having their legs waxed. I get it. Smooth. A little treatment. Pampering. They can just brush spunk off without it getting caught up in pyoooobs. I get it. But, having their legs waxed isn’t simple, oh no. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">No way. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">They have to grow it/them for 2-3 weeks so the wax can get hold of them. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Now let’s analyse that. They want smooth legs. No problem. I get it. So what they do is grow their leg pyooobs for2-3 weeks then get them waxed so they’re really smooth. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Beaut. Nice. Fucking nice smooth shins. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">But. 12-24 hours later, the stubble will be starting to poke through. They’ve gone 2-3 weeks with unshaven, outrageous, spiky, HAIRY, out-of-order, and fucking smelly (maybe) leg hair for the sake of 12-24 hours of smooth, creamy legs PLUS the cost of £15-£35 pounds? </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">For me, that doesn’t quite make sense. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">I think this is all about the pampering aspect, something to tell their mate at the school gates an hour after they dropped their offspring off. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">2-3 weeks of hairy legs for 1 day of smoothness? For 30 quid? All because of a night out maybe? </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">“i’ve had my legs and clam waxed cos we’re out innit, I didn’t get my anus done cos I won’t lettem go near that, my husband has had to put up with my hairy legs and clam for the last 2-3 weeks but fuck him, we’re out. And that.”</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Blokes build up to a night out at 18 was to have a wank in the bath so they’d last longer if they pulled later.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Preparation. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Back to female clams and the waxing issue….</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">If the lucky victim had been waxed very recently then fine, you’ve caught them lucky, if they haven’t, you’re not bothered about the hairy legs, the mohair knickers. in fact you don’t even notice. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Has any bloke ever said:</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">“I aren’t shagging her, she might have hairy legs for them being waxed and, even worse, how am I gonna concentrate if she’s got hairy shins? <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>I’ve had 14 pints of lager, a Diamond White,, two Mick Jaggers and a line of cheap whizz, I’m not risking shin hair, I’ll just go do a wank to Eurotrash” </span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">“and a kebab”</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">No man has ever said that. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">So men everywhere, tell your missus to shave various parts of their anatomy regularly and vice versa as and when you both feel it benefits all parties and have a deep, really deep, discussion about pyooooooooobs. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">In summary, if I had to have various parts looking good, I’d much rather have them looking “fine” for 13-20 days of 2-3 weeks rather than looking “great” for one day of 2-3 weeks and the rest of the time it looks like a kebab that you spilt everywhere, or The Haywain by Constable, or the floor in a barbers shop at half four in the afternoon. </span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">I don’t think I’ve ever looked at my many (7) conquests and actually KNOWN if they had hairy or smooth legs. You don’t do you? I’m ignorant you see. </span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><br /><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><br /><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><br /></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Fin.</span></p>mqhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17131819959517156965noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9077566643827208340.post-12135257356348320242023-11-05T15:12:00.001-08:002023-11-05T15:12:28.092-08:00Not a Clue<p><span style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">I don’t understand shatterproof rulers.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Do you? </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">I understand that the manufacturers don’t want them to shatter easily. But, when you think about this, this benefits nobody. The manufacturer or the buyer. So. I’ve never had a ruler shatter on me. Have you? </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Probably because they’re shatterproof. To make a ruler shatter I’d have to put some force into it. When using a ruler, I’m usually quite calm and drawing straight lines, so if I were to make that ruler shatter, I must WANT it to shatter, as in, somethings annoyed me, maybe the ruler has annoyed me, so I SMASH it on the desk or similar everyday household object. But it doesn’t shatter! </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Because It’s shatterproof. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">That’s shatter. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">proof. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">So it doesn’t shatter even though I want it to. All other times, when drawing lines, or measuring random things, etc, the ruler is never in danger of shattering. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">So, it doesn’t shatter when you want it to. Now, the manufacturers would surely sell more rulers if they did actually shatter? Let’s say someone goes mental while they’re drawing really straight lines and takes it out on the poor ruler only to find it doesn’t shatter so throws another arbitrary object at the wall and shatters it thus relieving his/her anger. They then replace the arbitrary object that they’ve just smashed instead of the ruler the very next day, thus the manufacturer of said arbitrary object gains another sale. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">So we can’t smash the ruler if we want to, and it’s not going to shatter itself, but if it did the manufacturers would gain another sale in stationary goods that not only measure random things but you can also draw really straight lines with. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">No one gains. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Fucking no one. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Multi-purpose Compost. I thought this through. I’m not a gardener. But I thought I’d give it a whirl. I bought some multi purpose compost. I planted some things that can only be described as plants in said compost. What else can this multi purpose item be used for? I ate some. It didn’t taste very nice to be honest but I hadn’t eaten since June (it was September) so I tucked in and had a slice of bread with it. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">It wasn’t very nice. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">So I put some of it in my car. Like, on the back seats and in the petrol tank. I broke down literally 40 seconds later and had to clean the back seats because there was a load of compost on it. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Them. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">So I put some on my head. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">That’s it. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Nothing happened. Obviously. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Then I put multi purpose compost in my roof space and to this day I’m not sure whether it has made any difference or not. All I know is that there’s limited purposes for compost. So to advertise it as multi purpose is scandalous. It is pretty good for growing plants in, but it tastes shit, cannot be used as fuel for a car, doesn’t do anything to your head but may add some benefit to your loft space even though it smells after 6-8 weeks. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Begonias. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Head and Shoulders buyers. None of you have dandruff. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">“I don’t”. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">So you don’t need to buy Head and Shoulders. Buy, erm, a cheaper shampoo because you don’t have dandruff. Only buy expensive stuff like that if you’ve got dandruff or you simply don’t care about your hair or your appearance. Or your tits. I’m not sure where that last bit came from. It was a bit of an outburst. I’m sorry. </span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 9px 0px 8px;"><br /></p>mqhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17131819959517156965noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9077566643827208340.post-59494988192999250202023-10-24T15:04:00.000-07:002023-10-24T15:04:15.601-07:00Quilt Shenanigans. <p> Welcome to my world. I know all two of you are “desperate” to read my Shetland 2023 write up but tonight there’s more pressing information. Today, I washed my bedding. Now, as a very sensible man that lives on his own sort of, I have two, maybe three different changes of bedding, one or two ready to go on, the other can just fuck off into the washing machine and get fucking washed in fucking non-bio fucking wash powder until the fucker is clean, at this stage I’ll take the fucker out of the fucking washing machine and dry the bastard. </p><p>I realise at this point, I’ve got a little over excited and, perhaps, angry for some reason regarding the washing of said bedding.</p><p>So, it was a long day, the bedding was washing itself at home. The clean bedding hiding in the second draw down like a duvet set realising just what fate it awaited. Being a long day, I decided to get blathered. On a Tuesday. Just as a release, obviously. </p><p>Work finally finished, I tackled medial tasks like the bedding. Not hard. </p><p>Ground sheet, and that is the campers term for it not mine, went straight on. Elasticated, self-embracing bottom sheet, straight on. This is easy. Pillows, fuck off. Straight on. No bother. </p><p>Quilt. And I’m a master of quiltery I can tell you. Until now.</p><p>Naked quilt, quilt cover. Sort it. So I did the required stuff. Set it all out and started stuffing the quilt into said quilt cover. I then realised the quilt cover was inside out. Start again. But then, some of it was inside out and the other not. Does that make sense? </p><p>So, here’s the crux. Because something so trivial was boxing my tiny mind, I decided to embrace it every time it went wrong by having a livener and a beer just to do my own head in. This isn’t normal and needs to be addressed. I realise this. But it became a game. Right then, this is easy, but then I got it wrong again. The quilt BASTARD was sideways. Start again. Have another livener because it’s now good fun for this simple thing to be beating a simpleton on a Tuesday. The more I went wrong, the more I wanted to go wrong just for comedy value in my own tiny mind. </p><p>Some of it was really inside-out but some of it, erm, the right way ‘round. What’s going on? Livener. </p><p>Press studs. Sort of. So I sealed the quilt with the press buttons at the bottom. By the end, there were two spare male parts and no female parts. A common trait on most Fridays for some. </p><p>I aren’t having this. The fucking buttons are fucked. Why haven’t the buttons lined up? Right, because it’s doing my nut in again, I’ll have a livener just to do my nut in even more! I’m liking it. The more it goes wrong the more I’m liking it baffling me. </p><p>So I undid the buttons-type-press studs type things. </p><p>“Right, get your head on” thought Mark, now writing in the third person. </p><p>I tried to start again. But now it had done my head in, in an amusing way, I had to carry on ENJOYING the total fuckwittery that I’d succumbed to over the last c.45 minutes. If I fuck up again it will be funny. </p><p>Another livener, I’m now off my fucking head putting a quilt cover on on a Tuesday night and enjoying the fact that something so simple is becoming so difficult! Embrace it. </p><p>The next attempt, the quilt (or the quilt cover) were again at ninety degrees to each other. This wasn’t my fault, it was merely either: </p><p>a) The quilts fault; or</p><p>b) The quilt covers fault. </p><p>After ORDERING “them” to get into alignment, I stood there for at least 80 minutes, had another livener and decided to align these inanimate objects myself.</p><p>To no avail yet again. </p><p>The quilt had, by now, jumped out of the window (if some person absolutely off their nut had felicitated this, I am not sure) leaving the quilt cover to fend for itself. </p><p>I shouted “Don’t leave me” to no one in particular, and no one answered. </p><p>I’m now freezing with no quilt (it’s fucked off). </p><p>I’m so desperately sad. </p><p><br /></p><p>Fin. </p>mqhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17131819959517156965noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9077566643827208340.post-1804541940156257972023-09-25T14:09:00.003-07:002023-09-25T14:20:11.938-07:00GTA. <p> Eldest plays Grand Theft Auto. Where you steal cars, visit strip clubs, do drug deals, shoot the Police, etc. She is seven after all. </p><p>So I started playing it. I asked her the actual aim of the game. She said “don’t get nicked, don’t get shot, don’t die, you lose if you die”, Which is usually the case on various games including Pac-man, Snake and Scramble. Okay. So I started playing. Easy. I got in my online car and drove to the designated speed limits. Indicating as I went, I wasn’t in an Audi. It was quite easy but after a while I got a little bit bored and returned to my new online home. Then I got in my online car and drove to the speed limits. THIRTEEN HOURS I drove around to the legal limit, no police chases, no drug deals, no shooting, fuck all. Well there wouldn’t be would there? I went to bed thinking of how many times I’d visited an online imaginary petrol station and how many times I’d gone back to my imaginary online home only to get bored and go for a drive with my seatbelt on. I think I won the game but it didn’t really suggest that I had, indeed, won the game. Ruby, meanwhile, had been killed 38 times, “skord” class A drugs and visited places where imaginary “hoes” dance seductively to the imaginary online world. She had run down 83 pedestrians, been involved in police chases driving at least 56 mph in a 30 zone, car jacked some poor mo fo, had 12 gun fights with the filth, shagged 18 hoes, nicked a school bus and driven it into the middle of Chesterfield, making the residents of Chesterfield going about their daily business run and hide. But I won! So who’s the winner? Me. I had safe, legal fun.</p><p>GTA fun facts:</p><p>1) GTA was originally called “Drive Within Regulations” (DWR) and had a sub-title “don’t Get killed” but no one bought it. As it wasn’t very good. </p><p>2) Police frown upon the use of drugs and also……..stealing cars. </p><p>3) And hookers.</p><p>7) TonyKnowles, the snookerist from Bolton, once potted the final black with his cock! I know! Mad innit?! Whether he chalked the end we are not sure of as it’s not on YouTube. </p><p>4) I’ve just realised that we’ve just jumped straight to Tony Knowles.</p><p>5) So “we” need to put some sort of link (segway) in between. </p><p>6) Popular randy 80s sexual snooker player Tony Knowles once played GTA but he just kept going to the online snooker hall for hours until he hadn’t bought a drink, the light had gone out, but he carried on playing! The online bartender asked Tony to put more money in the light but Tony just got sexual. That’s it. </p><p>8) Tony Knowles used to get sexual quite often, even during matches. </p><p>9) Tony Knowles highest break is 58.He once told me in confidence. In a sexy pub. But then he gave a big “wink” and I didn’t know what he meant to be honest. Did he mean he’s never had a 58 break? Or did he mean that his highest break is more than 58? Or did he mean his highest break was 58 in some of sexual way? We, at Q@Spurn, cannot be sure. Knowing Tony Knowles it must have been something sexual.</p><p>10) As this is a birding blog today I saw a Chaffinch.She had been bummed by Tony Knowles. In the 80s. I know.,Mad innit? I’m not sure how long Chaffinches live. He never rang her after that. Animal. </p><p>11) After Googling “How long do Chaffinches live?” We found out that the oldest living Chaffinch is one owned by Dennis Taylor. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p>Disgraceful scenes.</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p>…..</p><p>….</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>mqhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17131819959517156965noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9077566643827208340.post-54900459428369783972023-05-01T10:36:00.000-07:002023-05-01T10:36:36.842-07:00Q@Spurn WORLD EXCLUSIVE! Fred West: His final interview!<p>World exclusive! Never seen before made-up interview with everyone’s favourite mass murderer, the one and only, lovable Fred West! This was just weeks before his sad demise. </p><p>Q: Thanks for joining us Fred, how are you today? </p><p>Fred: Yeah, I’m fine, thanks for asking. What have you been upto? Have you had breakfast?</p><p>Q: Yeah, Ive had scrambled egg. I think I’m meant to ask the questions to be honest! What drove you to do such inhumane acts? </p><p>Fred: Do you have it with brown sauce?</p><p>Q: Yes, I did actually.</p><p>Fred: I like it, or them, with brown sauce too. How many people have you killed?</p><p>Q: None. Yet. </p><p>Fred: Plenty of time. Ha ha ha, I’m such a lovable rogue aren’t I? Ha. Have you got any pets?</p><p>Q: Yes, Ive got a dog called fucking Daisy. With a pink lead. Who calls a dog Daisy these days? I look really butch shouting Daisy on field.</p><p>Fred: Why don’t you kill it and leave it’s remains under the floorboards? I’m so lovable. </p><p>Q: I never really thought of that Fred to be honest. How come you’re asking the questions, it’s meant to be me doing the interview? </p><p>Fred: Nuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Go on then. </p><p>Q: When you used to spy on your tenants engaging in sexual intercourse, what was you actually doing?</p><p>Fred: Bran Flakes.</p><p>Q: Bran Flakes?! What does that mean? I’m not sure what you mean?</p><p>Fred: Neither do I. I was obviously masturbating furiously. I mean, come on, that’s a stupid question isn’t it? </p><p>Q: Fair enough. You seen out of Rose?</p><p>Fred: No, she’s serving multiple life sentences in a womens jail. </p><p>Q: Do you think you’ll see her again?</p><p>Fred: No. She’s serving multiple life sentences in a womens jail. </p><p>Q: Was Rose involved in all of the murders?</p><p>Fred West: Yes. She’s serving multiple life sentences in a womens jail.</p><p>Q: Who’s idea was it? I mean, how does the topic of spying on tenants, murdering them, and stashing their remains in your house first get raised?</p><p>Fred: Just an accident really. I think we were watching Play Your Cards Right and they got a Queen and went lower, and it was another Queen. So I went and cut a hole in the ceiling and starting watching the tenants having sexual intercourse.</p><p>Q: What self-respecting landlord could do more? So how did Rose react to this?</p><p>Fred: She played Now That’s What I Call Music 3. I’ve wrote a poem about her though. “my Rose has left me, I’m in a mood. She’s gone to Kenya, with a bloke from Allied Carpets”. (vic and bob)</p><p>Q: I’m not even sure what I’m talking about here Fred West.</p><p>Fred: Neither do I Q, this is all a bit surreal and stupid even for you. Are you pissed? </p><p>Q: A little bit. Sorry Fred West. You’re a really nice chap though.</p><p>Fred: Thanks. I’m just misunderstood. Nobody means to rape, murder and bury their tenants and daughters. I actually think you’ve gone a bit too far now, even for you.</p><p>Q: Do you get picked on in prison? </p><p>Fred: Yeah a little bit, but I get my own back by cutting holes in the walls and spying on them, like Clint Eastwood in Escape From Alcatraz. </p><p>Q: So, what’s the worst thing that’s happened to you in prison?</p><p>Fred: They call me “Tuna” sometimes. They started calling me “John” West after the tinned fish magnate. Then it went to John West Salmon. They’re so mean. Then just to be really mean, they called me Tuna. After the tuna in tins by John West. It got me down for a while but I got over it. Hopefully it’s FINished now. </p><p>Q: You said that on Porpoise.</p><p>Fred: Oh Cod.</p><p>Q: Are you allowed to speak to Rose? </p><p>Fred: Yeah we speak most days. I’m usually too busy but I still answer because I’m nice like that. </p><p>Q: What’s your middle name? </p><p>Fred: Shitsauce.</p><p><br /></p>mqhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17131819959517156965noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9077566643827208340.post-81648381648925298762023-04-01T09:23:00.002-07:002023-04-01T09:23:57.870-07:00Alpine Swifts and Pop Tarts<p>“Where oh where have you been Q?” I hear you cry. I’ve been to Chapel St Leonard’s near Skeggy and looked right at the two Alpine Swift that were frolicking with gay abandon betwixt chimney stacks and the like. I like Alpine Swifts. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPrziKZMHvLvgPWg3Rf1E31uIGRCFRLR3MVZ-IEYSyBLhauIy92mPlS923EnWFq9gZzzEdcA_8K7pKugAZM-Kt268ZX3h7heT6VIILwBJkk_g7QQmF5BXwi2uASsDpfWNRIvhRsMrvJLsPmm1nkqnpqzyuSK3sEgvvWBON1R3jCq3IjTSNA7_U53y2/s422/E7648730-C464-4B21-8ED6-0E58A7AAE35E.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="422" data-original-width="343" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPrziKZMHvLvgPWg3Rf1E31uIGRCFRLR3MVZ-IEYSyBLhauIy92mPlS923EnWFq9gZzzEdcA_8K7pKugAZM-Kt268ZX3h7heT6VIILwBJkk_g7QQmF5BXwi2uASsDpfWNRIvhRsMrvJLsPmm1nkqnpqzyuSK3sEgvvWBON1R3jCq3IjTSNA7_U53y2/s320/E7648730-C464-4B21-8ED6-0E58A7AAE35E.jpeg" width="260" /></a></div><p>Thanks Leo. The 66 into town will never be the same. </p><p>In a seamless segway, speaking of pretending to drive buses with your own makeshift steering wheel, here’s some Van Halen facts:</p><p>1). Van Halen were named after their guitarist, Eddie Stevens. They could’ve been called “Lee Roth” if they'd chosen to name the band after lead singer Dave lee Roth. </p><p>2). There were two Van Halens in the original line up, Eddie and his brother. I can’t remember his brothers name. </p><p>3). Bros we’re called “Bros” because it’s short for “brothers” but bassist Ken Logan felt left out. And rightly so. Imagine being in a band where they’re all brothers, and the band is named BROTHERS, yet you’re not even related? They ignored Ken most of the time. I feel a bit sorry for Ken. </p><p>4). Ken had had enough one day, and refused to play bass whilst recording Cat Amongst the Pigeons. Ken sat in the corner and sulked word has it.</p><p>5). Matt and Luke just giggled and pointed at Ken and wouldn’t give him a Pop Tart for his dinner.</p><p>6). Ken was well hungry man, and rang his mum and his mum told him to come home and Ken went home and his mum did him super noodles and Ken ate them and felt loved again. Beautiful.</p><p>7). The original lyrics to “Jump” by Van Halen read “Can’t ya see me standin here I got my back against the jukebox, I ain’t the worst that you’ve seen, Ah can’t ya see what I mean?” but then pint sized pop singer Prince pointed out that it didn’t quite rhyme and suggested Record Ma-cheeeeyeeeen instead of Jukebox and they all agreed and then changed “seen” to seeee-yeeen” and “mean” to “meeeeeeyeeen!” ah might as well jump and the rest is history. </p><p>8). Most people called Van something are from Holland. And most of them play darts. Eddie van Halen once played Dave Lee Roth at darts. But not in Holland! I know, mad innit? </p><p>9) There is no number nine</p><p>10). Nobody can name more than two Van Halen songs. Even Van Halen fans. Or the band. Next time you see Dave Lee Roth ask him. He says “jump” four or five times. </p><p>Sainsburys:</p><p>“hi Dave, surely you don’t need that many teabags?”</p><p>“Well, I sure as hell do man”</p><p>“can you name three Van Halen songs?”</p><p>“Yeah, erm, Jump?”</p><p>“There’s one”</p><p>“Erm……What an Atmosphere?”</p><p>“Russ Abbott, Dave”.</p><p>“Green Door?”</p><p>“Shakey”</p><p>“what about Jump?”</p><p>“You’ve said that Dave”. </p><p>“Have I said Jump?”</p><p>“Yeah Dave”. </p><p>“What about I Surrender?”</p><p>“that was Rainbow Dave”</p><p>“Jump?”</p><p>“You’ve said that Dave”</p><p>“What was that one by Whitesnake?”</p><p>“it was by Whitesnake whatever it was Dave”</p><p>“Have I said Jump?”</p><p>“Yes. Dave”.</p><p>“Purple Rain?”</p><p>“Prince, Dave”</p><p>“Didn’t he write Jump?”</p><p>“A bit of it yes Dave”.</p><p>“I give in then. Where’s the Pop Tarts?”</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFsRF30x-n5-ZnPQrPJ-zk6I4fdVYnbDoaax2PV5GGNOcdmMc7Mwy5t5yPB30F3zTRwl_xu4iQtK4c-KdeX-20EMA_QQTs1OhMcd_TKengj2qxmjlsnB5iudBFaLBxU2JFOvCVvpjE8Yz9Vu-9Ui83FwOfxjZfi0xH1oOQF4TvnnPOiI9RX_oBjJj5/s364/DF606765-B45D-4DE8-A043-E363361391B5.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="364" data-original-width="205" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFsRF30x-n5-ZnPQrPJ-zk6I4fdVYnbDoaax2PV5GGNOcdmMc7Mwy5t5yPB30F3zTRwl_xu4iQtK4c-KdeX-20EMA_QQTs1OhMcd_TKengj2qxmjlsnB5iudBFaLBxU2JFOvCVvpjE8Yz9Vu-9Ui83FwOfxjZfi0xH1oOQF4TvnnPOiI9RX_oBjJj5/s320/DF606765-B45D-4DE8-A043-E363361391B5.jpeg" width="180" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>mqhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17131819959517156965noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9077566643827208340.post-25184438752843024292023-02-25T06:48:00.000-08:002023-02-25T06:48:16.368-08:00Shetland Reprise and hyphen-tastic <p> So yeah.</p><p>A totally crazy end to a crazy week. Seeing the Least Bittern with literally minutes to spare just about sums up our Shetland. We saw everything we went to see. I hear there were some just minutes behind us that didn’t get to see it. Incredible, a different mega every day we were there. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgp_imQl5cnc3MI9eVJIO9a_ugdJSME-XLe7oCBNt1hpJAXaLun_5m-8UQzAsZUH7cgTuzM_wKzZbA6B0aslS_EW8W-V35NA9tVGXM4by2Ul2zcfZbXkTmiK0PsqnkUEmjrSpLNkg93wmhP0ITmb8-DkRkdXHvjHzrpPSjHOiyUD2c8sgpHijNIrrlv/s359/12175469-B046-4DD7-89CA-6A34C057D365.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="359" data-original-width="246" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgp_imQl5cnc3MI9eVJIO9a_ugdJSME-XLe7oCBNt1hpJAXaLun_5m-8UQzAsZUH7cgTuzM_wKzZbA6B0aslS_EW8W-V35NA9tVGXM4by2Ul2zcfZbXkTmiK0PsqnkUEmjrSpLNkg93wmhP0ITmb8-DkRkdXHvjHzrpPSjHOiyUD2c8sgpHijNIrrlv/s320/12175469-B046-4DD7-89CA-6A34C057D365.jpeg" width="219" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">In the two visits we’ve been to Shetland, ten days total, we’ve seen:</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">LANCEY</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Eastern yellow wag</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Semi P</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Ortolan (pah!)</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Western Bonellis</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">YELLOW RUMPED WARBLER </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Rustic Bunt</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Sibe stonechat</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Woodchat</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">PECHORA PIPIT</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Bluethroat (found)</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Rosefinch</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Arctic Redpoll</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">2 White Billed Diver</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">3 king eider</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Ring-neck Duck</div></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">LEAST BITTERN</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Quite incredible.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">And obviously the padders, Yellow Brows, Great Northerns, Slav Grebe, Bonxies etc.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Yellow Brows don’t even warrant a mention up there really. I think we found 13 ourselves but that’s just the norm. But whilst thinking about Yellow Brows earlier today, I started doing Roobs some soup and cheese-and-crackers. I had to go back and hyphenate that as it read like “some soup and cheese and crackers” which is different to “some soup and cheese-and-crackers” do you know what I mean? The cheese was now in a square shape not the usual rectangle-style (hyphen) mature cheddar!? Had the cheese companies changed it to suit a standard cracker I wondered? We don’t have to patch it in to cover the cracker? But then I realised I’d not been to sleep and was still out of my tiny mind on uppers and downers. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I still needed to find out.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjInpxREVlrGjivMGGjRSTbVVPe1Eu5wgVTLPf7NdnRiMebcDr2Vs8oe9pToAoWMLsdjpf1ba7NqLDuiqxWekyUuBK4WhCN1Aa-z61RtFhKv-3RrFekWo8gbAsDXr2Vttrt9teZUTTgJmDxRiz_a1sCAjIxw84PcY1-4W03p8fVybbB1LXRHQREiLBp/s479/7A25909C-13DA-40CD-BF92-63E69978F3A2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="340" data-original-width="479" height="227" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjInpxREVlrGjivMGGjRSTbVVPe1Eu5wgVTLPf7NdnRiMebcDr2Vs8oe9pToAoWMLsdjpf1ba7NqLDuiqxWekyUuBK4WhCN1Aa-z61RtFhKv-3RrFekWo8gbAsDXr2Vttrt9teZUTTgJmDxRiz_a1sCAjIxw84PcY1-4W03p8fVybbB1LXRHQREiLBp/s320/7A25909C-13DA-40CD-BF92-63E69978F3A2.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>Square. ness. See? It’s not me is it? <div>So I prepared to try out my theory and placed said square cheese on BUTTERED cracker, I don’t even get cheap margarine for the kids anymore oh no sir. (ha). See the initial results below: </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjx-GLPqootatwqoNQvaOnLHROilopIbp7THv0sYw9npeEt-K--aWoj1U8WHM2-Bg5yp4s84lBEe0fnzJq_2oEND7HTqY-BZuGfEmEEWs3rTA4PKdbh7OQqHBoZTpeCL3aBWtyK5FpN-owDMMmh_OnzU5GEb6pB8ls5yDC4VkResDrLLpVmVWP0r2fh/s549/5DCF1058-E88E-4E74-BCBC-DF58A2C48DD6.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="463" data-original-width="549" height="270" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjx-GLPqootatwqoNQvaOnLHROilopIbp7THv0sYw9npeEt-K--aWoj1U8WHM2-Bg5yp4s84lBEe0fnzJq_2oEND7HTqY-BZuGfEmEEWs3rTA4PKdbh7OQqHBoZTpeCL3aBWtyK5FpN-owDMMmh_OnzU5GEb6pB8ls5yDC4VkResDrLLpVmVWP0r2fh/s320/5DCF1058-E88E-4E74-BCBC-DF58A2C48DD6.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">No way. I’m not having that! What are these cheese manufacturers up to? It’s almost as if they make the cheese in such a shape and size as to reduce production costs to the optimum!? So I came to the conclusion after passing out stood up for an unknown length of time that the cheese did NOT offer enough coverage of cracker area. It was clear that smaller slices were needed to patch in.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTYe9Dqs5dCe-oEOsfCoirKmqM7gNT6FwN4RZdIJnjsRRYPPC2_yCnTNs5QUK2b-Qok9hpD_kxzkV1wrflq_91JbwhOduHhgH_yydSxvqJLbN9MgHyAKOrotXC3iy_FuoJfDds5ubQWwS1o4o9qck-RozO1hdGG7vUNyTbLWjf8hYJd3spT9D8DhNd/s603/40CF973E-CFBF-4625-A8DF-A030188A9B23.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="437" data-original-width="603" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTYe9Dqs5dCe-oEOsfCoirKmqM7gNT6FwN4RZdIJnjsRRYPPC2_yCnTNs5QUK2b-Qok9hpD_kxzkV1wrflq_91JbwhOduHhgH_yydSxvqJLbN9MgHyAKOrotXC3iy_FuoJfDds5ubQWwS1o4o9qck-RozO1hdGG7vUNyTbLWjf8hYJd3spT9D8DhNd/s320/40CF973E-CFBF-4625-A8DF-A030188A9B23.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1AxC7NZ-w47SQ3sfdMlqtb-sm1Jh0CoyoWr4Dl_OI3PpdFDrGXXbyOKQp86VBax-m9J1iilWV6G3wxhn3fgPrfNFdDieQBwqHSB-tILc1tmMUbGE-rNLC_d278Qb1qivJ7J9-hn_AFpUYlx3h0kxhjsKzQHer_xFyRI12gdxSoqFoM9hNW-P9Aagn/s497/B9EE97A3-A65A-4957-B58B-F14A18659174.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="497" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1AxC7NZ-w47SQ3sfdMlqtb-sm1Jh0CoyoWr4Dl_OI3PpdFDrGXXbyOKQp86VBax-m9J1iilWV6G3wxhn3fgPrfNFdDieQBwqHSB-tILc1tmMUbGE-rNLC_d278Qb1qivJ7J9-hn_AFpUYlx3h0kxhjsKzQHer_xFyRI12gdxSoqFoM9hNW-P9Aagn/s320/B9EE97A3-A65A-4957-B58B-F14A18659174.jpeg" width="309" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">The results were fine Roobs said. But to achieve optimum coverage the effort required and the stages actioned were the same as a traditional rectangular-shaped (hyphen) milk-based (hyphen) savoury foodstuff. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Three “slices” came from one large “slice”. I’d made Roobs four crackers, therefore, economically, the optimum number of crackers is in multiples of three. Four, as today, shows a wastage of two thirds of a slice or offer the disgraceful behaviour of leaving one cracker short. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinG5jASsT8owGz4WVOHJJX5nySTeBkzJf1BLjprRmbywapGY6DrKmqSw2y4ZLb9BtL_0OFeK9LvoGJ8UPDHkE2hO7GLGpA9rbVGR2dkWNmDpc6F7gcuT3SIwgdY2FX9E7wyCeQYAYfMBKyAcZiIBvOL_lHFonv-aUlwAQ4mrITsAeMuY99g9KvzUpa/s457/93E3725C-AE31-4A26-B028-AEE88F9D26FF.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="457" data-original-width="453" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinG5jASsT8owGz4WVOHJJX5nySTeBkzJf1BLjprRmbywapGY6DrKmqSw2y4ZLb9BtL_0OFeK9LvoGJ8UPDHkE2hO7GLGpA9rbVGR2dkWNmDpc6F7gcuT3SIwgdY2FX9E7wyCeQYAYfMBKyAcZiIBvOL_lHFonv-aUlwAQ4mrITsAeMuY99g9KvzUpa/s320/93E3725C-AE31-4A26-B028-AEE88F9D26FF.jpeg" width="317" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">See slice diagram above. I simply threw the wastage on the floor and the new dog ate it. At this point I realised yet again that I was still off my fucking head and had been making cheese-and-crackers (yep) and photographing the stages to add to a bird blog for no one to read for the last four-and-a-half (sigh) hours. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKUfEVLRwgD_akR1akKGcUyMNR8INAXwjq_tVuWk3LU3kQvq2qIGSEzPkek4Z2ytYfvWK3WrogVhWT8xIrc2mhiLdY5csws3uceGuQONhq6BYYnaRD08qzMoqurIRihPaf_pVGVInldRt9DRofFOU0yJXQRxZJF6ZXFzMDsmYR-wnvpIFa9UAuNe3r/s347/46AC1139-FC6C-4A0F-AC7B-F450D98F0791.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="347" data-original-width="213" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKUfEVLRwgD_akR1akKGcUyMNR8INAXwjq_tVuWk3LU3kQvq2qIGSEzPkek4Z2ytYfvWK3WrogVhWT8xIrc2mhiLdY5csws3uceGuQONhq6BYYnaRD08qzMoqurIRihPaf_pVGVInldRt9DRofFOU0yJXQRxZJF6ZXFzMDsmYR-wnvpIFa9UAuNe3r/s320/46AC1139-FC6C-4A0F-AC7B-F450D98F0791.jpeg" width="196" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Thanks to Leo for the vital household tips in these difficult economic times</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">………..</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div></div>mqhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17131819959517156965noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9077566643827208340.post-13305632715342968402023-01-14T15:10:00.000-08:002023-01-14T15:10:39.000-08:00Shetland. Day 5. <p> Sing Hosannas it’s a Boy. Merry Christmas to all three of my readers. Or if you’re muslim, sikh, etc Merry Christmas as you should embrace our culture just as we are being forced to endure, sorry, embrace yours. </p><p>Political rant out of the way early, we move on to a quite incredible chain of events on the Land of Shet (credit Ruby Q) on the last day, day five, also<br /> known around those parts as Friday. </p><p>We started the day heading up to Unst for the long staying Ortolan which Joel quite incredibly “needed” for his super spotter top jotter crazy botter tick list. So we went and looked at it. Right at it. It was right at the top of the English county of Scotland. I even screenshotted my location just to send the girls. I’ll have a look for it now hang on. No, I can’t find it but I can sense you’re not even bothered anyway. I don’t know why I bother. </p><p>So we saw the Ortolan and Joel did a jig on the beach. The beaches in Shetland are really nice, and I’m not even talking shite for once. In fact here you go seeing as you didn’t believe me: </p><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg67UnBdMnHc3ObU6WN_s69JCtflCZwFMx7Y7XioSTveH7NA4d6DENrBdjNnuIcIxfXogmQ1MhEjXz79hJjyTwjO3fcqQZvLFOQGVRjPN6mel7ib2fiM8FrMBWGJmVFM5F2WP3Izu3okxDdkX1cOjVQFy3W7prZmatWB3cEIMwmdv6P8u079GI0ImKN/s768/E99F9262-0A79-4CFF-932A-711E7E87D158.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="432" data-original-width="768" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg67UnBdMnHc3ObU6WN_s69JCtflCZwFMx7Y7XioSTveH7NA4d6DENrBdjNnuIcIxfXogmQ1MhEjXz79hJjyTwjO3fcqQZvLFOQGVRjPN6mel7ib2fiM8FrMBWGJmVFM5F2WP3Izu3okxDdkX1cOjVQFy3W7prZmatWB3cEIMwmdv6P8u079GI0ImKN/s320/E99F9262-0A79-4CFF-932A-711E7E87D158.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div></blockquote><br /><div>Told you. </div><div>We ran along the beach singing Pebbles on a Beach by Paul Weller but not because we were on a beach oh no sir. It was merely because we were sure he mentions Ortolan Buntings in the lyrics but we’re really not sure if this is true. Or not. I don’t really like beaches. You get fucking sand everywhere don’t you? Now I know you must EXPECT to get sand everywhere because a beach is, erm, made out of sand or summat, but it stays with you for weeks. I took the kids to Withernsea beach in summer and two weeks later they were still able to build sand-mosques on the back seat of the car. I drove past Bridlington beach once and had to dig the dog out out of the car. Just googling the above photo, Ive ended up with sand in my blueberries. I was only gonna have one anyway. So I don’t like sand but paradoxically I like beaches. </div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRlK14wTT4yy9Q53CIQg8vPynIxMLWClYrM3Bz1NoY4qYpscQfAfYRaQn70IG5iSTDWKc-J-iFXziXd_nQIjLQd_-PXc3NmuFPaC_OrltepMqORZTZkXbjYISprClEzigJYYBh5r6dN97DI8MP7cU-UWMdq9Lbdq-22AQBoPWlyT7ACPOUeTxnJRv8/s785/B59009A2-6F26-467E-AF65-77D6F554377B.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="733" data-original-width="785" height="299" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRlK14wTT4yy9Q53CIQg8vPynIxMLWClYrM3Bz1NoY4qYpscQfAfYRaQn70IG5iSTDWKc-J-iFXziXd_nQIjLQd_-PXc3NmuFPaC_OrltepMqORZTZkXbjYISprClEzigJYYBh5r6dN97DI8MP7cU-UWMdq9Lbdq-22AQBoPWlyT7ACPOUeTxnJRv8/s320/B59009A2-6F26-467E-AF65-77D6F554377B.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div><b><div style="text-align: center;"><b><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">Thanks Leo Sayer. Keep them coming. </span></i></b></div></b><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Now here is where the fun starts. We birded Unst a bit and found FUCK ALL, and then we said we best get off back to the mainland as we were flying that night. This proved to be very important people. </div><div>As we headed south the plan was to get to digs, sort gear out (clothes, luggage, trinkets and personal belongings not recreational drugs as there aren’t any) then bird the south then fly on an aeroplane. News then came through. Crazy news. Joel was driving. </div><div>Holy shitsauce. </div><div>I could only half think and speak. </div><div>“Where’s Scottburgh? You’re not gonna believe this”</div><div>I then couldn’t/didn’t tell Joel for what seemed an eternity. (Certainly for Joel). </div><div>Part two to come!</div><div>Suspense.</div><div>Miss Marple. </div><div>No Neck Ted off Benedict.</div><div>No one’s bothered. </div><div>I still haven’t told Cleggy which must’ve been an age for him. </div><div>“Least Bittern.”</div><div>“What? Least?”</div><div>“Yeah, as in the yank Lesst. Jesus. As in First for Britain type thing” said Dillon.</div><div>We went silent for a moment. </div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBTrXKpTbOrgNh3D19hayu8A0qJbK-FT16IhEdfYqMFeGtbfKv_JhDFdbIf6glja14Txq18qmBF-ag8dKf6TWPnW9hY5QvU8NzT-f0HGEKypYYoHatXf5gYBRWNuUU-3ANBdg0X5V-4QaDbI1PR2VkFDGToRZYp9PGHMULEHrKGCikrqhE86SvBKmO/s987/FED642D7-7C6F-4A1D-86A1-023DC0B2D838.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="661" data-original-width="987" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBTrXKpTbOrgNh3D19hayu8A0qJbK-FT16IhEdfYqMFeGtbfKv_JhDFdbIf6glja14Txq18qmBF-ag8dKf6TWPnW9hY5QvU8NzT-f0HGEKypYYoHatXf5gYBRWNuUU-3ANBdg0X5V-4QaDbI1PR2VkFDGToRZYp9PGHMULEHrKGCikrqhE86SvBKmO/s320/FED642D7-7C6F-4A1D-86A1-023DC0B2D838.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Household tips from everyone’s favourite household tipster, Leo Sayer. </b></span></i></div><div><br /></div><div>We were getting on a plane and needed to be at the airport soon!!Mad dash to the digs, pick gear up, mad dash to see this, got there with about two minutes to spare when the bird was picked up and taken into care. It died. But a massive tick on our bird spotting jotter pad list! Amazing. </div><div>Shetland is mad! </div><div>I’ll sum up in the next post as this has taken fucking ages to write and I’ve just finished it off real quick.</div><div><br /></div><div>I’m sorry. </div><div>But big shout out to Leo Sayer who loves to give household tips. </div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgE-G7dfIBNeEfecPWFeaV0LgSopkrxgBi_BldZULF4H2m9_7vZSHDAECiOsgbPGCEXybFMlu-xg7yz7KNgLnRZUrs3HbkZ3gbQ272PEx2ThOHe0iqAHsGTA3Z_rfQzTxUZiXqpgCqlLEL45JylqtH1477ZJyov1fupVfuTUoD-GG9j0KDlZzFZvB4v/s1043/091305B3-5C31-4E56-BD7C-70889DE5969B.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="761" data-original-width="1043" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgE-G7dfIBNeEfecPWFeaV0LgSopkrxgBi_BldZULF4H2m9_7vZSHDAECiOsgbPGCEXybFMlu-xg7yz7KNgLnRZUrs3HbkZ3gbQ272PEx2ThOHe0iqAHsGTA3Z_rfQzTxUZiXqpgCqlLEL45JylqtH1477ZJyov1fupVfuTUoD-GG9j0KDlZzFZvB4v/s320/091305B3-5C31-4E56-BD7C-70889DE5969B.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>mqhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17131819959517156965noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9077566643827208340.post-20675113299544074612022-12-16T14:40:00.001-08:002022-12-16T14:40:53.096-08:00Shetland Day 4 Reprise<p> After the purile attempt at summing up our fourth day on Shetland, I promised (blah) to revisit this. </p><p>As per the previous report, we went birding and saw fuck all but then another mega turned up which was the same species as the previous days mega so means fuck all in our bird jotter spotting tick list. At this point, Mark, as I’ve decided to write in the third person suddenly, had had enough and decided to go directly to the public houseries in the area. Mark then found a members club which he entered. On entry he was asked to sign in as a non member, which he did in anticipation, he then received nearly a pint of apple drinks in exchange for money. Mark continued to pay money in exchange for apple based drinks throughout the night. </p><p>Sexy Mark then walked down some stairs to the snookerist area. Behold! Two snooker tables and no less than six pool tables! There were no real cues, alas, some people were waiting in line for the best ones. Q then joined the queue for a cue. And that is/was the greatest ever “joke” on this website so don’t ring in. And if your Auntie Pauline doesn’t quite get it, don’t even fucking try to explain it as it doesn’t really make sense to me either. I mean, Mark.</p><p>Joel, who supports L***n (luton) was still hardcore birding like a madman and saw FUCK ALL I saw fuck all in pub as well. Mark. </p><p>Would you fuck about with Nigella Lawson? The handsome Mark perhaps would. He sometimes thinks her ample bosom and cooking skills are quite productive. And she likes a line. Mark bets she gets decent gear though. Better than he gets. Because she can cook and has got an ample bosom. And she’s a millionaire. </p><p>Nigella talks to Mark through the television, quite possibly in his own mind. Sometimes she’s just on the television, as in, not really there in his front room, but most of the time, she really is there with him in his front room. Cooking.</p><p>Naked. </p><p>“Are you alright?” my only reader asks. . “Yeah, I think so”. </p><p>I may have to re write day 4 yet again. </p><p>Snooker hall was good though. </p><p>Fun Facts about Darth Vader: </p><p>1. Darth was actually christened Dave Skywalker but it would’ve been a bit of a spoiler if they’d called him Dave.</p><p>2. Darth, even though he’s loved by Star Trek fans, still regrets that he was the “bad guy” and grows turnips to appease the hurt.</p><p>3. Darth, (to his mates) speaks properly when in social situations and doesn’t heavy breathe. </p><p>4. Darth’s costume was specially designed with a “zip” down the front just so he could take it off and put it back on and that. </p><p>5. This also allowed for toilet breaks when Lord Vader needed to do a piss. </p><p>6. Vader is Carol Vordemann’s cousin! In real life and that! I know it’s mad innit? She tried to teach him algebra at 15 but Big Darth just wanted to feel her boobs. Darth has no morals, or algebraic supposition. </p><p>7. There is no number 7.</p><p>8. Jimmy Tarbuck applied for the role of Darth Vader but he wanted to make the character a bit of a joker, throwing in ad-libs, puns and double-entendre even throughout the fight scenes. And that. </p><p><br /></p><p>I’ll give up. </p><p><br /></p><p>RIP Cardy. Top man. </p>mqhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17131819959517156965noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9077566643827208340.post-5006996209997473652022-11-28T13:21:00.000-08:002022-11-28T13:21:16.192-08:00Random Pictures? De de durr…..<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGHIGvuw1tRm0FzSxeBa4VqUnPJQu1RfairhX6CKFjryAR2cTidjrM7xnb1Tl777MJJ3jRgn0JUJJt56a-bNfxD3MAqGTSGUESd5R-zuDzyDhxnxBYkAGk63XY2AOS9ioULHyoLECu_8PvNDWuJzexwYEz5vK2V3sNS2vJ7PTaVefuTHzQbmkC5wqJ/s318/4BD7A9E5-4506-4167-AF6F-E34159CF6192.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="159" data-original-width="318" height="159" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGHIGvuw1tRm0FzSxeBa4VqUnPJQu1RfairhX6CKFjryAR2cTidjrM7xnb1Tl777MJJ3jRgn0JUJJt56a-bNfxD3MAqGTSGUESd5R-zuDzyDhxnxBYkAGk63XY2AOS9ioULHyoLECu_8PvNDWuJzexwYEz5vK2V3sNS2vJ7PTaVefuTHzQbmkC5wqJ/s1600/4BD7A9E5-4506-4167-AF6F-E34159CF6192.jpeg" width="318" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuWy2x80_4QM_ZtfjgP5m0Cb7QZSsoltiCcY1viDFwmSDSlxnnPz9RzYQsIunwD0SBad2Gq0II7RzCiqCjAyMx48AFlE2t2iJb2rdhR4RrmGQJOgRUHhUtMmZIm-SCX-Kg9R4HgWqtB8GnFiIWjSc9iAw5NH7gAR87-ttZeYGgrVEm2Zlyj9k7FOYi/s225/184C7664-8C1A-40F6-80CB-40296EB1B611.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="224" data-original-width="225" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuWy2x80_4QM_ZtfjgP5m0Cb7QZSsoltiCcY1viDFwmSDSlxnnPz9RzYQsIunwD0SBad2Gq0II7RzCiqCjAyMx48AFlE2t2iJb2rdhR4RrmGQJOgRUHhUtMmZIm-SCX-Kg9R4HgWqtB8GnFiIWjSc9iAw5NH7gAR87-ttZeYGgrVEm2Zlyj9k7FOYi/s1600/184C7664-8C1A-40F6-80CB-40296EB1B611.jpeg" width="225" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /> <p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieIV1j_8bxiyu4g83__92beuCq3Qa06uAyBavruDSCCQcLMjgvaYy-1AO2dqc8aNg20RJtydS7h747K0gvOfF70QXDQ3B2PxZUZxTQ18pPG7LfsECgadGKlVVjMnJyHdoNcsbUZWOFlI430xjLmR6GjPaFPGZI8igk4rSqRa8-I1Cis20zfn7L8ZTd/s298/7DCA6957-EBCC-4BA6-B97E-3908305434BE.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="298" data-original-width="272" height="298" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieIV1j_8bxiyu4g83__92beuCq3Qa06uAyBavruDSCCQcLMjgvaYy-1AO2dqc8aNg20RJtydS7h747K0gvOfF70QXDQ3B2PxZUZxTQ18pPG7LfsECgadGKlVVjMnJyHdoNcsbUZWOFlI430xjLmR6GjPaFPGZI8igk4rSqRa8-I1Cis20zfn7L8ZTd/s1600/7DCA6957-EBCC-4BA6-B97E-3908305434BE.jpeg" width="272" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYYJ9aTOMPTHMIaUk0ApebkAh0hmDRd_gFraC1bz8__BZIhEnpX833_AJtkYR5TsHYsji0Ho8kcjw4kV6WcZPPKIcUNtz5oD1zCOevDWBq_S5BbdPAeUkes87xdDvqDXVZBi46036s4Dy4qZ2lOFz7o7ckkHFDLxidzildUAcBC6erTTtkjE-N9PzG/s273/1A06BF49-FE8E-4407-A8AF-31B425D70AFF.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="185" data-original-width="273" height="185" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYYJ9aTOMPTHMIaUk0ApebkAh0hmDRd_gFraC1bz8__BZIhEnpX833_AJtkYR5TsHYsji0Ho8kcjw4kV6WcZPPKIcUNtz5oD1zCOevDWBq_S5BbdPAeUkes87xdDvqDXVZBi46036s4Dy4qZ2lOFz7o7ckkHFDLxidzildUAcBC6erTTtkjE-N9PzG/s1600/1A06BF49-FE8E-4407-A8AF-31B425D70AFF.jpeg" width="273" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1dbhFeOKyThfa4XGrIf9NVhx2xCsp_AOdwUId6uG9PfeLf7V9IReE2BLDt8BPotwiM7p2lRXgMBcOBH3UQRvBRHMVtfqh3PmBV0syjzi0QDenO0FV6vQI8QYUxazHjUz516WHvi-yPOoFiiYpy1aZkUqNF1LGAD7MWOtwMZ31LXJmYUVV8ZcAwLY1/s228/9E8B6DA5-36F2-4ACA-B35E-8F9BB5075F1A.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="221" data-original-width="228" height="221" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1dbhFeOKyThfa4XGrIf9NVhx2xCsp_AOdwUId6uG9PfeLf7V9IReE2BLDt8BPotwiM7p2lRXgMBcOBH3UQRvBRHMVtfqh3PmBV0syjzi0QDenO0FV6vQI8QYUxazHjUz516WHvi-yPOoFiiYpy1aZkUqNF1LGAD7MWOtwMZ31LXJmYUVV8ZcAwLY1/s1600/9E8B6DA5-36F2-4ACA-B35E-8F9BB5075F1A.jpeg" width="228" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIto1K-fyCfyGef6loOsFB-iByoMzWgDS6z_LZxvNk2UkeeofXmfLrPPBXXX7ewY6MmtCrwUCyzvYEtvLEVny4XRk07BOrc2JWLdOqxWalJZn60hFukHeCbp6C9Evmr1rTXNOU82VM6a991p-LDGOmGjYxI-AmBpYyl5Upkpt29PZjzi-QNmyG6mZQ/s1800/07B42B2A-306B-4BD9-8791-4B2C8A230EF5.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1800" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIto1K-fyCfyGef6loOsFB-iByoMzWgDS6z_LZxvNk2UkeeofXmfLrPPBXXX7ewY6MmtCrwUCyzvYEtvLEVny4XRk07BOrc2JWLdOqxWalJZn60hFukHeCbp6C9Evmr1rTXNOU82VM6a991p-LDGOmGjYxI-AmBpYyl5Upkpt29PZjzi-QNmyG6mZQ/s320/07B42B2A-306B-4BD9-8791-4B2C8A230EF5.jpeg" width="213" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgS6XaijocGlHIGYqe5HHSwvQ0-M3AguVYn7OxN4FZe0VtRo2-elHNgUS1yow7R6OuCnZPvi2M-nZx2BD7EfxmprXjNWpQ0_u31daSlPqt3rwf5QU8of-sUUJq2ATz8ZNkj7dy9OJlTvd9rUjr6TRcF4q_Unhfw_Uk528c_hRyZq-ViB8UMpQqweoW0/s304/7C9467E9-16F8-4F5B-9E6F-FFC81DC17488.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="228" data-original-width="304" height="228" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgS6XaijocGlHIGYqe5HHSwvQ0-M3AguVYn7OxN4FZe0VtRo2-elHNgUS1yow7R6OuCnZPvi2M-nZx2BD7EfxmprXjNWpQ0_u31daSlPqt3rwf5QU8of-sUUJq2ATz8ZNkj7dy9OJlTvd9rUjr6TRcF4q_Unhfw_Uk528c_hRyZq-ViB8UMpQqweoW0/s1600/7C9467E9-16F8-4F5B-9E6F-FFC81DC17488.jpeg" width="304" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJNW_n7M0B10rKmmF7qvddpNIO5Iu_X9KXiNHw9_t-uKdwvEdneImIwXKUSnNwPMUGn2hsx6fdXMdC8Q7cvL2jJW230axmVb1eFETPMhVlhYN9Uvq1FycOhGLBCYYyKDA1ZQmVYHPWIekabmfDLeCKXACy45cNERGB23y-M-nIWwD9kH760w-zEvah/s247/52A25239-A974-461C-A098-28F2F4A28237.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="204" data-original-width="247" height="204" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJNW_n7M0B10rKmmF7qvddpNIO5Iu_X9KXiNHw9_t-uKdwvEdneImIwXKUSnNwPMUGn2hsx6fdXMdC8Q7cvL2jJW230axmVb1eFETPMhVlhYN9Uvq1FycOhGLBCYYyKDA1ZQmVYHPWIekabmfDLeCKXACy45cNERGB23y-M-nIWwD9kH760w-zEvah/s1600/52A25239-A974-461C-A098-28F2F4A28237.jpeg" width="247" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpdNXwglQ45JAgnnvz2VTvG0UrzZ36aLtlgWj_oWqG6KnnptFRcp0V46PCbzdjdSyK-RjqWsqxcv6E-ZQMZSvnyccGqYGCy89_b6lKvU_Sna52wW_s_XTNhCtHG5MpyM2BTG3qrsyd3FojSAvnJo1dzP87uQVJxIcNZUGZuPLglpTcVrMTBgbQB7GD/s533/2B3AF653-14F9-4DAE-9774-631676EB5C52.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="533" data-original-width="533" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpdNXwglQ45JAgnnvz2VTvG0UrzZ36aLtlgWj_oWqG6KnnptFRcp0V46PCbzdjdSyK-RjqWsqxcv6E-ZQMZSvnyccGqYGCy89_b6lKvU_Sna52wW_s_XTNhCtHG5MpyM2BTG3qrsyd3FojSAvnJo1dzP87uQVJxIcNZUGZuPLglpTcVrMTBgbQB7GD/s320/2B3AF653-14F9-4DAE-9774-631676EB5C52.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhS8oF1D-PbH21qQsDssEcAG1Fykk-Ih2r_889DODOALyYl3t5zAd7aMWxlPR1XB3it2cRNvsFrROJFkYUKRgbF_rCgO53jLBGJC2t5swaPK3JVHnHqf_7a_oyi369nL94l-G0SvEHms3ai5DWmga-EPkwoZp5J6mLVki7_aMKiiXMvMIV4UbGwm_D7/s189/074579EC-E462-407F-AEDE-285EAAF068FF.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="177" data-original-width="189" height="177" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhS8oF1D-PbH21qQsDssEcAG1Fykk-Ih2r_889DODOALyYl3t5zAd7aMWxlPR1XB3it2cRNvsFrROJFkYUKRgbF_rCgO53jLBGJC2t5swaPK3JVHnHqf_7a_oyi369nL94l-G0SvEHms3ai5DWmga-EPkwoZp5J6mLVki7_aMKiiXMvMIV4UbGwm_D7/s1600/074579EC-E462-407F-AEDE-285EAAF068FF.png" width="189" /></a></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;">This one is me, of course. </div>mqhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17131819959517156965noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9077566643827208340.post-38987892403934198542022-11-25T15:25:00.000-08:002022-11-25T15:25:06.964-08:00Shetland 2022. Day 4. Thursday. Yep. <p>Hello. Even though I’m drunken now, I’ve just read my last “saved” post that I was obviously halfway through. I have to say, even for me, what the fuck am I on about?! I could just delete it but no, then no one would see what kind of shite I can HONESTLY come up with! So I’ll post it and maybe finish it off/rewrite day 4. </p><p>Here goes:</p><p><br /></p><p> Bashed our usual haunts and saw FUCK ALL, blah blah blah, then saw a mega again. This is where I should finish this post. But that’s not what my beloved reader wants! Oh no. </p><p>“It fucking is” said my mother, the lone reader. </p><p>Again, we tried. We tried to find something. It’s hard going. If you’re birding Spurn, say, you give it a go and youlll see Black Red, Little Stint, maybe a Hawfinch, some Woodcock, that sort of thing, but up there you just see FUCK ALL. But then you see a mega, and maybe twitch a couple of other things making it a great day. I’m not complaining. Well, maybe I am. And it was today that I decided to fuck off to pub early in an attempt to a) drink more b) find a local retailer of recreational drugs and c) finger some poor victim, I mean, meet a genuine woman whom I could have intelligent conversation with (finger them). </p><p>Before I legged it to pub, we tried, again, to find something. We were close as Cleggy got onto a large Pipit flying along the cliff but didn’t call and simply fucked off, probably to pub, which incidentally was where I wanted to go. So I did. Later. Soon. </p><p>Another mega was found! Come on! Shetland is mental. Zero Robin. Zero Pied Fly. One Brambling. One Chiff. Four megas. This new mega was ANOTHER Yellow Rumped Warbler very close to yesterday’s and found by the same birder! Fair play to the guy but I reckon even he was just a touch disappointed that his second Nearctic warbler in two days was the same species?! We were that “overjoyed” that we simply didn’t go and look right at it. I went on the raging piss and birding stalwart Joel carried on birding and saw FUCK ALL. I saw fuck all in pub. </p><p>Last year I noticed a working men’s club. Must have a snooker table? So I went and checked it out. TWO snooker tables and a room full of pool tables and dart boards! Sing hosannas! Fuck Yellow Rumped Warblers. So I had a knock. Then shetters people started coming in and playing pool. They played alone though, as in there were six tables being played by only six people. And they knew each other. Why not play each other? But hey. I might organise a knockout next year maybe…..</p><p>Ha.</p><p>Snooker Facts:</p><p>The first ever game of snooker took place in 31bc but in a very different format. For every christian killed, the lion got 1 point then got to try and kill a colour for between 2 and 7 points. If the lion failed, it was the next lions turn.</p><p>Lions manes are actually made from lions manes and illegal trading between lions regularly occurs.</p><p>I haven’t got a fucking clue what I’m on about. I mean, look at the last two facts.</p><p>Even for me….</p><p>“Snooker Loopy” by Steve Davis topped the charts for a record 27 weeks. It is to this day, Kate Middletons favourite song but Meghan Markle prefers Fog on the Tyne by Gazza and Chums. “ol’ Willie Thawn, his hairs all gawn and the lads all take the rise, his opponent said Cover up his head cos it’s shining in my eyes” ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha how brilliant is that?! </p><p>Jimmy the Jew and I once did a jig outside the Crucible Theatre singing Snooker Loopy. We were drunk apparently. </p><p>Stuart Bingham once did a piss that took nearly four minutes to complete. This is the longest piss by a snookerist that Q@Spurns research dept. can find. Doug Mountjoy is second on 2 minutes 18 seconds. </p><p>Hmmm….</p><p>Have you seen Paige Spirinac? I know she’s not a snookerist and covers golf but fuck me, have you seen the state of that? I would rummage for truffles for hours. And she knows it. She fucking knows it. I shout it outside her house every day until the police arrive and reiterate I have a banning order. </p><p>Snooker was popularised by Jim Davidson</p><p><br /></p><p>….And that’s as far as I got. Apparently. So ignore this post, but it’s just an insight into my mind when it’s at its most bollocksed. And that’s a proper word that. And Ive just started three sentences in a row with a preposition. Appalling grammar. </p><p>I will (might) revisit this. Or summat. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>mqhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17131819959517156965noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9077566643827208340.post-81554786300342817992022-11-19T04:04:00.000-08:002022-11-19T04:04:35.500-08:00Shetland. The Third Day. <p> Wednesday. Rain. Rain. Rain. </p><p>I’d rather it not rain but it also meant I didn’t have to get up before dawn. Luckily I don’t get hangovers as I simply carry on drinking. The weather cleared up a little so we checked our regular spot, Veensharth and saw FUCK ALL It really is easy to see fuck all on Shetland but then you see a Pechora or a Lancey but no Chiffchaff. It is quite insane. We then covered our other regular spots and saw FUCK ALL. </p><p>Because of seeing fuck all, we at Q@Spurn will regale you with……</p><p>Fun Shetland facts.</p><p>Shetland used to be a piece of Norway but broke off somehow and floated off into the ocean with a mind of its own. </p><p>The population of Shetland is widely and evenly distributed around the islands as it may tip up if everyone stood at one end or summat.</p><p>Shetters, as they’re now known, will put ANYTHING in a pie. Lasagne pies, Macaroni cheese pie, even Pork Pies. I had to try a Lasagne Pie last year as they’re quite famous. Do you know what it tasted like my beloved reader? I’ll tell you. It was like a cold lasagne suspended in pastry. </p><p>Not deep freeze. </p><p>10cc are the only band that we know of to write a song about cold lasagne. I think Eric Stewart must be some sort of simpleton. </p><p>Feel the Benefit is a proper tune. We had 10cc live at wembley arena on betamax back in the 80s. </p><p>Why was there two kinds of video recorder? VHS and Betamax? Why wasn’t there just one? Or three kinds? </p><p>Scotch video tapes had a lifetime guarantee. We at Q@Spurn have no comment or opinion on this. Thankyou sir.</p><p>Jimmy the Jews dad, Ken, had every episode of M*A*S*H on betamax. He never watched them although this is unconfirmed. </p><p>MASH is an acronym for Mobile Army Surgical Hospital. Well of course it’s surgical! A non surgical hospital? It really doesn’t need the surgical bit but I suppose it’s more catchy as MASH as opposed to MAH. </p><p>In America they have mash in KFCs. The foodstuff, not 53 betamax tapes. Maybe it would be good if they had video tapes of M*A*S*H? “Do you want mash with that?” And they give you a betamax tape with Hawkeye on the front and two pieces of dead dismembered chicken. Bit graphic.</p><p>ELO is also an acronym which stands for Electric Light Organisation. (credit: JC)</p><p>ELO have never played Shetland as they’re not THAT organised to plan the logistics. </p><p>There is no KFC on Shetland. </p><p>Shetland is good for birding. Apparently. </p><p><br /></p><p>There. A seamless segway. So, back on Shetland, we marched on. We’re not massive listers, but we’re not shy either. But we’ve “only” seen two yanks warblers each. Joel, Yellowthroat and Yellow Rumped, and I, Blackpool and Yellow Rumped. On checking news, which you do every 49 seconds on Shetland, a Yank warbler had been found! Yes, come on! A third mega in as many days! I actually let out a little groan of disappointment when it broke as Yellow Rumped Warbler. Neither of us needed it for our bird jotter super tick list. How can you be disappointed with a Yellow Rumped?! We went and saw it but, and as I say, we’re not big hitters but both earlyish to mid 400s, it was sort of ironic it was this species. It’s not all about the numbers, but it seriously helps. </p><p>Still no recreational drugs. One member of the party was starting to shake. It wasn’t Joel as he’s a teacher and cannot be linked with that sort of thing on a public blog. Nor was it Mark as his mam is the only reader of this and will get grounded for a week.</p><p>We managed to watch the football and get a bit drunk, I refused to sleep with the local women as there weren’t any. We retired to a rather poor effort of a curry and chicken Biriyani made by myself earlier. The Biriyani was alright actually but the chicken in the curry was overcooked. </p><p>There, cookery, pies, birding, ELOrganisation, no fingering, mash, what more do you want? Three mega species in three days. </p><p>1 Pechora 1 Lancey 1 Myrtle 1 Eastern Yellow Wag, 1 Hornemanns Arctic, 1 Chiffchaff 0 Robin! Insane. Absolutely insane. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p>Fin</p><p>………</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>mqhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17131819959517156965noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9077566643827208340.post-51894676228988197252022-11-12T04:09:00.000-08:002022-11-12T04:09:11.364-08:00Shetland 22 Day 2. <p> Sensible title. </p><p>Tuesday.</p><p>First light. Saw Hornemanns Arctic yesterday also. Forgot to tell you all (4 people) that. Suppression. After the Wuthering Heights of yesterday, we set off to…wait for it….Unst as the unashamed Leeds fan that is Joel needed to see the Ortolan which had been frequenting the most northerly populated isle in the British Isles. With Great Expectations we birded Yell for a while instead of going straight to the top of the world which was lucky as we were “only” one ferry from the mainland as news of a Locustella sp came through. I was driving as I was surprisingly sober at the point, a thing I was determined to make up for later in the day. </p><p>We debated. It could just be a Gropper. Do we carry on in the hope of the Ortolan then this Locustella? Catch 22. Then news came through that it was a Lancey! Holy shit sauce. Lancey is short for Lanceolated Warbler. And I’ve just realised the irony of being called Monica. That’s crazy that. Not that I’m called Monica of course. I presume the Lancey wasn’t called Monica. Or perhaps it was/is? And Neneh Cherry. What’s wrong with Turin? It looks like quite a nice place to me. </p><p>My “jokes” are getting worse. I’ll delete that. No, I’ll leave it in. Make your own mind up. Where is this going?</p><p>So, a Lancey no less! In a tiny Hamlet on Shetland! We went straight there and looked right at it. Right at it. After the crowd had flushed it deliberately several times as it’s all about the views and the tick in your bird jotter pad and definitely not about the welfare of the bird that has just flown 2000 miles off course (of course?). At one stage it literally nearly flew into me trying to escape the marauding hordes trying to kick it in its head. Several flights later when I’m sure it just wanted to peacefully rest and feed rather than be kicked in the heed, it found a new field Far From the Madding Crowd. It showed quite amazingly, down to a few feet. Incredible bird. No sign of it the next day almost certainly down to the constant flushing of the hordes of bloodthirsty twitchers not letting it rest and probably ending in The Big Sleep. Still, a tick in my bird jotter pad so fuck it that’s all that matters. </p><p>We birded like madmen, thrashing ditches, bashing bushes and erm, twatting trees but found ABSOLUTELY FUCK ALL. And when I say Fuck All, I mean Fuck All. Well, Jack Snipes and Yellow Brows and things like that I suppose. I got onto 3 Redpoll on Yell one I thought looked good for Arctic on fleeting views but they simply flew off about 18 miles away in a huff. We’d tried to pin them down but Much Ado About Nothing. Why were those Redpolls so grumpy? Who knows what kind of day they were having so fair enough. Upto them. </p><p>Shetland is quite, nay, very sparse when it comes to recreational drugs with no passers-by having any about their person, strangely. I suppose if a total stranger dressed in wellington boots and a Stone Island hat (only these items) approaches you in the street and asks for recreational drugs, you probably would say you don’t have any and make your way onwards, probably purchasing a lasagne pie as all Shetlanders eat lasagne pies. Or, if you’d lied to that stranger and you DID hold recreational drugs about your person, you wouldn’t need a lasagne pie! Hurrah! </p><p>We celebrated our joint tick fest with brandy and several apple based drinks. If only the barmaids were called Jane Eyre or King Lear. I believe I might have eaten something that evening too. What is the world coming to? </p><p>Join us in only 8 weeks time for the next up-to-the-minute instalment of our Shetland trip report. I’m almost certain it may be entitled “Day 3”. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p>(Huckleberry) Fin.</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p>………</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>mqhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17131819959517156965noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9077566643827208340.post-32196767601200295352022-10-16T06:21:00.001-07:002022-10-16T06:49:04.728-07:00Shetland Trip Day 1/2<p> Joel (disgraceful L***s fan) and I were booked on a return flight and some accommodation on Shetland (or the land of shet according to my daughters) for c4 nights and c5 days with Joel sorting everything out as usual. </p><p>Set off Sunday, with Joel driving all the way to, wait for it, Aberdeen for the 730 flight next mcmorn. I drank apple flavoured brown booze and did Joel’s swede in all the way. As in, ALL THE WAY. That’s fine for me. Maybe not so for Joel. </p><p>But it was company. Sort of.</p><p>Tried to get heads down for an hour or two but with little to no success. </p><p>Flight. Flew. </p><p>Still drunk, we set off in true ultra birding stylee and walked through nettles and iris beds in the hope of finding an ultra rare siberian waif. We found fuck all. We did however see our only Chiffchaff of the trip! Amazing! We went and properly looked at the Eastern Yellow Wag in the back garden of some NONCE. That’s right. A nonce. I do not know why I thought the homeowner was a nonce and have no basis on which to, erm, base this. Does that even make sense? A new species for me no less although it was only a matter of time. Nonce is actually an acronym. Not On Normal Courtyard Exercise. As in, they’re kept away from the proper criminals that we all respect as they may be beaten up. Acronym is actually an acronym, which is the opposite of an oxymoron. </p><p>Hard going. Especially without recreational drugs and apple style brown booze. But then! Joel came round the corner and shouted Pechora! Was he simply celebrating the river in north west Russia? If he was, why was he celebrating the sixth longest river in Europe after the Seine, Thames, Ribble, Nile and Joan? No. A Pechora Pipit had been found no less! Sing hosannas. We went and saw it. Looked right at it. Right at it. Then went to the public house where Joel drank lager flavoured drinks and I drank brown booze made from apples. One of my fifteen a day. We also toasted the Pechora with a Brandy. A thing that will stick with us in all future Shetland trips.</p><p>Joel wore a bobble hat which said Leeds United on it and he wasn’t even ashamed. What if someone saw him? They’ve got no shame that lot. </p><p>I didn’t even try to have sexual encounters with any of the bar staff. I was that tired. And they had beards.</p><p>A two tick day! I cannot remember the last time that happened. </p><p>1 Chiffchaff</p><p>1 Eastern Yellow Wag</p><p>1 Pechora Pipit!</p><p><br /></p><p>The land of Shet is quite something. </p><p><br /></p><p> </p>mqhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17131819959517156965noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9077566643827208340.post-72898595241731979392022-07-31T11:03:00.003-07:002022-07-31T12:17:59.709-07:00Not a clue what I’m talking about<p> Jesus. I’m not vain. I’m too good looking to worry about whether I’m good looking. That’s what my mother said anyway and giggled. Not sure what to make of that. </p><p>So. I noticed a grey hair in my eyebrows today. One of them. What the fuck is all that about? Pyooooobs went long ago. Chest also. Pyooooobs is your first worry. When you see a grey pyoooooob it’s a sign. Let’s face it. Beard or hair goes first, but when the pyoooobs go it really is a worry. Even for the not very vain. Like me. </p><p><br /></p><p>But fucking eyebrows?!?! Pyooooobs I can handle. Just. But fucking eyebrows? I’m not having this. The endless drive that is time (and space) is relentless. “It” cares not about pyooooooooooooooooooooooooobs. Especially my pyoooooooooooooobs. </p><p>Every atom in our bodies were at some point were part of a star. That’s mental. An average sheet of papers thickness is around the depth of 500000 atoms. I’ve spent the full day working this out so don’t question me. I’ve taken the ratio of an average piece of paper and compared it to one of my pyoooooooooooooooobs and found that my average pyooooooooob is circa 0 atoms in depth as I’ve shaved them off. The grey bastards. Not really. The remiges I analysed and found that, on average, (taking in a sample size of 560) my pyooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooobs were approximately 766000 atoms in depth. More than 50% wider than a piece of paper. Now, at this point, I have to say, even for me, what the fuck am I on about? But I’ll carry on. </p><p>So. Pyoooooooooooooobs (mine) were part of stars and my pyoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooobs are also wider/deeper than paper. I’m not sure where this is going to be honest. </p><p>I’ve got a grey eyebrow hair. I think that was the jist. gist? Yep. Gist. k</p><p>The moral of this story (like Monkee in the 80s) is that pyoooooooooooobs is the first shocker (your heard doesn’t matter) but your eyebrow - your fucking eyebrow, means more. </p><p>You can shave pyoooooooooooooobs but not eyebrooooooooooooooooooooows. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>mqhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17131819959517156965noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9077566643827208340.post-49965936814606680092022-06-24T12:40:00.000-07:002022-06-24T12:40:15.006-07:00Crisps and Craig David Fun Facts<p>Following on from our “popular” (only my mother likes them) Fun Facts series, today we look at fun facts about Crisps (the snack in a wrapper) and Craig David (the person who’s a rapper) although we may not be able to shoehorn joint facts about both subjects although I’m sure we’ll research some (make some up).</p><p>1. Everyone’s favourite crisps are Beef Monster Munch. Apart from people who prefer Walkers C&O (Cheese and Onion). Oh, and Frazzles. And maybe Kettle Mature Cheddar. Actually, we’re not sure what everyone’s favourite crisps are. What we do know is Craig David’s favourite crisps are spicy Space Raiders. He goes mental for them. Every night he’s on them. His lodger, David Dickinson, has to pick the empty packets up. And he prefers the beef ones. Just to cap it all!</p><p>2. Nik Naks once did a Scampi and Lemon flavour but discontinued them as innocent men we’re getting divorced when coming home from public houses around the country. </p><p>3. People who work in crisp factories are known as “crispers”, which isn’t particularly inventive. </p><p>4. Craig David once worked as a crisper. He was on the fryers but didn’t give a fuck about the quality of the produce. But then in the canteen he saw Beryl who was a beautiful honey with a beautiful body but didn’t wear a watch. This was Monday. They went on the piss on Tuesday as they both had a day off, then he shagged her on Wednesday, Beryl’s not shy, he shagged her on Thursday, he shagged her on Friday, he shagged her on Saturday but he ran out of recreational drugs so they chilled on Sunday plus they were both at Seabrooks at six on Monday. </p><p>4. Craig David wanted his stage name to be Craig Onion so his initials were C&O. Like Cheese and Onion. Sid Vicious also went down this route as he was also a crisper and loved S&V. </p><p>5. Jacob Rees-Mogg’s stage name was also picked through his favourite Jasmine Rise Massalla Quavers although these have been discontinued. </p><p>6. Crisps are made of fucking potatoes.</p><p>7. Crisps were invented by Quentin Crisp accidentally! He accidentally sliced potatoes wafer thin then they dropped into a pan of hot oil until cooked, They then dropped into. <span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">Starch, Salt, Acids (Citric Acid, Malic Acid), Yeast Extract, Potassium Chloride, Antioxidant (Rosemary Extract)] accidentally. Yesterday. </span></p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">7. Prawn Cocktail crisps taste NOTHING LIKE Prawn Cocktails. It is simply a rouse. </span></p><p><span style="color: #404040; font-family: sans-serif;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64);">8. Craig David was going to be called David Craig until they realised there was already a celebrity called Daniel Craig, which is a different name but sort of the same.Sort of. His PR team already refused Craig Onion, now David Craig. He just couldn’t win and, secretly, hates the name Craig David. </span></span></p><p><span style="color: #404040; font-family: sans-serif;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64);">9. The 80s pop duo Salt n Pepper we’re going to be called Salt and Vinegar but they couldn’t agree which one would be vinegar. They both argued that they’d have to introduce themselves as “Vinegar”. </span></span></p><p><span style="color: #404040; font-family: sans-serif;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64);">“Hi, what’s your name?”</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #404040; font-family: sans-serif;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64);">“Vinegar”.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #404040; font-family: sans-serif;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64);">Mrs Salt is now married to Tony Knowles the snookerist. </span></span></p><p><span style="color: #404040; font-family: sans-serif;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64);">Knowles and Pepper now. </span></span></p><p><span style="color: #404040; font-family: sans-serif;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64);">10. Craig David’s lodger David Dickinson sells his ornaments online much to Craig’s disdain. We are not sure what Craig expected allowing David Dickinson to lodge there. Craig buys more, then David sells them. </span></span></p><p><span style="color: #404040; font-family: sans-serif;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64);">11. David Dickinsons favourite crisps are Tomato Snaps. This is how Craig David’s “fill me in” originated apparently. That’s it. That’s the fact. I can’t elaborate on this fact. </span></span></p><p><span style="color: #404040; font-family: sans-serif;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64);"><br /></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #404040; font-family: sans-serif;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64);"><br /></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #404040; font-family: sans-serif;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64);"><br /></span></span></p>mqhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17131819959517156965noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9077566643827208340.post-43137754284328763762022-05-22T03:43:00.001-07:002022-05-22T03:43:19.634-07:00If looks could kill they probably will<p> “Games without front ears, war without tears” sang Chris Rea from Middlesbrough like. Or maybe it was Peter Sarstedt or summat. </p><p>So. Logic. What on earth can we possibly deduce from the phrase “games without front ears….”? I (don’t) hear you cry? Well…..</p><p>1. We can say for sure there are front ears. This means we know there are one or more ears behind them. Although we cannot say how many.</p><p>2. Ears, plural. We now know there are multiple ears, but only at the front. We cannot say for sure that the “rear” or anything behind the front ears also contain multiple ears. For instance, if, say, the “front” contained five ears (or two) there still may be only one ear behind. There may also be several rows of single ears but also an infinite, yet unknown, number of many ears. We cannot say.</p><p>3. The model we now know contains a minimum of two ears at the front and a minimum of one ear somewhere behind the front. </p><p>4. The maximum number of ears behind the front ears is unknown, yet we could surmise that if the front contains more than one ear perhaps the rear or even middle and rear could contain more than one ear, yet this is unproven but would suggest if proven that the ears behind the front were set into rows…..</p><p>5. ….This is because the term front ears tell us that there are several ears simultaneously at the front, telling us that they must be in a line or row as if even one ear was slightly behind the front, that ear would not be deemed to be at the front.</p><p>6. The model now contains a definite front and therefore a rear, or at least something behind the front. We can say it is behind as the very nature of the word “front” implies that there is nothing beyond it. However, this does not mean that the same ears are always at the “front”, for instance, in a running race the lead, therefore front can change hands but the “front” remains constant, just not the owner of the “front”.</p><p>7. Again, we can say for sure there is a front and one or several rows (or singular) of ears behind. Can we deduce, therefore, this model has sides? Not necessarily. For instance if our model now contains, say, seven rows of 5 ears, this does not mean it now has sides, yet the outer ears of each row COULD now be called the side ears. However this is presumptuous as it does not prove that all the rows are directly behind/in front of each other, yet even if the rows are not in line we could still perhaps say that the outer ears are the side ears. </p><p>8. Having not proven conclusively that there are multiple ears behind we should now say that it is not definitive that the rows exists, ie the “rows” could in theory contain only be ear thus nullifying the words “row” and “side” in that in singularity cannot be said to have two sides.</p><p>9. It seems (and that is a useless term in the realm of logic) that however many ears (minimum 3, maximum unknown) there are games that contain ears, as we know that the writer of the phrase “games without front ears….” felt the need to point this fact out, thus proving by default that games that contain ears exist. Why point out there are games <span style="font-size: medium;">without</span> front ears if games with ears didn’t exist?</p><p>10. We can only surmise what these games entailed but they sound fucking mental, with or without ears.</p><p>11. We can also, with absolute certainty, deduce that the above means nothing if the author could spell the word frontiers. </p><p>12. Fin.</p>mqhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17131819959517156965noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9077566643827208340.post-31665075617489851242021-01-26T14:38:00.003-08:002021-01-26T14:38:52.315-08:00ID Frontiers of Birds at the Bottom of Hedges in the 80s<p> JAZZ MAGS!</p>mqhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17131819959517156965noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9077566643827208340.post-5952366124638654812020-04-02T02:03:00.002-07:002020-04-02T02:03:49.587-07:00No Neck Ted off Benedict Reprise. “I don’t believe in God, but I’m afraid of him. Well I believe in God, but the only thing that I’m afraid of is No Neck Ted off Benedict” my dad used to say every Saturday night when he got in from pub.<br />
And he was right. No Neck Ted off Benedict was notorious in the criminal underworld, dealing in knocked off trainers, selling durex to underage kids, and luring school children into smoking by selling a seppy and a match for 11p at the age of just 12. This is where he started out. Some say his fathers German. Born Edward in 1964 in Benedict Rd, Boothferry Est Hull, Ted quickly established himself in gang land by stealing a few tins of corned beef from the shop at the top of Gower Rd and selling them on to locals at the age of four. The locals always needed corned beef and Ted knew this and exploited it, a rule that he followed throughout his career. It was also around this time that he first showed off the stunted neck that became synonymous to his character. Indeed only Ted and Sandi Tosvig show this unique feature.<br />
<br />
He’s supposed to be Turkish. Some say his father is German. Nobody believed he was real. Nobody ever saw him him or knew anybody that worked directly for him. But Steve Palmer once said anybody could’ve worked for Ted, you never knew, that was his power. when he started the protection racket on North Side nobody believed he would get to where he is today. The guy there in the barber shop, big fat guy I mean porker fat, wouldn’t pay up the £1.50 so Ted, looks all of the people waiting for a haircut in the eye, then to show him what real will is, he shoots his own family then the people waiting for a haircut one by one, but he lets the last guy that needs a haircut live, he tells him I would rather see my family buried than live another day without that £1.50. Once his family are in the ground, he goes after the rest of the mob, he kills their kids, he kills their wives, he kills everyone that needs a haircut, he kills their parents friends, he burns down their houses and the stores they work in, he kills people that owe them money, he kills people who own scissors. And like that. He’s gone. Underground. No ones seen him since. He becomes a myth, a spook story “go to the hairdressers and No Neck Ted off Benedict will get you”. And no one really believes.<br />
<br />
Teds rise to notoriety continued into the world of confidence tricks, fraud, hijackings, and eating penny goodies without paying for them in Sainsbury’s local on Mollison Rd. No one believed. No one knew if they could get a haircut. Everyone on Boothferry Estate walked around with massive hair, indeed this is where the 70s long haired look began. Clapton grew his hair. Hendrix grew his hair. . Led Zep formed on the back of it. Thin Lizzy penned Whiskey in the Jar. No one knew that the movement came from one man, No Neck Ted off Benedict, and no one knew that it wasn’t a fashion thing, it was just Teds manic affliction toward hairdressers due to £1.50 he was still owed. A whole movement started over that £1.50. That £1.50 led to Carnaby St, 10cc and Lemmy out of Motörhead.<br />
<br />
Some say he once walked into Granby, he looks everyone in the eye, and ordered a pint of lager. Some say we miss those times. Ted sits down, drinks his drink, then he shows these men of will what real will is and orders another pint of lager. Bill in Just Gents could be heard from the back room of his barber shop shouting “he’s here. I know he’s here. I’m telling you it’s No Neck Ted off Benedict”.<br />
<br />
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.<br />
<br />
And like that.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
He’s gone.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
..........<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />mqhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17131819959517156965noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9077566643827208340.post-12914877746041489622020-02-22T15:00:00.002-08:002020-02-22T15:00:24.748-08:002019 round up XI. Or maybe seven? Maybe five, I don’t know.,A Wheatear had been found. A rare one. But which rare one? It was one of those Pied/Black Eared females that look just like each other. Hmmm... I consulted the Shellguide to the Birds of Britain then immediately threw it in the bin and picked up another, much more up to date field guide. The leading minds of Ornithology were totally undecided and couldn’t agree on a positive ID. I assigned this to the “unidentifiable in the field” bracket and decided on not travelling as I’d seen several Pieds yet no Black Eared but was confident that this couldn’t be ID’d safely.<br />
This has started almost like a proper birding blog.<br />
And we can’t have that. Can we?!<br />
Can we.....FUCK. There I said it.<br />
Them German soldiers must’ve been thick as fuck. I was in Amsterdam recently and must’ve seen about eight signs all pointing directly to Ann Franks house.<br />
That’s better. Some gratuitous swearing and a shite joke. I feel normal now.<br />
So. Then came the news that some Wheatear shite had been collected. DNA sample sent to Prof. Maybe then? Then came the news that mitochondrial DNA isn't always separable in Pieds/Black Eared. Maybe not then.<br />
This one couldn’t be separated by DNA.<br />
Definitely not then.<br />
Then came news of a ‘ringers feature’ ie an ID feature that ringers use, like the feature on Collared Flys where they have a pale collar on their skin around the nape if you fluff the feathers up. Amazing stuff what <strike>we</strike> they know these days. So Black Eared show a whitish base to the mantle feathers, maybe then, but these can only be seen if the feathers are fluffed up, maybe not then.<br />
Someone posted shots online. From the rear. In the wind. Feathers fluffed right the fuck up. With white base shafts (shafts - ha! Hilarious!)<br />
A pissing Black Eared Wheatear no less! One that can’t be ID’d in the pissing field! But it has! Oh yeah. It has!<br />
Blackpool here we pissing come. I ran round the house like a pissing loony collecting various birding artefacts and attire. Well I grabbed my pissing bins. Then I grabbed my pissing car key and ran out the door shouting “piiiiiiisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss” and I held the “ssss” all the way until I got into the car. Ethel next door said “Morning” and I just ran past her going “sssssssssssssssss” as she’d missed the “piiii” bit.<br />
<br />
On arrival I parked where I was told to park by the information services and walked all of 10 yards onto the grass verge and immediately saw the unidentifiable Black Eared Wheatear down to about 20 feet. I couldn’t ID it as it was a nice calm day, does that mean I don’t get a tick in my birdspottering jotter pad? Well I do in my eyes. Fuck the rules and fuck Evans.<br />
At the Wheat I was stood with a decent bloke and had a good yarn. I think he was from Donny.<br />
<br />
There, that was almost like a proper birding blog post wasn’t it?<br />
Coming next time, gratuitous cock jokes aplenty, swearing like an absolute trooper, lots of made up facts about a random subject, and the usual childish jokes you’re accustomed to.<br />
<br />
<br />
Cocks.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
..........<br />
<br />mqhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17131819959517156965noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9077566643827208340.post-71076385882048010872020-02-15T02:16:00.001-08:002020-02-15T04:04:00.817-08:00Lisa Stansfield FactsLet’s really get to know pop singer Lisa Stansfield by looking at some fun facts about her in a 1980s “Smash Hits” stylee.<br />
<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Lisa’s musical influences include Diana Ross, The Supremes, and Diana Ross and the Supremes although where this influence can be seen in any of her pop records is unknown. Maybe it’s the layered chorus in People Hold On?</li>
<li>People Hold On featured Lisa Standsfield but was actually released by one hit wonder Coldcut and is said to have been written on a train, that was full, in Manchester. </li>
<li>“Lisa Stansfield” is a stage name. Lisa was actually born Lisa Plasterboard but her record producers thought that Lisa Plasterboard wasn’t the right name for a pop singer. Here at Q@Spurn we think Lisa Plasterboard is a terrific name for a pop singer and would have marketed her as such, even including a bucket of dry wall adhesive on every album cover as a gimmick just like Iron Maiden did with their now infamous Eddie the Ed. The bucket of dry wall adhesive could even been integrated into her live shows maybe on a wire flying around the stage with the crowd going wild. Or just stood at the corner of the stage and Lisa, mid song, occasionally goes over to the bucket and sort of points at it.</li>
<li>Lisa has two sisters, Karen and Karen, she also has two dogs (names unknown) and coincidentally, two parents but she doesn’t have two husbands as she was married to the Chuckle brothers and sadly one of them died. Not so long back. </li>
<li>Lisa’s biggest hit to date was “Been Around the World and I I I” which was written about not being able to find someone she wanted to, and then she got quite determined to find the person and they’d had a row and Lisa let herself go as she’d said things the bloke didn’t even know about, Lisa was pretty bad in her own words and didn’t think the bloke was coming back at all mmm mmm. The bloke, to be fair to him, gave the reasons he should go but Lisa Plasterboard got real mad even though she she didn’t think he was coming back, Lisa openly admitted that she lied and wasted too much time which made her cry so she fucked off around the world looking for him. Surely you’d start at the places he frequented? Did you try the pub in Rochdale Lisa? Could’ve saved yourself a fortune. Lisa then claims she didn’t know why he’d fucked off but she’s already admitted lying and wasting time and crying and that so surely she did know why he’d fucked off?</li>
<li>Lisa once developed an allergy to her own saliva. You think I make things up on these “Facts” posts don’t you? Well I don’t. Yahoo it (other search engines are available).</li>
<li>Lisa’s parents were poor and had to put corks up her nose when she had a cold. They would simply wash the corks and use them the next time someone in their household had a cold. It is unclear what happened if, say, two members of the family had a cold at the same time. </li>
<li>Lisa has the biggest collection of artefacts in the world</li>
<li>Lisa enjoys cross country running and cane 27th in the Rochdale are trials. If she’d have come in the top three she would have represented Rochdale in the Lancashire cross country trials in which the top three qualify for the North West Counties trials in which the top three.....etc. </li>
<li>Lisa also enjoys swimming, archery, fox hunting, pot holing and snooker. Her favourite snookerist is Tony Knowles</li>
<li>Tony Knowles once beat Steve Davis at his peak 10-1 in the first round of the world championships. Davis was defending champion at the time. </li>
<li>Knowles was from Bolton and had a reputation as a ladies man, once claiming to have “bedded” upto eight women although not at the same time. </li>
<li>The term “bedded” was invented by 1980s unreliable journalists at The Star as a lame tabloid term for the word “knew”. </li>
<li>Another snooker player named Tony was/is Tony Meo. Q@Spurns very own mother once met Tony Meo outside Binns in Hull, he was bizarrely signing autographs. Q@Spurns mother got Q@Spurn Tony Meos autograph and stated that he was his favourite. Tony Mei was not my favourite at all. It was obviously Doug Mountjoy. Another snookering Tony could/should be Anthony Hamilton, The Sherriff of Pottingham, as he’s from Nottingham and it’s a play on words from pot, as in pot the balls...etc. But he likes to be known as Anthony so he’s not a snooker Tony at all. </li>
<li>I once called someone called Mark that I know well, “Tony” on a night out. He plays snooker as well.</li>
</ul>
<div>
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
...............<br />
<br />
<br />mqhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17131819959517156965noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9077566643827208340.post-37593939212784864362020-01-31T13:04:00.000-08:002020-02-04T15:43:36.067-08:00zusammenfassen Fünf. Scheiße, ich habe die verdammten Kinder verlorenApparently now white people now own more dogs than black people. That’s obviously because it’s illegal to own black people these days.<br />
Stats show nothing, therefore.<br />
Apart from this: Pacific Swift have been recorded only 9 times in Britain.<br />
But I’m guessing so it’s not really a stat is it?<br />
<br />
I was sat, pondering, on a Saturday morning, football season yet to start in earnest, pondering what to do with the kids for the day. I had chicken phal for breakfast, I have chicken or lamb phal for either Saturday or Sunday breakfast every week, to the point of eldest daughter, when she receives her breakfast says “You having curry, Dad?”.<br />
“Yeah Roobs”.<br />
“Well it is Saturday/Sunday” she says very blasé.<br />
I was about to start drinking when a text came through: “can you put that washing in, and don’t leave you’re empty cans all over the place”.<br />
She moans. They all fucking moan.<br />
But more in relation to this shite (I mean blog) came “possible Pacific or White Rumped Swift Hornsea Mere, doing a piss over eastern end” from Joel, 42, of Leeds.<br />
Right.<br />
I saw the White Rumped Swift at Hornsea Here (first for Britain no less) so I presumed, like many others, that Prince Andrew knew a lot fucking more than he let on. In fact, why has it just been forgotten about? It was lucky that The Palace announced Garry and Megan’s malarkey just after, which took a lot of the heat off our Andy. Funny that, eh?<br />
<br />
Anyway, like many others, I actually presumed that it was the White Rump turning up again, but I set off anyway with some (maybe none) cans of cider for the journey. Further updates (definitely in lay-bys) suggested that this Swift was actually, maybe, possibly a Pacific Swift! And all above board legally, as in over eighteen.<br />
<br />
By the time I got there it WAS a Pacific Swift and there it was just sort of, like, flying about approximately three miles away and I’d only got bins! Ha. Should’ve gone and got my scope, but if I had I would’ve missed it as after this sighting it was never seen again! Never ever. That was lucky, not great views but lucky.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Hang on a minute, where’s the fucking kids....?<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
........<br />
<br />
<br />mqhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17131819959517156965noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9077566643827208340.post-56379235651537443042020-01-19T03:12:00.000-08:002020-01-19T03:12:27.883-08:00Round Up IV a Bit Like Rocky IV but with no BoxingAround four years ago the information services stated “Black-Winged Pratincole, Durham, 0800 still present showing well”. Off I set. An hour in, checked further information services, no further updates, no bother, carry on. Got to the site only to be told “no sign, it flew south around 815”.<br />
I checked information services to see a message only just posted (11am at this point!) “flew south and no further sign”.<br />
“So I’ve just driven for 2-and-three-quarter-hours and it flew off just as I was setting off and no one reported this small fact?” I shouted to no one in particular. I wasn’t happy. There was a guy walking his dog so I kicked his dog in the leg just to raise a response then CHINNED the bloke as soon as he had the gall to react. So I drove the 2-and-three-quarter-hours back home again.<br />
<br />
Fast forward almost a year to the day and the information services stated “Black-Winged Pratincole, Durham, 0800 still present showing well”. Off I set. An hour in, checked further...You get the picture. .Got to the site only to be told “no sign, it flew south around 815”. “NOT AGAAAAAAAIIIIIIN!” I screamed in a sort of action/revenge movie stylee as I sunk to my knees with arms aloft looking to the heavens. I held this note and posture for at least three minutes for effect. Eight dogs were kicked, in the leg, and eight owners were CHINNED including a sweet granny, an eleven year old who can only be described as a boy, and a Dachshund. Schweinhunds. Schweinhunds means PIG DOGS in German. Which is good. It happened twice. Fucking twice. On a Sunday as well. Wankers.<br />
<br />
June 2019. Black Winged Pratincole, Frampton Marsh, Lincs, showing well. Right then. Merc juiced, bins, scope, check. Off. Arrived. Parked. Walked. Pratincole immediately. Recompense. Durham bastards. Good site. Random words. Roman coin. Card tricks. Deceit. Deceit.<br />
Eyes.<br />
<br />
Jimmy the fucking Jew, part of the Sheffield mafia mob, will understand that last bit. The fucking Jew fuck.<br />
So, yes, a Black Winged Pratincole at the site of my first Oriental Pratincole no less, this site now being host to all three species of Pratincole on the British List, a new world record or summat.<br />
<br />
Liverpool Man U later today. Probably the biggest game in the world maybe only rivalled by Barca/Real or Hull City/Huddersfield. I hate Man U. Their fans are deluded and taken in by the overtly biased media towards their side. One “fan”, a lad from Hull who has seen almost every game on TV, said to me when we were on the piss “name me a better defender than Maguire or Wan-bassaka, and Martial and Rashford are simply world class”.<br />
“You’re deluded” said your faithful author as I simply walked off to the bar to purchase drinks and look down the bartenders top. His beard put me off a bit though.<br />
That was a good joke.<br />
I hate L***s as well. Their twitter goes mad if they win. It goes mad if they lose. They’re deluded as well but don’t get me started.<br />
<br />
There, a nice balanced football based rant to finish.<br />
<br />
Sort of.<br />
Do you know how big this universe thing is? Well, it’s big. Like, big. Nearest star, apart from our own, Alpha Centauri would take how long to reach? Well, I’ll tell you. At a velocity of 56000km/h (at which speed you’d orbit the Earth nearly twice every hour!) it would take 81,000 years. 81 thousand years. Think about that. Our Lord, Jesus Christ was around two thousand years ago. 81000 years.<br />
Nearest galaxy, Andromeda at same velocity? 94 billion years.<br />
94 billion years.<br />
Ninety. Four. Billion. Winestain. Years.<br />
And that’s the nearest.<br />
Big?<br />
I told you it was big.<br />
And please realise just how much bigger a billion is than, say, a million. A million seconds is about 11days. A billion seconds is around 32 years. That’s how mush bigger a billion is.<br />
Don’t go thinking you never learn anything here at Q@Spurn and it’s all just cock jokes interspersed with the odd bird sighting, oh no. You’re just ungrateful.<br />
And pedants, I realise it’s also known as Alpha Proxima.<br />
And I also know there are minor galaxies betwixt here and Andromeda.<br />
And Hitachi isn’t actually a brand. It means “Land of the Giant television” in Japanese.<br />
Maybe.<br />
<br />
<br />
.......mqhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17131819959517156965noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9077566643827208340.post-5501548392076762482020-01-08T12:21:00.001-08:002020-02-04T15:44:54.729-08:00Swimming Pool RulesI’ve just taken the children swimming. The hardest and by far the most strenuous part, without doubt, is putting your socks on afterwards. You know the part where you’re still a bit damp and the floor is soaking? You nearly rip the heel off every sock you’ve ever taken to swimming.<br />
What I did notice whilst the girls were in the deep end unsupervised was that the“pool rules” have changed somewhat over the years since my days as a child swimming.<br />
<br />
<u><b>Swimming Pool Rules 2019</b></u><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>No Bombing</li>
<li>No Running</li>
<li>Respect all others feelings</li>
<li>Share</li>
<li>Prayers on the hour every hour.</li>
<li>No Diving under 1.5m</li>
<li>No Smoking</li>
<li>No Vaping</li>
<li>All genders, races and sexual orientations are equal here and all activities that are traditional to any gender, race or sexual orientation must be observed and adhered to. Any person or persons, or any person that identifies as a non-person must observe such traditions, any person who doesn’t or cannot will be asked to leave but offered a free admission as recompense as we cannot be seen to discriminate even with persons whose views are seen as non conformist.</li>
<li>No Drinking</li>
</ul>
<br />
<br />
<u><b>Swimming Pool Rules 1979</b></u><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>No Bombing</li>
<li>No Running</li>
<li>Use Ashtrays</li>
<li>No Glass</li>
<li>No Dunking</li>
<li>No Blacks</li>
<li>Long Life Lager available </li>
<li>No Prawn cocktails in the pool</li>
<li>Please leave the pool when your band colour flashes on the display and makes a disproportionate wailing noise.</li>
<li>No Male Nudity</li>
<li>No Shaving</li>
<li>No shaven clams, good, honest minges only</li>
<li>No Heavy Petting</li>
</ul>
<div>
Times change...<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
...........<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
mqhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17131819959517156965noreply@blogger.com1