zusammenfassen Fünf. Scheiße, ich habe die verdammten Kinder verloren

Apparently now white people now own more dogs than black people. That’s obviously because it’s illegal to own black people these days.
Stats show nothing, therefore.
Apart from this: Pacific Swift have been recorded only 9 times in Britain.
But I’m guessing so it’s not really a stat is it?

I was sat, pondering, on a Saturday morning, football season yet to start in earnest, pondering what to do with the kids for the day. I had chicken phal for breakfast, I have chicken or lamb phal for either Saturday or Sunday breakfast every week, to the point of eldest daughter, when she receives her breakfast says “You having curry, Dad?”.
“Yeah Roobs”.
“Well it is Saturday/Sunday” she says very blasé.
I was about to start drinking when a text came through: “can you put that washing in, and don’t leave you’re empty cans all over the place”.
She moans. They all fucking moan.
But more in relation to this shite (I mean blog) came “possible Pacific or White Rumped Swift Hornsea Mere, doing a piss over eastern end” from Joel, 42, of Leeds.
Right.
I saw the White  Rumped Swift at Hornsea Here (first for Britain no less) so I presumed, like many others, that Prince Andrew knew a lot fucking more than he let on. In fact, why has it just been forgotten about? It was lucky that The Palace announced Garry and Megan’s malarkey just after, which took a lot of the heat off our Andy. Funny that, eh?

Anyway, like many others,  I actually presumed that it was the White Rump turning up again, but I set off anyway with some (maybe none) cans of cider for the journey. Further updates (definitely in lay-bys) suggested that this Swift was actually, maybe, possibly a Pacific Swift! And all above board legally, as in over eighteen.

By the time I got there it WAS a Pacific Swift and there it was just sort of, like, flying about approximately three miles away and I’d only got bins! Ha. Should’ve gone and got my scope, but if I had I would’ve missed it as after this sighting it was never seen again! Never ever. That was lucky, not great views but lucky.



Hang on a minute, where’s the fucking kids....?




........

Round Up IV a Bit Like Rocky IV but with no Boxing

Around four years ago the information services stated “Black-Winged Pratincole, Durham, 0800 still present showing well”. Off I set. An hour in, checked further information services, no further updates, no bother, carry on. Got to the site only to be told “no sign, it flew south around 815”.
I checked information services to see a message only just posted (11am at this point!) “flew south and no further sign”.
“So I’ve just driven for 2-and-three-quarter-hours and it flew off just as I was setting off and no one reported this small fact?” I shouted to no one in particular. I wasn’t happy. There was a guy walking his dog so I kicked his dog in the leg just to raise a response then CHINNED the bloke as soon as he had the gall to react. So I drove the 2-and-three-quarter-hours back home again.

Fast forward almost a year to the day and the information services stated “Black-Winged Pratincole, Durham, 0800 still present showing well”. Off I set. An hour in, checked further...You get the picture. .Got to the site only to be told “no sign, it flew south around 815”. “NOT AGAAAAAAAIIIIIIN!” I screamed in a sort of action/revenge movie stylee as I sunk to my knees with arms aloft looking to the heavens. I held this note and posture for at least three minutes for effect. Eight dogs were kicked, in the leg, and eight owners were CHINNED including a sweet granny, an eleven year old who can only be described as a boy, and a Dachshund.  Schweinhunds. Schweinhunds means PIG DOGS in German. Which is good.  It happened twice. Fucking twice. On a Sunday as well. Wankers.

June 2019. Black Winged Pratincole, Frampton Marsh, Lincs, showing well. Right then. Merc juiced, bins, scope, check. Off. Arrived. Parked. Walked. Pratincole immediately. Recompense. Durham bastards. Good site. Random words. Roman coin. Card tricks. Deceit. Deceit.
Eyes.

Jimmy the fucking Jew, part of the Sheffield mafia mob, will understand that last bit. The fucking Jew fuck.
So, yes, a Black Winged Pratincole at the site of my first Oriental Pratincole no less, this site now being host to all three species of Pratincole on the British List, a new world record or summat.

Liverpool Man U later today. Probably the biggest game in the world maybe only rivalled by Barca/Real or Hull City/Huddersfield. I hate Man U. Their fans are deluded and taken in by the overtly biased media towards their side. One “fan”, a lad from Hull who has seen almost every game on TV, said to me when we were on the piss “name me a better defender than Maguire or Wan-bassaka, and Martial and Rashford are simply world class”.
“You’re deluded” said your faithful author as I simply walked off to the bar to purchase drinks and look down the bartenders top.  His beard put me off a bit though.
That was a good joke.
I hate L***s as well. Their twitter goes mad if they win. It goes mad if they lose. They’re deluded as well but don’t get me started.

There, a nice balanced football based rant to finish.

Sort of.
Do you know how big this universe thing is? Well, it’s big. Like, big. Nearest star, apart from our own, Alpha Centauri would take how long to reach?  Well, I’ll tell you. At a velocity of 56000km/h (at which speed you’d orbit the Earth nearly twice every hour!) it would take 81,000 years. 81 thousand years. Think about that. Our Lord, Jesus Christ was around two thousand years ago. 81000 years.
Nearest galaxy, Andromeda at same velocity? 94 billion years.
94 billion years.
Ninety. Four. Billion. Winestain. Years.
And that’s the nearest.
Big?
I told you it was big.
And please realise just how much bigger a billion is than, say, a million. A million seconds is about 11days. A billion seconds is around 32 years. That’s how mush bigger a billion is.
Don’t go thinking you never learn anything here at Q@Spurn and it’s all just cock jokes interspersed with the odd bird sighting, oh no. You’re just ungrateful.
And pedants, I realise it’s also known as Alpha Proxima.
And I also know there are minor galaxies betwixt here and Andromeda.
And Hitachi isn’t actually a brand. It means “Land of the Giant television” in Japanese.
Maybe.


.......

Swimming Pool Rules

I’ve just taken the children swimming. The hardest and by far the most strenuous part, without doubt, is putting your socks on afterwards. You know the part where you’re still a bit damp and the floor is soaking? You nearly rip the heel off every sock you’ve ever taken to swimming.
What I did notice whilst the girls were in the deep end unsupervised was that the“pool rules” have changed somewhat over the years since my days as a child swimming.

Swimming Pool Rules 2019

• No Bombing
• No Running
• Respect all others feelings
• Share
• Prayers on the hour every hour.
• No Diving under 1.5m
• No Smoking
• No Vaping
• All genders, races and sexual orientations are equal here and all activities that are traditional to any gender, race or sexual orientation must be observed and adhered to. Any person or persons, or any person that identifies as a non-person must observe such traditions, any person who doesn’t or cannot will be asked to leave but offered a free admission as recompense as we cannot be seen to discriminate even with persons whose views are seen as non conformist.
• No Drinking

Swimming Pool Rules 1979

• No Bombing
• No Running
• Use Ashtrays
• No Glass
• No Dunking
• No Blacks
• Long Life Lager available 
• No Prawn cocktails in the pool
• Please leave the pool when your band colour flashes on the display and makes a disproportionate wailing noise.
• No Male Nudity
• No Shaving
• No shaven clams, good, honest minges only
• No Heavy Petting

Times change...





...........

round up III

Jazz Mags.


.....

Year round up part 2

Next “new bird” for the year was the Black Headed Bunting at Flamborough. Adult Male. Went with children in tow. They nearly got run over several times as we were viewing from the verge of the main road into Flamboyant. Still, I was watching a Black Heeded Bunt not looking after their welfare. The children have seen some good birds as I drag them off on a twitch if Fats is at work, I promise ice cream and tell them it’s only ten minutes away then drive the hour and twenty to Flamboyant, buy zero ice creams then drive the hour and twenty back home with two girls crying and screaming whilst clawing at the car windows as if  trying to escape as I think of only myself when it comes to a lifer. In Yorkshire to boot.

The girls have seen some good birds, erm, Pec Sand, Greenish, Arctic, Yellow Brows, Black H Bunt, Masked Shrike, GG Shrike, I wish I’d taken them along to the Sibe Acc so they could be totally fucking underwhelmed by another great bird. They haven’t seen Dunnock and Linnet though which is amusing.

This BH Bunt was surprising in that some pretty big listers “needed” it. Indeed, I think Nick who covers Long Nab needed it for 500! I may be wrong, I could be right, I could be black I could be White your time has come your second skin.

I haven’t really told you anything about the bird or it’s behaviour: It was in a field, like fucking about on the tops of the crops and was an adult male and there was some like, Linnets fucking about with it, I don’t mean like, fucking about with it I mean like, just fucking about and that. So maybe the kids have seen Linnet after all.
Oh and it was May. Or June. Probably.


Until next time...goodbye.

Was that the end of children’s 70s/80s television programme Rainbow? Geoffrey said it.
Not sure.
Anyway.
No! It was”Until tomorrow....goodbye”.
Or was it? I’m not sure. Not bothered anyway.

Yearly round up part I

“So, where oh where have been this calendar year our dear Q@Spurn?” I hear the two readers other than my mother cry.
I’ll tell you. But I won’t tell you everywhere I’ve been as I can’t remember as I don’t keep a notebook like proper birders are meant to as I a) can’t be bothered, b) think it’s a bit wanky (proper word) and c) I should’ve stopped after “b)” as I don’t have a third reason. What I actually do is make a note in “notes” on my phone of the new birds I’ve had during the year which is actually keeping a digital notebook, so I CAN be bothered after all and maybe all of the above is pointless drivel. This is boring isn’t it? I’m bored so you MUST be.

Cast your minds back to March. Or April. A Baikal Teal has been found in Cambridgeshire. Being a mental twitcher who drops everything and runs out of meetings and weddings at the breaking news of a mega, it was there for seven days before I SHOT OFF to see it. Distantly. Very distantly in fact. Being a duck means you have a hard time to get accepted as wild in this country what with all the escapes and wildfowl collections and so forth. But with this duck showing brilliantly down to a range of c.1.7 miles there was no chance of some miserable bastard photographing it with a ring on thus having no chance of it being proved an escapee it would be accepted. Result! Or is it?!
The Baikal Teal was gone the next day. Smugness fills the air knowing that you’ve seen something on its last day as no one else will then see it as I’m vindictive like that in the cut throat world of twitchering.
I missed the Flamborough bird due to me fitting three doors for a man clearly of Indian descent in Hull. Dissent.
So what does the Baikal Teal then do after I’d driven 800 miles the previous day? It flies directly to Spurn! Directly! The Cunt. Actually it’s not a cunt, a (the) Baikal Teal. At Spurn! In Yorkshire! Best get there. Spurn/Yorkshire ticktastic. I’m really close to 300 for Spurn. But who’s bothered? Youre not. Why the fuck would you be? So what did the crazy Baikal Teal do after this? It turns up in Durham. So I went to Durham as, at this point, I was now fucking obsessed with this Baikal Teal. It then relocated to Northumberland. So I went to Northumberland. It then dropped back down to Cleveland. So I went to Cleveland thus  confirming my status as national record holder by seeing the same bird in five different counties. It then did the honest thing and left the country. I miss that Baikal Teal, we struck quite a bond, at one point I’m sure it even recognised me.
The last three trips to various counties may or may not be true but as Twilf says “don’t let the truth get in the way of a good yarn”.
Fine advice indeed.



Fin


..........

Cheese Facts

Why oh why has this shower of shit been resurrected I hear you cry?  I’ll tell you, I don’t honestly know.
In the meantime, here are some cheese facts for your delectation.

1. Contrary to popular belief, Tom and Jerry, and the 70s board game Mousetrap, Mice don’t actually like cheese. Why the myth is popular however is a mystery, it’s probably something to do with Chinese whispers.
2. Whole Cheeses are removed from the third stomach of a cow. Horses do produce even better cheeses than cows but the animal is killed in the process so we just don’t bother. We just don’t  bother.

Mmmmmuuuuuuurrrrr.  Said Ermintrude.

3. Cheese does not exist in India experts believe. This is probably due to horses and cows being sacred and that with eight arms and that.
 4. The first cheese was discovered 4000 years ago. By mistake! Some halfwit left milk lying around for like, ages and something happened to it and cheese was born.
5. Kids lunchbox item Cheese Strings aren’t made of cheese at all, they’re made of couloured-in plastic.
6. The first cheesemaid had a RIGHT hairy cunt.

Definitely. Said Florence. 

7. Stilton is named after where they make it and that is proper queens english that is. Stilton is a town on the original A1 and highwaymen used to visit and eat cheese. Maybe.
8. Saying “cheese” to a photographer was meant to give you an automatic smile, but some people look quite glum when they say the word cheese in everyday life.
9. Cheddar is named after Cheddar Gorge but Cheddar Gorge was named after someone who gorged on cheddar so experts don’t quite know which came first.
10. Cheese crisps are thought to have originated in the development rooms of crisp manufacturers like Walkers and Nik naks. Nik Naks also used to produce a flavour called Scampi and Lemon which isn’t actually a cheese. And if the pedants out there think Nik Naks don’t do cheese crisps well they used to. Alright?
11. Adolf Hitlers favourite cheese is, or was, Wensleydale like the characters Wallace and Grommit, but Hitler wasn’t a lovable animated character oh no, he was a lovable dictator who used to get real mad about all sorts of things.
12. Cheese is illegal to take through customs. I found out first hand once when I attempted to take some “cheese” through customs from Amsterdam. I was arrested and convicted charged with drug smuggling as this piece of cheese was 80% pure
Colombian rock. So maybe cheese can be taken through customs as this anecdote didn’t concern cheese. Maybe ignore this cheese fact.

Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh. Said Dylan. 

13.  The boxer Frank Bruno once said “Yeah I like cheese, I’m not sure what my favourite is but I like the yellowy one and the other one but you don’t get anything for a pair, not in this game Harold” as he always had a catchphrase.  So we’re none the wiser as to which cheese Big Frank liked but he obviously liked at least two types.

14. Burt Reynolds once put a full Edam on his head at a Hollywood party. It stayed there for an amazing seventeen days which, as for as we know, is the longest time an actor with a moustache has “worn” a full Edam although Magnum PI reckons he matured a nice cheddar in his moustache for 3-6 weeks. Norris McWhirter thought that the estimate “3-6 weeks” was far too random for this to be accepted as an official world record so the record stood with Burt Reynolds’ 17 days which stands to this day. The record for an actor without a moustache is 24 years and 4 months held by Benny off Crossroads. We are not sure why these two records are so different but it’s probably down to Benny off Crossroads being a simpleton.



15.  Freddie Mercury’s favourite cheese was, oh god I can’t believe I’m going there, a very specialist concoction, one that had to be harvested fresh from young milked males,  the problem was once milked it soon went stringy but had good salty tastes. Oh god. What am I doing? Freddie said in his own words that he likes double Gloucester but I’m sure that’s some sort of sick double entendre.

16. Reggiano Parmegiano is an Italian hard cheese. I like it personally but Rocky Balboa  prefers no cheese, that’s NO CHEESE on his pasta, the mad bastard. His wife, Adrian was unable for comment.