Friday, 13 September 2013


Sometimes I wonder about things.  Like why I titled the last post "Purple Bell Ends"?  I wonder what I was thinking.  Drinking heavily before/during the composition of a post is vital, I find, to not having a clue actually what you've published to the whole world until you log on sometime the following day.

A while ago I told you all about Nicola brushing her teeth with hair removal cream and me finding it fucking hilarious having great sympathy.  It reminded me of the Veet hair removal cream reviews on Amazon which went viral, which included the excellent review "Do NOT put on knob and bollocks - Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks". 
It is good.
Hang on, I'll find you a link, that's how nice I am...........


...... Veet Reviews.......


Some other interesting reviews came to my attention the other week.  A bloke my brother knows is an alcoholic which is fine.  His family have always had money, proper money, and to try and help him, and give him something to focus on, they gave him a guest house to run in the pleasant and affluent town of Beverley, some 10 miles from me, Minster Garth, a lovely Tudor building near the minster.  Maybe knowing him makes it a bit funnier but I thought I'd share the Trip Advisor reviews with you.  There's a lot of boring reviews to trawl through but you come across the odd gem like:

When i arrived the owner was standing in the main sitting room shouting
obscenities at anyone who passed the window...

....having banged on our door 9.30 in the morning to insist we come
down to breakfast and we politely explained we were heading
into town instead, we were told to ‘f*** off and not come back’...
....As he continued to scream at the elder man, telling him to "
Be an F#$%#ing Man" simply for wearing sneakers he left
out the front, ran into traffic, smashed his glass on
 the sidewalk and proceeded to chase cows.

Just read page 4 and 5 of the reviews.  Brillog.

Link:   Loono.

Jesus fucking Christ.  I've got PGA Golf's shot tracker on on another tab and Hunter Mahan (whom I've backed) has just triple bogeyed.  A bogey is the most gutting feeling in the world ever but a TRIPLE bastard?  Fuck you all.  And fuck Hunter Mahan. 

Oh and Facebook users, that blurred bit that's just off the edge of your screen is called "real life"......


Saturday, 7 September 2013

Purple Bell Ends.

The road to Spurn is now a right bastard.  They changed the speed limits some time ago to include places that are now 40 but used to be 60, plus loads of places where the limit is now 30 and used to be.....erm......40.  Or summat.  Interesting eh?  It is now not a great drive.  It used to be, especially through that chicane near Haverfield Haven where you could floor it and see for miles and drift it round the corner.  When I had the old Vectra I could reach speeds of upto a THOUSAND miles an hour on that stretch.  But only in that dear old Vectra.  That same Vectra took us (Sats, Killer, Myself and Edward Dixon) to Forest away when they were unbeaten in three thousand games and we won one fucking nil.  That Vectra is now departed and I now own a fine Vauxhall Astra specimen.  It's blue.  You know motorbiker-types?  When motorbiker-types pass another motorbiker-type in the opposite direction they "nod" at each other in a sort of limp appreciation of one another.  What in god's name is that all about?  I had an ex-bitch of mine that was an ex-motorbiker-type-bitch and she used to do "the nod" at motorbiker-types when in a car!  Fucking loono.  Well, I've decided to do "the nod" at other Astra drivers in appreciation of what they're driving and how they drive the machine, man.  Astra drivers are now encouraged to nod at all other Astra drivers and pull in as close to the kerb as they can whenever another Astra is overtaking you thus giving him/her far too much comfortable room to complete the manoeuvre .  The overtaking Astra driver is also encouraged to hold a horizontal, casual and relaxed hand out in appreciation of you pulling in to let his/her Astra pass.  Them there motorbiker-types may not even like each other!  What are they waving at each other for?  For instance, a racialist man might not even like white people, but on a bike he gives "the nod" to a white guy!  Or vice versa of course.  Live and let live.  Even criminals are just normal people, just like you and me.  They've just got much darker skin.

My garden/house is better than Spurn.  I have no idea what is going on.  My house is in a cul-de-sac in the heart of vibrant Hessle.  The best bird I've seen in other gardens I've lived in, in Hessle, is maybe a treecreeper (April 19th 1986, Pulcroft Rd) or summat.  As I've told you before, this house has seen a Hobby in May then a PURPLE HERON which has no chance of being accepted as I was pissed when I submitted it and even swore in the description and drew a comedy penis on the sketch was all pretty amazing.  Not any more.  At Spurn, or anywhere really, a Purple Heron is pretty fucking good.  And maybe a Wheatear isn't that good?  Well, here in suburbia a Wheatear IS far better than a Purple Heron!  Honest.  Have a look at this:

Little one, Olivia asked "What's that noise?"
I thought, jesus, what is it?  It's a chat!  Never.  What?  I jumped up.
Livvy said "Is that birdy making the noise Dad?" and there on our front wall was a Wheatear!
What is going on?
I got the bins and the coverts had pale centres....don't even go there....they really did.....all in all a young Northern Wheat was in our road!  It perched up on the roof of the houses opposite then ended up perched up on the rooves at the back of the house

It's there.  On next door's bin.

Unreal shit mamma.
Then after all that shenanigans, another Hobby flew through yesterday, this time a juvenile and interestingly took almost exactly the same route that the adult had in May but I wasn't even going to mention that as I think you may not believe all these crazy records and you think I sound like Martin Stansfield.

If any birders would like to book accommodation at my brilliant house, B&B is only £25 per night outside migration periods and just £85 B&B during May and Autumn.  This includes a full English breakfast and a topless hand shandy off the missus, and only £95 WITHOUT the topless hand shandy off the missus.  Fuck me, it's worth the extra tenner believe me.