Eldest plays Grand Theft Auto. Where you steal cars, visit strip clubs, do drug deals, shoot the Police, etc. She is seven after all.
So I started playing it. I asked her the actual aim of the game. She said “don’t get nicked, don’t get shot, don’t die, you lose if you die”, Which is usually the case on various games including Pac-man, Snake and Scramble. Okay. So I started playing. Easy. I got in my online car and drove to the designated speed limits. Indicating as I went, I wasn’t in an Audi. It was quite easy but after a while I got a little bit bored and returned to my new online home. Then I got in my online car and drove to the speed limits. THIRTEEN HOURS I drove around to the legal limit, no police chases, no drug deals, no shooting, fuck all. Well there wouldn’t be would there? I went to bed thinking of how many times I’d visited an online imaginary petrol station and how many times I’d gone back to my imaginary online home only to get bored and go for a drive with my seatbelt on. I think I won the game but it didn’t really suggest that I had, indeed, won the game. Ruby, meanwhile, had been killed 38 times, “skord” class A drugs and visited places where imaginary “hoes” dance seductively to the imaginary online world. She had run down 83 pedestrians, been involved in police chases driving at least 56 mph in a 30 zone, car jacked some poor mo fo, had 12 gun fights with the filth, shagged 18 hoes, nicked a school bus and driven it into the middle of Chesterfield, making the residents of Chesterfield going about their daily business run and hide. But I won! So who’s the winner? Me. I had safe, legal fun.
GTA fun facts:
1) GTA was originally called “Drive Within Regulations” (DWR) and had a sub-title “don’t Get killed” but no one bought it. As it wasn’t very good.
2) Police frown upon the use of drugs and also……..stealing cars.
3) And hookers.
7) TonyKnowles, the snookerist from Bolton, once potted the final black with his cock! I know! Mad innit?! Whether he chalked the end we are not sure of as it’s not on YouTube.
4) I’ve just realised that we’ve just jumped straight to Tony Knowles.
5) So “we” need to put some sort of link (segway) in between.
6) Popular randy 80s sexual snooker player Tony Knowles once played GTA but he just kept going to the online snooker hall for hours until he hadn’t bought a drink, the light had gone out, but he carried on playing! The online bartender asked Tony to put more money in the light but Tony just got sexual. That’s it.
8) Tony Knowles used to get sexual quite often, even during matches.
9) Tony Knowles highest break is 58.He once told me in confidence. In a sexy pub. But then he gave a big “wink” and I didn’t know what he meant to be honest. Did he mean he’s never had a 58 break? Or did he mean that his highest break is more than 58? Or did he mean his highest break was 58 in some of sexual way? We, at Q@Spurn, cannot be sure. Knowing Tony Knowles it must have been something sexual.
10) As this is a birding blog today I saw a Chaffinch.She had been bummed by Tony Knowles. In the 80s. I know.,Mad innit? I’m not sure how long Chaffinches live. He never rang her after that. Animal.
11) After Googling “How long do Chaffinches live?” We found out that the oldest living Chaffinch is one owned by Dennis Taylor.
Disgraceful scenes.
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