2019 round up XI. Or maybe seven? Maybe five, I don’t know.,

A Wheatear had been found. A rare one. But which rare one? It was one of those Pied/Black Eared females that look just like each other. Hmmm... I consulted the Shellguide to the Birds of Britain then immediately threw it in the bin and picked up another, much more up to date field guide. The leading minds of Ornithology were totally undecided and couldn’t agree on a positive ID. I assigned this to the “unidentifiable in the field” bracket and decided on not travelling as I’d seen several Pieds yet no Black Eared but was confident that this couldn’t be ID’d safely.
This has started almost like a proper birding blog.
And we can’t have that. Can we?!
Can we.....FUCK. There I said it.
Them German soldiers must’ve been thick as fuck. I was in Amsterdam recently and must’ve seen about eight signs all pointing directly to Ann Franks house.
That’s better. Some gratuitous swearing and a shite joke. I feel normal now.
So. Then came the news that some Wheatear shite had been collected. DNA sample sent to Prof. Maybe then? Then came the news that mitochondrial DNA isn't always separable in Pieds/Black Eared. Maybe not then.
This one couldn’t be separated by DNA.
Definitely not then.
Then came news of a ‘ringers feature’ ie an ID feature that ringers use, like the feature on Collared Flys where they have a pale collar on their skin around the nape if you fluff the feathers up. Amazing stuff what we they know these days. So Black Eared show a whitish base to the mantle feathers, maybe then, but these can only be seen if the feathers are fluffed up, maybe not then.
Someone posted shots online. From the rear. In the wind. Feathers fluffed right the fuck up. With white base shafts (shafts - ha! Hilarious!)
A pissing Black Eared Wheatear no less! One that can’t be ID’d in the pissing field! But it has! Oh yeah. It has!
Blackpool here we pissing come. I ran round the house like a pissing loony collecting various birding artefacts and attire. Well I grabbed my pissing bins. Then I grabbed my pissing car key and ran out the door shouting “piiiiiiisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss” and I held the “ssss” all the way until I got into the car. Ethel next door said “Morning” and I just ran past her going “sssssssssssssssss” as she’d missed the “piiii” bit.

On arrival I parked where I was told to park by the information services and walked all of 10 yards onto the grass verge and immediately saw the unidentifiable Black Eared Wheatear down to about 20 feet. I couldn’t ID it as it was a nice calm day, does that mean I don’t get a tick in my birdspottering jotter  pad? Well I do in my eyes. Fuck the rules and fuck Evans.
At the Wheat I was stood with a decent bloke and had a good yarn. I think he was from Donny.

There, that was almost like a proper birding blog post wasn’t it?
Coming next time, gratuitous cock jokes aplenty, swearing like an absolute trooper, lots of made up facts about a random subject, and the usual childish jokes you’re accustomed to.


Cocks.



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Lisa Stansfield Facts

Let’s really get to know pop singer Lisa Stansfield by looking at some fun facts about her in a 1980s “Smash Hits” stylee.

• Lisa’s musical influences include Diana Ross, The Supremes, and Diana Ross and the Supremes although where this influence can be seen in any of her pop records is unknown. Maybe it’s the layered chorus in People Hold On?
• People Hold On featured Lisa Standsfield but was actually released by one hit wonder Coldcut and is said to have been written on a train, that was full, in Manchester. 
• “Lisa Stansfield” is a stage name. Lisa was actually born Lisa Plasterboard but her record producers thought that Lisa Plasterboard wasn’t the right name for a pop singer. Here at Q@Spurn we think Lisa Plasterboard is a terrific name for a pop singer and would have marketed her as such, even including a bucket of dry wall adhesive on every album cover as a gimmick just like Iron Maiden did with their now infamous Eddie the Ed. The bucket of dry wall adhesive could even been integrated into her live shows maybe on a wire flying around the stage with the crowd going wild. Or just stood at the corner of the stage and Lisa, mid song,  occasionally goes over to the bucket and sort of points at it.
• Lisa has two sisters, Karen and Karen, she also has two dogs (names unknown) and coincidentally, two parents but she doesn’t have two husbands as she was married to the Chuckle brothers and sadly one of them died. Not so long back. 
• Lisa’s biggest hit to date was “Been Around the World and I I I” which was written about not being able to find someone she wanted to, and then she got quite determined to find the person and they’d had a row and Lisa let herself go as she’d said things the bloke didn’t even know about, Lisa was pretty bad in her own words and didn’t think the bloke was coming back at all mmm mmm. The bloke, to be fair to him, gave the reasons he should go but Lisa Plasterboard got real mad even though she she didn’t think he was coming back, Lisa openly admitted that she lied and wasted too much time which made her cry so she fucked off around the world looking for him. Surely you’d start at the places he frequented? Did you try the pub in Rochdale Lisa? Could’ve saved yourself  a fortune. Lisa then claims she didn’t know why he’d fucked off but she’s already admitted lying and wasting time and crying and that so surely she did know why he’d fucked off?
• Lisa once developed an allergy to her own saliva. You think I make things up on these “Facts” posts don’t you? Well I don’t. Yahoo it (other search engines are available).
• Lisa’s parents were poor and had to put corks up her nose when she had a cold. They would simply wash the corks and use them the next time someone in their household had a cold. It is unclear what happened if, say, two members of the family had a cold at the same time. 
• Lisa has the biggest collection of artefacts in the world
• Lisa enjoys cross country running and cane 27th in the Rochdale are trials. If she’d have come in the top three she would have represented Rochdale in the Lancashire cross country trials in which the top three qualify for the North West Counties trials in which the top three.....etc. 
• Lisa also enjoys swimming, archery, fox hunting, pot holing and snooker. Her favourite snookerist is Tony Knowles
• Tony Knowles once beat Steve Davis at his peak 10-1 in the first round of the world championships. Davis was defending champion at the time. 
• Knowles was from Bolton and had a reputation as a ladies man, once claiming to have “bedded” upto eight women although not at the same time. 
• The term “bedded” was invented by 1980s unreliable journalists at The Star as a lame tabloid term for the word “knew”. 
• Another snooker player named Tony was/is Tony Meo. Q@Spurns very own mother once met Tony Meo outside Binns in Hull, he was bizarrely signing autographs.  Q@Spurns mother got  Q@Spurn Tony Meos autograph and stated that he was his favourite. Tony Mei was not my favourite at all. It was obviously Doug Mountjoy. Another snookering  Tony could/should be Anthony Hamilton, The Sherriff of Pottingham, as he’s from Nottingham and it’s a play on words from pot, as in pot the balls...etc. But he likes to be known as Anthony so he’s not a snooker Tony at all. 
• I once called someone called Mark that I know well, “Tony” on a night out. He plays snooker as well.

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