Friday, 28 June 2013


A swift flew at a windmill, the twitchers said Damn,
The windmill was winning it's hardly suprisin'
The twitcher who missed it said, "How unlucky I am,
Those fucking windmills should go down the pan"

I saw a Swift!
Dead and ultra rare!
Where's the ultra rare?
Right there!
A needletail with his clogs popped
Well I declare!
Going flip-flappety-flap ultra rare
Oh yeah
Right there
Oh yeah...

It's been an amazing couple of weeks on the garden listing front.  About three weeks ago I was barneying on the phone with fatty my darling when a Hobby flew past only twenty yards away!  Jesus Christ!  An adult, red trousers, I interrupted fatty shouting at me on the phone, "Hobby!  Fuck me!"
She said "What?"
"Hobby! Fuck me!"
She said "What?"
"Hobby! Fuck me!"
It was like Crazy Chris Rea when he's trying to tell his bitch all about Texas and she hasn't got a fucking clue what he's on about.

I said Texas.  She said what?
I said Texas.  She said what?
I said Texas.  She said what?
I said Texas.  She said what?

At this point, if I were Chris Rea, I'd have lost it with her.  What the fuck does she not understand?  He's only telling her about Texas. 

Crazy them women.


Fast forward three weeks after the Hobby shenanigans and there I am, alone, with a three litre bottle of White Lightning, a Tesco's own lasagne warming in the microwave, piss stains on the tea towel, no kids cos they now live with their mam and "Derek", Babestation on the black and white portable, a birds eye potato waffle still floating in the sink, and a strange call from over my shoulder.  "Crayk"  I said "What?" It said "Crayk"  I said "Erm...what?". It said "Texas" I said "What?".  It said "Texas"..... I was skywatching, as I always do.  It was a Purple Heron!  Shit me!  Quite low.  Erm..... shit!  I watched it until out of view then wrote a description down on my phone:

Streaking on the breast down the full front (what?!) rufous on breast.  stripey fucker along neck and head.  distinct yet subtle.  neat maybe better description.  call "crayk" repeated four times.  maybe crek.  short.  underwing uniformly dark.  flight quicker than Grey.  slim.  looked like it was going down near the new flood area til mobbed by 2 herring gull which looked only 10-20% smaller when together.  the bird took rapid evasive action with head and neck strangely out, neck almost anhinga like.  that's how I would describe I but i'm a touch mental.

That's what I wrote.  And that's what my official description is going to be when submitted. 

Best I've had at Spurn just lately was one of many Red Backed Shrikes.   And an Eider Ducky.  Left.
Not North.  Just "Left".

Nicola is out tonight.  Earlier, I had a quick tidy of the bathroom cabinet.  I found something that looked just like toothpaste.  I picked it up thinking that we've got more toothpaste than I thought.  Same lid and that.  Same tube and that.  I stood it up like a toothpaste-type-thing.  Several hours later and she comes out of the bathroom shrieking that she'd just cleaned her teeth with hair removal cream!!! ha ha ha ha ha ha at least her minge will smell minty ha ha ha ha ha ha ha  and she won't have hairy teeth anymore.


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