Tuesday, 13 July 2010

Alarming information

If you ever buy a house/car/hat without an alarm, simply don't worry!  What's the point in an alarm?  When does anybody (myself included) react to an alarm going off? Let's think about this:

If you hear an alarm going off at 12 noon you are meant to assume the following:

a)   If 'going off', this alarm is here to say that something is wrong....
b)   .....usually that something is being taken, and/or....
c)   ...that someone has broken in without permission.
d)   Alert the emergency services at once.

And do you?  Well?  No, didn't think so.  This is what you really think:

If indoors at home and hear the alarm you think:
"Bastard alarms.  I hope it gets turned off soon cos Loose Women's about to start".

If outdoors and hear the alarm you simply walk past it and think:
"Fuck me, that's loud".

Pointless!  Now visualise hearing an alarm at 12 midnight:

If indoors at home and hear the alarm you think:

"Bastard alarms. I hope it gets turned off soon cos Babestation's about to start".

If outdoors and hear the alarm you simply walk past it and think:
"Fuck me, that's loud.  This kebab's fucking nice, I'll go there again".


My car alarm started to wail for no apparent reason today, whilst in transit.  There was no way this thing was turning off.  I even drove to a remote part of town so that I could take the fuses out without waking the dead.  This didn't stop it.  I took it to a mate of mine and as we were working on it by the roadside which is the very same road that the runners in the Humber Bridge half marathon had just ran down so there were police everywhere.  Three cop cars and a copper on a bike all passed whilst we were there!
Again, this alarm is saying to passers-by (in particular police passers-by) that:

a)   There is something wrong
b)   This alarm is going off because someone has started the engine without the correct key/fob
c)   This alarm is going off because someone has opened the door locks without the correct key/fob
d)   It is possible that whoever has stolen this car will have taken it somewhere to be immobilised
e)   Contact emergency services at once.

The emergency services cruised by......4 fucking times!!!!  They didn't bat an eyelid.  From a police point-of-view they probably, and rightly thought "Oh, there's two blokes mending/disabling a car alarm that has gone off accidentally".
So, again, what is the point in this alarm?

I suppose if it's YOUR vehicle, or YOUR car, or YOUR hat, i.e. YOUR alarm, then I suppose it is relevant, but only to you.  So why, if it is only the owner that needs to hear it, are they so loud??!! So a simple, quiet, discreet alarm is all that's required, perhaps the alarm sends a text to your phone?  This would even be better for catching any suspects instead of scaring them off.  I might market that idea.  Dragon's Den, here I come.  I'll take along my other idea at the same time.  It's a new kind of book where all the months of the year are laid out into 'dates'.  Under each 'date' you can write something to remind you of something that's happening on that 'date' or even something that happened on a previous 'date' just to record for posterity.  You will never miss a dentist appointment again.  The book shall cover one whole year, January to December.  I shall call it 'Reminder Book'.

1 Sparrowhawk.

An early prototype.


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