Nope

Dear Q@Spurn

How come you can buy vegetarian “meat”? Like Quorn and that? Vegetarians are actually vegetarians because they don’t like meat. So why would they buy vegetarian meat? They  don’t like real meat never mind really rubbish fake  meat that doesn’t have any meat in it. 

Honestly….

Jennifer Spondoolics 

Canterbury 

Dear Q@Spurn

Mrs Spondoolics (above letter) has a point. The fake meat is obviously made from vegetable-based shit, so why not just put vegetable-based shit in your nut roast instead of trying to make it taste and feel like something you don’t like? Like dead pigs and stuff? 

Air Chief Marshall Sir Roger Willington

Carlisle

Dear Q@Spurn

Us vegetarians get unfairly stereotyped amongst the proletariat, with the general idea that we only eat nut roast and we all have blue hair. Only the other day I cooked a nut roast made out of mushrooms and carrots and that so it was totally different from your average nut roast. I have got blue hair though to be fair. 

Yours,

They/Them Tarquin de Pop (Mrs)

Stonehenge

Dear Q@Spurn

Them de Pop (above) doesnt know what she/he/they/them is/are talking about. A nut roast with mushrooms is a MUSHROOM Nut Roast and delicious they are too every single day. 

There’s nothing else to eat.

Fred Boobs

Acton 

Dear Q@Spurn

So vegetarians don’t like meat but they buy the closest thing they can to meat even though they don’t like it? It’s like lesbians, thinking about it. They don’t like cocks, but they buy fake cocks and the ugly one straps it on etc. It’s very similar isn’t it? If you don’t like cocks, why feel the need to get fake cocks involved in your shenanigans?

JJ Faul

Kenya

Dear Q@Spurn

And cocks are known as “meat” in some scenarios, usually in the letters page in Razzle or other such rhythm pamphlets. It seems to me that people who don’t like “meat”, whether literally or metaphorically, find the nearest thing they can to the thing they don’t actually like?! The mind boggles.

Sophie

Hull

Dear Q@Spurn

Lesbians have blue hair as well. Quite often anyway.

There’s some sort of pattern emerging here. 

Sonia Cock

Bradford 

Dear Q@Spurn

The manufacturers of fake meat products try their fucking hardest to make vegetable sludge actually taste like meat. I find this odd and I go out snurging so coming from me it must be odd.

Phillip Samples

Durham 

Dear Q@Spurn

In regards to Mr Fauls letter above, it is pretty coincidental that both vegetarians and lesbians don’t like “meat” but they then choose to CHEW ON (hilarious!) fake “meat”. If you’re against cocks, don’t go and buy a cock, and if you’re against meat, don’t go buy the closest thing to meat that you can. 

That was sort of a recap.

Cheers

Fred Astaire

Great Hatfield

Dear Q@Spurn

Now that the tone has been lowered as usual, do vegetarian straight women swallow their partners pineapple chunk? Surely they don’t swallow as it would be against everything they stand for? 

The mind boggles 

Shirley Templer

Cornwall

Dear Q@Spurn

I wouldn’t even try to finger a vegetarian or a lesbian as they’re clearly not up for it. 

Cheers

Andy Bell

Peace In Our Hearts. 

Dear Q@Spurn

What about vegan dominatrix? What do they do? They can’t wear leather can they like? The world has gone mad 

Vince Clark

Peace in Our Hearts

Dear Q@Spurn

Only last year  I suddenly realised just how many washing-up liquids are named after supernatural beings. Like Fairy Liquid and so forth. It’s amazing.

Ken De Mange

Hull

Dear Q@Spurn

I fail to recognise the link with washing-up liquids and supernatural beings that Mr De Mange has pointed out as I can only think of one. Unless “Asda Lemon” is a forest-dwelling sprite that I’ve not heard of.

Before.

Wayne Jacobs

Left Back

Dear Q@Spurn

Do washing powders count in the latest contrived “discussion” amongst former 1980s  Hull Ciry footballers? If they do, what about Persil? Is that a mythical creature of amy kind?

Yours so certainly 

Mr R. Jobson. 

Cottingham 

Dear Q@Spurn

Why oh why hasn’t someone made a detergent of any kind called “Willo the Wisp” as it would certainly add weight to Mr De Mange’s outlook that all detergents are named after woodland spiritual creatures? 

Regards

David Mail

Stoke

Dear Q@Spurn

Are lesbians offended by the washing-up liquid known as Fairy? If they are it’s just another thing that offends them and if they’re not they’ve probably just not noticed it. 

Yet.

Mrs K Chihuahua

Stockport

Dear Q@Spurn

Why not just post this without proof-reading it or waiting until you’re sober just to give an insight into your psyche for the people that make sure you’re okay to monitor? 

Yours etc

Tony Knowles

Bolton 

….

Interview with Some of the A-Team

On the back of today’s devastating news that the A-Tean have officially split up, we sent Gary (our chief correspondent) to speak to the legends that are BA Baracus and Murdoch former members of the A-Team. Quide liderally (sic) (five whole pounds to anyone who knows that ambiguous reference) overnight, if you’ve got a problem where no one else can help, you can now find them A LOT easier than before. You just can’t hire them anymore as they’ve split up. Gary met them in the cafe on the A16  just outside of Peterborough where they've always hidden, obviously very successfully, between jobs. 

Gary: It’s a pleasure to meet you both, BA Baracus and Murdoch from the A-Team.! A huge welcome to Q@Spurn.

Murdoch: Cheers Gary.

Ba Baracus: I ain’t getting on no plane, Gary.

Gary: No problem at all, no one mentioned a plane, BA. Now, it’s seems like a decent cafe here on the A16, just outside of…………wait for it………Peterborough? 

BA: YEAH. 

Gary: Have you always been in here between jobs? 

BA: YEAH. 

Gary: All of you?

BA: YEAH. 

Gary: How come you were so hard to find for all those years even if people had a problem and no one could help and they wanted to hire you but they couldn’t find you? 

BA: We weren’t hard to find, fool. We just had our hands tied with health and safety an’ all that red tape, y know what I’m saying fool? They had to submit plans agreed with the council where we’d potentially modify the van sucka. Used to do it in a montage sequence Like a training montage in boxing movies fool. 

Gary: Like punching meat in a butchers like in Rocky IV? 

Mr T: YEAH. 

Gary: What was Rocky Balboa like in real life?

Mr T: A bit of a fool. I pity the fool. He ain’t got  no jewellery worth talking about that motha licker. Maybe apart from that 18-carat St Christopher he got from his Grandma in Grantham. 

Gary: Whose jewellery do you most respect in the tough guy movie scene? 

BA: Clint Eastwood didn’t wear nuttin’ in Every Which Way but Loose but that’s upto him. Ice Cube wore some mighty fine chunky tin in New Jack City though. That’s right, sucka. Take it from me, Mr T, grrrrrr…. . 

Gary; You was known as “Mr T” back then, was the “T” short for anything, your surname perhaps? 

BA: Yeah, it’s Thompson.

Gary : And you was always known as just “Mr” but have you got a first name there? 

BA: Yeah, it’s Alan. Alan Thompson.

Gary: It’s a solid name, Alan. 

Mr T; Quit your jibber jabber, Gary. 

Gary: Eh?

Mr T: Errr….Nowt….

Gary: Did you grow up around the southern Lincs/Cambridgeshire Fens area? 

Alan T: Yeah, I’m from Pinchbeck. There’s a good butchers there that does proper Chine. Oooooh freshly baked bread cakes with best butter and chine, if you ain’t tried it sucka then you might see me get mean. And you don’t wanna see me get mean sucka. I pity the fool that disses my jewellery or Lincolnshire chine sucka. 

Gary: I’ll have to give it a try Alan….

BA Baracus: Quit your jibber jabber, Gary. I’ve got a question for you now. What does George Peppard look like Fool? 

Gary: What? 

Mr T: What does George Peppard look like Sucka? 

Gary: What?

BA Big Knackers: What country you from, fool? 

Gary: What? 

BA: What ain’t  no country I ever heard of. They speak English in What? 

Gary: What? 

BA: English, fool, do you speak it?

Gary: Yes.

BA Baracus: Then you know what I’m saying. Describe what George Peppard looks like, fool. 

Gary: What?

BA Say what again, say what again! I dare you, I double-dare you motha lickin fool, say what one more god damn time and don’t mention no plane motha licker. Describes what George Peppard looks like?

Gary: He’s White.

BA: Go on.

Gary: He’s sort of receding.

BA: Go on, 

Gary: He’s got, like, white hair… Cigar…..

BA: Does he look like a bitch, Fool?

Gary: What?

BA: Does he look like a bitch?

Gary: No. He really doesn’t. He’s got a cigar and that and looks like a bloke. Here, drink this milk, it'll calm you down. 

BA: Ah, cheers Gary. 

Gary: Is there any truth about the Southport incident when you were incarcerated for the night? 

BA: They left me alone in a small cell with only a really old pick up truck that hadn’t worked in years. They’d left other stuff, the belt off a washing machine, a few hand tools, some long lengths of bamboo, a flame-thrower, a load of Lego, and a rivet gun, the crazy fools. 

Gary: I can only imagine what happened. Finally, we come to you, Murdoch, thanks for your patience. Is Face coming in today?

Murdoch: I’m not sure….

Racoons

 Certain species do well, some don’t. Some species decline, some increase and spread. Natural selection, sometimes just opportunism, often food and habitat abundance, also benefits, play a part in a species often dramatic increase in population expansion. Red Kites have increased enormously. Buzzards also. Rats, mice and sone species of deer are thriving, in some part due to deliberate or accidental help from man. Another fast breeding species that is having a massive population expansion is the Racoon.

Racoons seek out new areas that offers the biggest benefits. The population expansion isn’t down to natural selection in this  case, Racoons being less intelligent than most species, it is pure opportunism and the fact that within the new places they go to, the resident species offer very little resistance to the newly arrived settlers, often resulting in the new arrivals taking their habitat.

Racoons, like most species, are only interested in their own well being and do not respect the resident inhabitants, often being aggressive and ignorant to other species. 

Racoons are a lazy species, with indigenous species often seen cultivating habitat, foraging for food, and improving shelter, only for the opportunistic Racoons to take the benefits. 

Racoons quickly outnumber the native species due to rapid breeding and the fact they have much bigger broods, generally, than the native species. 

Racoons are quite smelly creatures and often try to mate with the young of resident species. 

Some of the less educated believe that the rapid expanse of the Racoon is acceptable, even to the detriment and, ultimately, possible extinction of the native species. For example, the Grey Squirrel all but irradiated the native Red Squirrel in England due to their aggressive behaviour toward the native species, resulting in a physical lack of habitat to shelter both, so the more aggressive and faster breeding  Grey Squirrel took over.

….

Mouse Facts

 Following on from our “popular” series of fun facts, the team here at Q@Spurn present “mouse facts”. Fun facts about mouses. Mice.  

1 The heaviest mouse ever recorded weighed a very disappointing eighteen grams.  I could have made up  anything! Like six stone… A very disappointing figure for childish, made-up fun facts certainly. 

2 Mice have no concept of the Periodic Table. I saw one yesterday and wanted to ask it the chemical symbol for Gold. But it just shot off under the kitchen cupboards and left several deposits on the floor. 

3. The most famous mouse is Mickey Mouse. Although Mickey isn’t a real mouse, oh no sir. He’s actually a cartoon thing.  He’s maybe the most famous animated mouse. Jerry, out of Tom ‘n’ Jerry is probably second.  Danger Mouse has contacted us for clarification. Via solicitors. 

4. Jerry, co star of Tom ‘n’ Jerry, could eat a full gammon, like a sort of leg with a bone sticking out of it in one bite leaving him holding just the bone devoid of meat.  He did this every time he managed to get to the fridge.

5. The fridge in Tom ‘n’ Jerry was always rammed full of food and drink. Now the strange thing is, is that nothing had been touched?! There was always a FULL, untouched Chocolate Cake, cherries on top and everything. Full Gammons, untouched.  The big black mamma who shouts “THOMAAAAAS” likes a full fridge. Wrinkly tights though, or socks, or whatever she had on. 

6. She was a big lass though. Surely a bit stereotyped? Wouldn’t get away with it now. 

7. Nora Batty was a right slag. There. I said it*.  She wouldn’t let Compo shag her though, thinking about it. Maybe a bit of a slag then. 

8 * Why has everyone started using my catchphrase “There. I said it”? Even Johnny Vaughan now uses it regularly on his Radio X teatime show. Only recently as well. I don’t know if I’m pleased or angered. There, I said it. 

9 The heaviest mouse ever recorded weighed in at a whopping 18 tons. That’s fucking more like it. 

10  Mice only come into houses for shelter, warmth, potential food, and drink. They don’t see a house as someone’s house but just a part of its environment. To the mouse it’s exactly the same as a ditch or a small copse, but it offers different things that it needs as part of its survival. (That got deep)

11 They say that if you see one mouse there’s ten of them. My eyesight is bad but I’d notice if there were ten of them and not just one. These so-called experts are signing blank cheques if you ask me. 

12 “Four and twenty Blackbirds baked in a pie” sang mental  people a while ago. We’ve calculated, based on a mouse being about a quarter of the size of a Blackbird, that it might take around ninety to a hundred mices to fill the same pie. 

13  Pies used to be half savoury/half sweet. Like main course and dessert. Fucking did. With a big crust for miners to hold whilst eating it. Oh, that was Cornish Pasties actually. Forget that mouse fact. 

14) 80s sexual snooker player, Tony Knowles certainly liked a good pie…..FINGER PIE!!!!!!!! YYYYEEEESSSSS!!! Ha ha ha ha ha. “Hilarious”.

15) The fastest Mexican mouse ever was obviously Speedy Gonzalez. I refuse to do any carpet-based joke though, which is unlike me. I mean my team. 

16) Mouses are allergic to seafood. 

…..