Sunday, 26 February 2012


You can't say a lot on Birdforum without being:

a) shot down in flames
b) misconstrued
c) called a hoaxer in public
d) pulled about some dodjy spelling
e) pulled about some dodgy grammar'
f) called a sicko just for posting some 'artistic' pictures of naked ten year old boys.

I've been on the Yorkshire thread just lately and can actually understand how things do get twisted. The written word can sound harsh and can certainly be misconstrued. Oh I love cooking apples.
'What? You love the fruit the Cooking Apple? You're weird and a hoaxer'
No I just love the act of cooking some apples. You see? How many times has a text sounded a bit shirty yet the sender meant it all in good spirits? Never? Oh well fuck you all then.

Then I started having dreams. I had a dream like Danny Dyer's in Football Factory. I dreamt I'd just been in a massive off with Millwall (pronounced Miwow in the facking sarf) and got my head stoved in under an underpass. As I laid there half unconcious, a hoody type walked up and asked me if I was alright.
'Been better. How about you?'
'Me? Oh I'm dead mister' he said without showing me his face. I woke up screaming every time.
This same dream continued every night until one night the hoody type revealed his face. It was Bill Oddie. I woke up screaming again. This continued for some time until one night Bill Oddie spoke to me. He whispered 'Never try to be funny on Birdforum'.
Aaaaaarrrrrghhhh! What the fuck does that mean? I woke up screaming again and smashed my monitor with the nearest thing to hand, a copy of Razzle and half a pint of diluted orange in a pint glass from two days ago. This was it. What did Bill Oddie mean? Why didn't I use some other lame celebrity like Keith Chegwin to try and get just one single cheap laugh?
Do I go to Miwow? Should I dig the Forest Hills out and start towken facking cockney innit? I did neither. I care not about Miwow, it's Leeds at home in a couple of weeks. That's the one. Keep it tight City. Kev once told me; 'don't have any more than 4 pints, have a tiny dab of Billy, then wait til you see the whites of their eyes and fire at will'.
Bill Oddie walked upto me in the dark underpass. Blood trickled from my lip. And nose. He removed his hood to reveal his face and said in a 10 year old girls voice 'you alright mister? Never try to be funny on Birdforum'. Alright, alright I get it. From that very night I never tried to be funny on Birdforum again and the Bill Oddie dreams stopped. Well, not quite. I'm still in the underpass and a hoody still walks upto me but now it's Jo Guest before she got fat, she strips and I eat blueberries from her naked hand.
'you alright mister?' she says.
'Facking right I am' I say and look down at my Trimm Trabbs.


Wednesday, 15 February 2012

Language of the mad.

Drink up, shoot in, let the beatings begin, distributor of pain, your loss becomes my gain.

Arrived at Woodhall services a little late due to time passing as normal instead of passing around 33% slower than normal. I did not take this anomoly into account and on arrival the Secret Twitcher, who had already slaughtered a fox with his car by this time, had left me, thinking I was still sleeping in my slumber. We rearranged the meet for the next services on the Motorway1. This is important to the day's story so hold this thought.

We arrived at Pagham Harbour and got pretty cold and had very very great tickable flight views of the Paddyfield Warbler from a distance of 4 miles through the optical aid that is 8 x 42 binoculars. Hmmm, Dog's bollocks! And I do NOT use that phrase as a superlative. Mr Secret killed a bog standard, basic Rat with his car to which he was neither happy nor sad.

Onto Calshot in Hampshire. I picked out the Spanish Sparrow and got the few people present onto it... for a whopping 3 seconds. A lot of searching ensued yet we saw nothing more of the bird. Big Elephant's Cocks.

Into the New Forest. The Secret Twitcher had murdered an innocent Badger with his car much to his delight and shortly we found the site of the Slate Coloured Junco. It wasn't there and hadn't been seen. Hairy Pigs' hairy Slots!

'What a Big Horses Fat Vertical Bacon Sandwich' I said to Mr Secret as he dropped me off at the wrong side of Motorway1. He'd killed a small pony with his car and was licking the blood from his radiator grill.

I clambered my way over Motorway1 and found my facking mowta. Going the wrong way down Motorway1 I had to turn round. I turned round but the extra mileage used getting to the further services then onto the junction to turn round had used up most of my stored diesel. Big Donkey flanges!

Never mind, I've get enough to get me to the next services. Only just. A sign then adorned Motorway1: No Diesel at next services. Bull's Bells! Oh shit. No really. Shit. Off at the next junction. Found a garage immediately! Deep joy! No diesel, Sheep flaps. A distant Otter cried out in pain as Secret's car stoved it's fucking head in. Onwards. Really need a garage and where the fuck am I? Finds a garage in the nick of time. Dieselled up to fuck I set off. I'd travelled minus 5 miles in an hour and a half! Big *insert animal* hairy *insert genetalia euphemism*!

I missed my girls today which is an unusually soft and tender moment here on Q@Spurn and is a much needed respite from the stupid animal genetalia euphemisms that have afflicted this post thus far.


Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Just a Valentine's message to my beloved...

When you get in from work you best suck this you bastard. There.

Ham per sure tomorrow. Target species include Knot, Nuthatch and Slate Coloured Junco. I once questioned why its name had been changed on Birdforum and suggested that, perhaps, it's not officially PC to use the word 'coloured'. I was called a racist and told that they were sorry the BNP didn't get the vote over there in England! And that was from someone in the deep south! Sorry I spoke. Tomorrow's totally PC target species:
Darky Eyed Junco.
Spic Spaz.
Slanty Eyed Chinko Rice Picking Warbler.

Honestly, I got a right slating for it. Fucking great, Birdforum.


Wednesday, 8 February 2012


Our feathered friends are having it tough and no mistake about it (what does that mean?). Today I was driving along First Lane which is not far from Benedict when I noticed a Heron spp perched atop a relatively small Alder type tree in some crazy Boothferry estate back garden. It must've been looking for Corned beef. Take note that First Lane is a pretty mother fucking busy road and the Heron spp was only metres away from my car as I screeched to a halt to find that it was just the expected Grey Heron. Why do I tell you such shite? I don't know...
All I know is that it must've been pretty desperate for food to land and hunt from a branch/tree like that.

Hants on Monday for all sorts of action. Jesus holy Mary mother of god.


Monday, 6 February 2012

My new friend.

I made a friend today. I'd never met him before and was only introduced by our 7 mutual friends. We got on well from the off, he showed me some pictures of him and his family so I showed him some of mine. He said he likes this. I told him what I was having for tea, fish tonight which he liked. He said he was having Chilli with rice which I said I liked. We got on so well even though I'd never heard of him before today that he invited me to look round his farm. I liked this. So I went and he had a really good set up with rows of crops and fields of barley and 80 cows. He watered his crops. Later we played poker with some of our mutual friends and ended up laughing my fucking arse off! It was great fun and everyone laughed out loud after EVERYTHING that ANYBODY ever said. We even ended up rolling around the floor laughing. I got some more requests from his friends to be my friend which I confirmed even though I'd never even heard of them before. They said hi and laughed out loud when I said anything. 6 other friends liked this for some reason. I said What the Fuck when my new friend tagged me but he just laughed out loud. My new 6 friends were all farmers too coincidentally and they asked me to look round their farms. This I disliked. And when 37 of my new friends' friends requested that they wanted to be my friend and asked me to look at their fucking stupid farms I decided that enough is enough and just ignored them. That'll show them, laugh out loud. Now they won't ever know exactly what I'm having for tea on any given day.