Friday, 17 August 2012

Handbag sales slump as Alan Mince reveals kitchen slags.

You know that I never tell you anything about my birding adventures?  Well here's why.  I was thinking of telling you all about my last Spurn visit, which was last week sometime, when I thought that there's nothing really to tell you.  So when you despair at the lack of proper, subject matter related posts, just read what utter shite this weblog would sound like:

Hello.  Todays visit to Spurn was pretty quiet.  I had a short seawatch which produced only 14 Oystercatchers going south.  A look on the estuary produced common waders including Dunlin, Knot and some fantastic Curlew.  Down to chalk bank where 3 Swift went south as did 4 Goldfinch although they could've realistically been local birds just flying around randomly.

There.  What a shower of shit.  Now be thankful when I spew filth all around the world wide web, talk aboot are Cheryl Cole's minge pet, and ramble about football and jeez zandwidjes. 

Fuck off.

Just fuck off.

After shagging Cheryl Cole the other day, I need to share three things with the male population:
1  Her bangers aren't that great, probably implants,
2  Her hair is definitely a wig.  Honestly, I know for definite, it came right off in my hand.
3  The staff in Madam Tussauds are right miserable bastards.

That was a good joke.
Wasn't it?

Football's back.  Hooray!  Yesterday, I thought Robin van Persie was a good player.  I've rated him for a while.  Indeed, I backed him at 10s at the start of last season to be top scorer so you see I really did rate him.  Yet today I find myself thinking he's now just a useless fucking dutch bastard who stinks of stale skunk piss.  He is also a twat, a woman-beater, and he fucks about with kids.  There, I said it.

Brighton at home tomorrow.  The Seagulls.  I wonder how many other teams have bird related nicknames?  The Owls, there's an easy one (Sheff Wed)......erm.....Canaries ( Norwich City).....not bad......actually there's more than I thought....Eagles (Palace)...Bantams (Bradfud)...Harriers (Kiddy)...Magpies....Newcastle.....and maybe Notts that right?  Fuck knows.  Bluebirds, Chardiff?  I suppose Chardiff aren't known as the bluebirds now with them going all red and that.  The bet the Chardiff fans BUMMED a load of sheep the day Chardiff changed their colours because that is clearly what they'd do, either in celebration or in opposition.  And if anyone spots the Vic n Bob Chardiff reference I'll be very surprised.  I bet Jim will actually.  Hull, the whole world!  I've just thought of another, Robins.  Swindon and Charlton (as well as addicks).  The last one I can think of without googling is The Tits (Leeds United).

Suck on that.

Ken Bates is fucking sound. 
I'll even  write a short verse, although I am proper pissed.

As usual.

As no one like Leeds,
And we are united,
At least you're not as bad
as Manchester United.

(did I really just rhyme 'united' with 'united'? v poor indeed)

You call yourself waccoe,
But you are not feared,
everyone loves Ken,
especially his beard.

So what's with the waccoe?
You never won it,
So get over it you bastards
As you've never done it.

Marching on together
Is the most annoying song
But you're 6 easy points
You know I'm not wrong.

When Ken was young
They called him 'master'
and now he's turning it
into a fucking disaster

We all like your beard,
you look like Terry Waite
But I'm more interested
in you being called Master Bates.......

...(up tempo)...

Master Bates Master Bates Master Bates Master Bates,
Master Bates Master Bates Master Bates Master Bates,
Master Bates Master Bates Master Bates Master Bates,
Master Bates Master Bates Master Bates Master Bates,
Master Bates Master Bates Master Bates Master Bates,
Master Bates Master Bates Master Bates Master Bates,
Oh master Bates, we're behind you, never leave them........

I have no idea what I'm talking about.


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