Song Sparrow! In Yorkshire!

People at Christmas: Don’t say Christmas Day “falls funny this year, It’s midweek, so you get a weekend then Christmas then another weekend”. What’s funny about that? Then in three to four years tine you’ll be saying “it falls funny this year, you get Christmas at weekend then there’s a full week and it’s New Year on the next weekend”. I don’t want to hear it anymore. What difference does it make apart from the date you finish then start work again? 

It doesn’t get much better honestly…

Cat litter doesn’t taste very nice, like.

You know the old one that all Chinese tourists in London who get a cab always end up in Harrow? Well, they all ended up at Tooting Common when they were trying to get to the  Tutankhamen exhibition apparently. During covid they wanted to go clap the NHS on a Thursday and ended in Cwapham. Taxi drops off a Chinese guy to meet Trump and Putin for talks, he only asked to go to Quiz Two Powers and ended up at Selhurst Park.

Not bad that one. Thanks to Pauline for sending that in. 

Very poor indeed. 

They say “No news is good news” 

but, like, if someone gets swept out to sea, 

after four days I reckon the lack of news 

is a right fucker if you ask me. 

So I think this old wives tale is a latderbollox like. 

Chinese guy books a posh hotel with underfloor heating. Tells driver “Hotel please”. 

“Which hotel?”

“Hotel. Warm Floor”

“Ah, Romford B&B. The A187 is closed today though so I’ll have to go round the harrrziz………….”

Very poor indeed. You’re wasting your time. 

“Save time in the morning before going 

to a movie set like me, by putting 

cornflakes in a bowl and putting 

the milk on the night before. 

The cornflakes go all mushy though. 

And you just bin the fuckers like. 

And, thinking about it, it costs 

the same amount of time the night

 before plus your pre-prepared

 breakfast is inedible so my 

Jimmy Nails Top Tip is to not do any of that, like”. 

I use a spirit level when laying bricks.

 It tells you if it’s level. 

Well, if they’re level, like 

A Wasp landed on me futtin leg like, 

so I waved my hand sort of over

 the futter and it flew off like.

 No one was harmed. Does that count like, 

cos I’m running out of time and 

I’ve gotta go meet Sting for a chinwag 

So, a Song Sparrow no less! In Yorkshire! I went and looked right at it. 

Right at it. 

Twitching!

Today I awoke with Paul Youngs subliminal classic “Every Time You Go Away” in my head. The old joke about the song  being a Butchers shop favourite of course entered proceedings, so I strutted around the house singing Every Time You Go Away, you take a piece of meat with you… much to my childish amusement. The kids unanimously agreed “Dads off his fucking head again…”

Yesterday, it was Eighties TV ads (that got stuck in my head). It all started with “The champion Mushy Peas - that’s these! Batch batch batch Batchelors! The champion Mushy Peas!” I couldn’t get it out of my head. 

Has any other or my reader(s) ever awoken with an eighties advertisement jingle regarding Mushy Peas before? We’d LOVE to hear from you if you have. 

Then, on HOOVERING (it’s fucking hoovering, yes, I realise it’s a trade name that has become a colloquialism in everyday life, but that’s how it’s become to be known. NOT vacuuming. No way, sir. A bit like spam. That’s different actually. Chimley. Instead of Chimney. Chimley IS a word) I became obsessed with Eighties hoover-in scented carpet cleaner/freshener Shake ‘n’ Vac. Note to self: Parentheses way too long: reader may not follow. 

“You do the shake n vac and put the freshness back, do the shake n vac and put the freshness back. If your carpet smells fresh, your room does too! Every time you vacuum (bah) remember what to do, you do the shake n vac and put the freshness back”. 

Two things about this. 

1) Has anyone ever had that pop in their head when they’re NOT hoovering?

2) The lyric “If your carpet smells fresh, your room does too…” is genius! Who, in their right mind, would offer that up as a catchy jingle? I don’t know, but it’s worked, as I still remember it! 

3) There is no number three.

Grey Headed Lapwing Northumberland. Been in the country maybe c.28 days? First time around, I got within an hour of it but had to sack it off due to alcoholism. This time around, I was determined! Determined. I am the quickest twitcher off the mark. If some big news breaks, I just go insane to get there. So when news broke that it was back at East Chevington I decided to set off some twenty days later and you know how twitchers like to get there near dawn? Well dawn was around seven (I haven’t got a clue tbh) so if I set off at four, three hours there, half hour with the bird, three hours home, I’m home at 1030 to conduct more tests on the ex. True to form, shit-hot twitcher, I arrived on site at 1150am, around ten minutes before the afternoon was due to begin. 

I saw it though. It was, like, proper good. And that. The next day it was nowhere to be seen. Or the next. 

Maybe it’s dead.

…..