Letters

I receive literally ZERO letters about my “fascinating” blog. Here are a few letters I’ve not received this week…

Dear Q@Spurn

I’ve been reading this shit for almost six minutes. And I’m not enamoured by it at all. When will I be able to search for bird-related blogs that offer insights into bird-related content?

Mary J Blighted 

Horncastle

Dear Q@Spurn

Whilst shopping the other day I picked up a magazine that offered soft pornography. I don’t even like soft pornography. In fact, no one likes soft pornography. People who are against any sort of pornography are against it, they simply don’t like it, yet people who DO like pornography want much more from their chosen evening reading, involving penises and the like.  Why not ban soft pornography as it merely a compromise between proper pornography and no pornography?

Regards

Esther Ransen.

Harrogate

Dear Q@Spurn

Only the other day, I booked onto an 18-30s holiday. Little do they know I’m thirty right now, but here’s the hilarious bit, I turn thirty-one whilst I’m there! 

I’m a bit worried I may be left out of the activities once I no longer fit into the designated age range as detailed in their T&Cs (Section 8c). As usual, it’s one rule for people who are eligible and one rule for people who are but then won’t be. 

Elton John

Bucks

Dear Q@Spurn

I object in the strongest possible way to the lack of Rice Krispies in my local shop. I went there only four days ago and there was some on the shelf. I didn’t need Rice Krispies at the time. When will shopkeepers actually cater for the customers needs and not concentrate on stupid things like stock rotation and supply and demand? 

Shaun Tits

Hereford. 

Dear Q@Spurn

Whilst drunk on the A15 an extraordinary thing happened.

Kev 

Birmingham

Dear Q@Sourn

I have to say, I don’t really like coons.

Kind Regards

A Hitler 

Stalingrad

Dear Q@Spurn

Every year it seems Christmas items are on sale earlier and earlier due to marketing ploys and media indoctrination. Only the other day I saw Birthday cards on sale and my birthday isn’t until February. 

Kerry Splinter

Basingstoke

Dear Q@Spurn

All day breakfasts? I’d finished mine at 09:30. As usual it’s one rule for people who eat breakfast all day and one for people who don’t. 

Eat breakfast all day that is. 

Colin Occupantsofinterplanetarycrafts

Southampton

Dear Q@Spurn

Tired of going to work? Don’t go on the piss as much as you want to? Simply don’t go to work and go on the piss. Two birds, one stone. 

I think. 

These so called boffins simply are not boffins. 

Maureen Stainpiper

York

Dear Q@Spurn

Have you ever noticed that 80s snooker players are much sexier and sexual than the earlier or later players? Snooker players need to up their game in the sexual stakes. And earlier players that might be dead now should’ve been sexier. 

Sooner.

Does that make sense? 

T Knowles

Bolton

Dear Q@Spurn

Why is it that every self-respecting post that you, erm, post ends up involving sexual 80s snooker player Tony Knowles? There’s other sexual 80s snooker players you know.

Tony Meo

Brighton

Dear Q@Spurn

How come you don’t see jazz mags hid under hedges any more? As usual it’s one rule for people who like jazz mags and another for people who don’t hide them under hedges anymore. 

Auntie Pauline

Chipping Norton

Dear Q@Spurn

In relation to the above letter, I have ask why certain people found the need to hide their jazz mags beneath hedges? Surely there’s lots of places to hide them in the safety of your own home even if you have a wife or partner? 

The whole thing isn’t really an issue now to be honest. 

Shaun Tits

Bath

Dear Q@Spurn

I once stood next to supposed ladies man, Tony Knowles, at a urinal. It wasn’t that big because I stared right at it. 

It was quite a lot bigger than mine though.

It’s just typical if you ask me. 

D Reynolds

Grimsby

Dear Q@Spurn

As an “avid” reader, it is obvious that you are writing these so-called “letters” yourself (plus your team)  In which case, I (you) can simply write whatever I (you) want to!  You handsome, sexy, bastard. 

Sam Fox

Boobsington

Dear Q@Spurn

My cock’s not bad at all I’ll have you know.Its not the biggest, but it’s certainly above average.

Don’t listen to Mr Reynolds in previous letters.

Ive not seen his manhood in person, so I simply cannot retort. 

T Knowles

Bolton

Dear Q@Spurn

Not a-all of the a-80s a-snooker a-players were a-sexy.

A-luckily for a-me, I was a-sexy a-senior.

A Drago

Malta

Dear Q@Spurn

During the epic 1985 World Snooker Final that I won on the deciding black, Steve Davis produced his willy just before he missed the black. It was just a tactic to put me off. Steve would use anything he could as he was a great competitor. He had it out all game once, in the Lada Classic and no one noticed. It didn’t put me off as it wasn’t that big. 

D Taylor

Noyen Irren.

Dear Q@Spurn

Non-stick frying pan? How come the egg stays in the same place in the pan when you’re cooking it then? Until you move it? 

As usual it’s one rule for non-stick frying pan manufacturers and one rule for the the people that use them.

J Oliver

Bingley

Dear Q@Spurn

In response to J Oliver’s letter (above) I totally agree with you. I myself have cooked eggs in a pan and they only move when I move them. Apart from heat convection and Brownian Motion (if you add water). 

Cheers

Sting

Bali

Dear Q@Spurn

Willie Thorne had the biggest cock out of any 80s snooker players. He just laughed when Blake’s Seven was on. 

“Willies eight-and-a-half more like” he used to chuckle.  

N Foulds

Dewsbiry

Dear Q@Spurn

I’m always unsure as to what actual size “party-sized” things should be.  The reference “party” advertises them as over-the-top, massive fun times, but in my experience they’re usually a lot smaller than the usual confectionery. 

As usual, it’s one rule for confectionery advertisers and another for people who buy them and are disappointed. 

Jan Dildo

Sunderland

Dear Q@Spurn

I’d put Peter Ebdon up there, but he wasn’t 80s, thinking about it. 

From the 80s, Terry Griffiths was underestimated. Not that long but good girth to be honest. 

K Stevens

Toronto

Dear Q@Spurn

I’ve seen Tony Knowles pot a red with his cock. 

Using the rest!

Beat that.

T Knowles

Bolton

Dear Q@Spurn

All this talk about sexual 80s snooker players and their penises is frankly childish and  bringing the game down. 

But, to be clear, the following is fact. 

Cocks (on the slack)

1 Willie Thorne

2 Doug Mountjoy

3 Tony Knowles

4 Mike Hallet 

5 Len Ganly

End of.

Fact.

Yours etc

C Thorburn

Toronto

Dear Q@Spurn

With regards to Mr T Knowles of Bolton’s claim to have potted a red with his cock (with the rest!) I have to say it wasn’t quite as easy as that. He had to serve it a little around the blue this making him cock down on the white which is even more impressive.

Kind Regards

Joe Johnson

Bradford

Dear Q@Spurn

I once asked Len Ganly (dark horse) for an extension whilst using the rest but in no way could I have reached that with my penis. 

With or without an extension. 

As usual it’s one rule for sexual 80s snooker players that have the ability (length) to do such a thing and one rule for everyone else. 

And surely it’s a foul? 

Four away. 

W. Werbernuick

Toronto

Dear Q@Spurn

In answer to Mr Werbernuick’s question, the “Player” has to make contact with the cue ball with his “tip”. Anything else is a foul. 

Four away. 

Although the word “tip” is a little open to interpretation, hence Mr T Knowles actions in previous snooker events? The mind boggles. 

Phil Collins

Toronto.

Dear Q@Spurn

These young Chinese so-called snooker stars coming through are letting traditions go. 

If you ask me. 

Not many of them have even average-sized willies due to their race and upbringing.

Yours 

John Parrott

Crewe 

…..