Father's Day. The only day of the year when I'm allowed to do whatever I'd like to do due to being ruled by the iron fist of a female (Nicola)! Not really, I wear the fucking trousers and I hope she doesn't read this or she'll kill me.
A Spotted Sand was found yesterday at North Cave Wetlands but being afternoon on a Saturday meant I'd already started on the lager flavoured drinks and couldn't drive. Nicola can't drive and Ruby is only 22 months but can drive but sadly only her miniature pink car. I thought about this as an option but decided against it. We'll go tomorrow.
Off we go, nicola and small child in tow. The plan was simple: Spot Spot Sand Off Pop Pub (SSSOPP) for dinner and more lager drinks.The Sandpiper was a full adult spotty bastard but decided to fuck off high and south 10 minutes before I arrived. Bah!
I pondered it's journey here. It's plumage and timing maybe suggests a non-breeding adult that surely must have arrived last Autumn, gone north, couldn't find a mate so fucked off south early in the year, passing through North Cave for a brief refuelling stop.
We went nearby for small child to have a wander around in the fresh air so I took them strategically just down the road where you can see the local Red Kites. Very good. Then went to pub for luncheon, alas, the fucker was ABSOLUTELY SHUT! Shit. We simply went home and masticated. Which is very different to wanking.
Went back to Far Ings to see if the regular Bitterns had started giving regular flight views due to them regularly feeding their newly hatched offspring regularly. They hadn't but after 2 minutes of sitting in the hide, a Bittern flew across right in front of the hide! Fuck me, a Bittern!
Now, embarassingly, and you will automatically think "tart's tick" or "kid lister" after this next statement but I don't care.
Bittern is a lifer for me!
Truely truely shocking. When people talk of bogey birds then this is mine, I've been to Far Ings many many times and other places that hold Bittern but never once connected. I suppose I've never really set out with the direct intention of definately seeing a Bittern at a certain site at a certain time of the year which I could've done, so please don't e-mail me with sites and times where I would've seen one ages ago:
'Dear Q, You should've gone to Potteric Carr on June 4th at around 7am, they always show then every year. Hope this helps, Ian Black'. or
'Gillian and I were dogging at the A148 lay-by the other day when just as Gillian was clasping her tongue 'round a strangers ballbag, a Bittern emerged from the grass verge, much to our surprise! Oh how we laughed at the comical sight of Gillian watching a rare Bittern with a ballbag in her mouth! Yours sincerely, Alan and Gillian Minge'
Now this is profound. Or maybe just a load of shite, I can't decide.
Science Fiction (Hi-fi) has always had "time machines" prominent in some stories. I lay here, before you, proof that there will never be a time machine in the future!
If in 10,000 years time they'd finally cracked it and made a time machine that can drop in and out of space/time then WE'D ALREADY KNOW ABOUT IT!! Think about it, someone would have definitely visited our time or our known history by now. Most people go to work to earn money apart from maybe Mr John Hippy who cares not about money but only longs for world peace and a greener planet. So most people are 'driven' by monetary needs, rightly or wrongly, agreed? Okay, where was I?
Oh yeah, so if someone who is money driven and business-like owns one of these time machines, it's not hard to make money from going back to the past with prior knowledge of the future. Get it?
If it were me, then I'd probably go back in time with sports results and bet on them, ala the sport's almanac in Back to the Future or even go video the birth of Christ, (whoever he or she may be) bang it onto thousands of DVDs and have an army of Chinese people selling them on industrial estates. But if I had've done that, then someone else would've seen the money made and also gone and filmed the birth of Christ (alongside me) but then sold the DVDs a year earlier leaving me with thousands of DVDs that everyone's already seen and thousands of Chinese workers wanting their wages!
Then another businessman would pre-date the next business man, then another would sell his DVDs before him and Bethlehem would, in the end, be overrun with photographers and camera men! No wonder there was no room at the Inn! It would end up in people having to sell their DVDs so early in history that they'd have to go back in time to video the birth, then have to go back BEFORE the birth to be able to sell their DVDs! I then reckon the Virgin Mary would get hold of a copy of her future birth and think "fuck that, I'm not having the son of god there in front of all those cameras" and fuck off to give birth on the outskirts of Nazereth at one of her mates houses and the stable in Bethlehem would be surrounded with 1000's of cameramen and the Virgin Mary doesn't even show up! The three wise men are pissed of, they've come a long way for this, but the Inn keeper's never had it so good and puts a quiz night on with free chips at half time!
There would be guided tours from the future to see 9/11 as it happened and millions of future Hull City fans would swamp Wembley to see Dean Windass score the winning volley that put us up into the Premiership with tickets selling for millions of pounds because of future inflation and apocalyptic oil wars devaluing the pound and rendering it that a million pounds is merely a day's wage in 9625AD.
The Do-do would've been saved due to future hippies going back and preserving and breeding specimens and generally the course of history would be already changed and the huge number of different time-lines would not simply be able to co-exist, therefore heralding the collapse of the space/time continuum.
So there you have it, direct argument as to why there will never be a "time machine".
(note to the omnipresent Webmaster in the sky: please upgrade my web status tags from 'birding nerd' to 'basic philosophy'. Please.)
Whilst banging our lass from behind with my enormous penis for fucking hours and hours, I glanced out of the bedroom window.
"Tits!" I exclaimed.
There were Coal Tits hovering at the window trying to feed on tiny insect matter beneath the guttering.They then flew into the front garden. Amazing. Here's the final totals: Coal Tit..........2.
Who gives a fuck about this shite? Does anyone read it? Can you please let me know if you read it.
I wonder if any celebrities read it? Celebrities are allowed on the internet aren't they? I wonder which celebrities follow the s(h)ite?
I've looked into it. Apparently Snoop Dogg is a regular as well as the likes of Normski, J-Lo, Keith Chegwin and Wicksy off Eastenders.
If you are a top celeb and read this drivel please e-mail me to let me know.
I know what's going to happen now. All you normal non-celebs are gonna go on hotmail and set up bogus accounts to e-mail me from for a laugh. I'll be getting fantastical e-mails from the likes of email@example.com or firstname.lastname@example.org saying she wants to meet me to find out if the first sentence of this post is really true.
How many cream crackers do you think you can eat in a minute without a drink? 5? 6 maybe?
Next time you have friends 'round entertain them no end by trying it. It'll be the best party you've ever thrown! Or not.
Come on, how many do you reckon really? 6? Fuck off no way, it's hard as fuck, you'll struggle to eat ONE! I bet you're all of to the kitchen now to try it! We used to do it when we were 15 at cider parties.