Interview with Some of the A-Team

On the back of today’s devastating news that the A-Tean have officially split up, we sent Gary (our chief correspondent) to speak to the legends that are BA Baracus and Murdoch former members of the A-Team. Quide liderally (sic) (five whole pounds to anyone who knows that ambiguous reference) overnight, if you’ve got a problem where no one else can help, you can now find them A LOT easier than before. You just can’t hire them anymore as they’ve split up. Gary met them in the cafe on the A16  just outside of Peterborough where they've always hidden, obviously very successfully, between jobs. 

Gary: It’s a pleasure to meet you both, BA Baracus and Murdoch from the A-Team.! A huge welcome to Q@Spurn.

Murdoch: Cheers Gary.

Ba Baracus: I ain’t getting on no plane, Gary.

Gary: No problem at all, no one mentioned a plane, BA. Now, it’s seems like a decent cafe here on the A16, just outside of…………wait for it………Peterborough? 

BA: YEAH. 

Gary: Have you always been in here between jobs? 

BA: YEAH. 

Gary: All of you?

BA: YEAH. 

Gary: How come you were so hard to find for all those years even if people had a problem and no one could help and they wanted to hire you but they couldn’t find you? 

BA: We weren’t hard to find, fool. We just had our hands tied with health and safety an’ all that red tape, y know what I’m saying fool? They had to submit plans agreed with the council where we’d potentially modify the van sucka. Used to do it in a montage sequence Like a training montage in boxing movies fool. 

Gary: Like punching meat in a butchers like in Rocky IV? 

Mr T: YEAH. 

Gary: What was Rocky Balboa like in real life?

Mr T: A bit of a fool. I pity the fool. He ain’t got  no jewellery worth talking about that motha licker. Maybe apart from that 18-carat St Christopher he got from his Grandma in Grantham. 

Gary: Whose jewellery do you most respect in the tough guy movie scene? 

BA: Clint Eastwood didn’t wear nuttin’ in Every Which Way but Loose but that’s upto him. Ice Cube wore some mighty fine chunky tin in New Jack City though. That’s right, sucka. Take it from me, Mr T, grrrrrr…. . 

Gary; You was known as “Mr T” back then, was the “T” short for anything, your surname perhaps? 

BA: Yeah, it’s Thompson.

Gary : And you was always known as just “Mr” but have you got a first name there? 

BA: Yeah, it’s Alan. Alan Thompson.

Gary: It’s a solid name, Alan. 

Mr T; Quit your jibber jabber, Gary. 

Gary: Eh?

Mr T: Errr….Nowt….

Gary: Did you grow up around the southern Lincs/Cambridgeshire Fens area? 

Alan T: Yeah, I’m from Pinchbeck. There’s a good butchers there that does proper Chine. Oooooh freshly baked bread cakes with best butter and chine, if you ain’t tried it sucka then you might see me get mean. And you don’t wanna see me get mean sucka. I pity the fool that disses my jewellery or Lincolnshire chine sucka. 

Gary: I’ll have to give it a try Alan….

BA Baracus: Quit your jibber jabber, Gary. I’ve got a question for you now. What does George Peppard look like Fool? 

Gary: What? 

Mr T: What does George Peppard look like Sucka? 

Gary: What?

BA Big Knackers: What country you from, fool? 

Gary: What? 

BA: What ain’t  no country I ever heard of. They speak English in What? 

Gary: What? 

BA: English, fool, do you speak it?

Gary: Yes.

BA Baracus: Then you know what I’m saying. Describe what George Peppard looks like, fool. 

Gary: What?

BA Say what again, say what again! I dare you, I double-dare you motha lickin fool, say what one more god damn time and don’t mention no plane motha licker. Describes what George Peppard looks like?

Gary: He’s White.

BA: Go on.

Gary: He’s sort of receding.

BA: Go on, 

Gary: He’s got, like, white hair… Cigar…..

BA: Does he look like a bitch, Fool?

Gary: What?

BA: Does he look like a bitch?

Gary: No. He really doesn’t. He’s got a cigar and that and looks like a bloke. Here, drink this milk, it'll calm you down. 

BA: Ah, cheers Gary. 

Gary: Is there any truth about the Southport incident when you were incarcerated for the night? 

BA: They left me alone in a small cell with only a really old pick up truck that hadn’t worked in years. They’d left other stuff, the belt off a washing machine, a few hand tools, some long lengths of bamboo, a flame-thrower, a load of Lego, and a rivet gun, the crazy fools. 

Gary: I can only imagine what happened. Finally, we come to you, Murdoch, thanks for your patience. Is Face coming in today?

Murdoch: I’m not sure….

Racoons

 Certain species do well, some don’t. Some species decline, some increase and spread. Natural selection, sometimes just opportunism, often food and habitat abundance, also benefits, play a part in a species often dramatic increase in population expansion. Red Kites have increased enormously. Buzzards also. Rats, mice and sone species of deer are thriving, in some part due to deliberate or accidental help from man. Another fast breeding species that is having a massive population expansion is the Racoon.

Racoons seek out new areas that offers the biggest benefits. The population expansion isn’t down to natural selection in this  case, Racoons being less intelligent than most species, it is pure opportunism and the fact that within the new places they go to, the resident species offer very little resistance to the newly arrived settlers, often resulting in the new arrivals taking their habitat.

Racoons, like most species, are only interested in their own well being and do not respect the resident inhabitants, often being aggressive and ignorant to other species. 

Racoons are a lazy species, with indigenous species often seen cultivating habitat, foraging for food, and improving shelter, only for the opportunistic Racoons to take the benefits. 

Racoons quickly outnumber the native species due to rapid breeding and the fact they have much bigger broods, generally, than the native species. 

Racoons are quite smelly creatures and often try to mate with the young of resident species. 

Some of the less educated believe that the rapid expanse of the Racoon is acceptable, even to the detriment and, ultimately, possible extinction of the native species. For example, the Grey Squirrel all but irradiated the native Red Squirrel in England due to their aggressive behaviour toward the native species, resulting in a physical lack of habitat to shelter both, so the more aggressive and faster breeding  Grey Squirrel took over.

….

Mouse Facts

 Following on from our “popular” series of fun facts, the team here at Q@Spurn present “mouse facts”. Fun facts about mouses. Mice.  

1 The heaviest mouse ever recorded weighed a very disappointing eighteen grams.  I could have made up  anything! Like six stone… A very disappointing figure for childish, made-up fun facts certainly. 

2 Mice have no concept of the Periodic Table. I saw one yesterday and wanted to ask it the chemical symbol for Gold. But it just shot off under the kitchen cupboards and left several deposits on the floor. 

3. The most famous mouse is Mickey Mouse. Although Mickey isn’t a real mouse, oh no sir. He’s actually a cartoon thing.  He’s maybe the most famous animated mouse. Jerry, out of Tom ‘n’ Jerry is probably second.  Danger Mouse has contacted us for clarification. Via solicitors. 

4. Jerry, co star of Tom ‘n’ Jerry, could eat a full gammon, like a sort of leg with a bone sticking out of it in one bite leaving him holding just the bone devoid of meat.  He did this every time he managed to get to the fridge.

5. The fridge in Tom ‘n’ Jerry was always rammed full of food and drink. Now the strange thing is, is that nothing had been touched?! There was always a FULL, untouched Chocolate Cake, cherries on top and everything. Full Gammons, untouched.  The big black mamma who shouts “THOMAAAAAS” likes a full fridge. Wrinkly tights though, or socks, or whatever she had on. 

6. She was a big lass though. Surely a bit stereotyped? Wouldn’t get away with it now. 

7. Nora Batty was a right slag. There. I said it*.  She wouldn’t let Compo shag her though, thinking about it. Maybe a bit of a slag then. 

8 * Why has everyone started using my catchphrase “There. I said it”? Even Johnny Vaughan now uses it regularly on his Radio X teatime show. Only recently as well. I don’t know if I’m pleased or angered. There, I said it. 

9 The heaviest mouse ever recorded weighed in at a whopping 18 tons. That’s fucking more like it. 

10  Mice only come into houses for shelter, warmth, potential food, and drink. They don’t see a house as someone’s house but just a part of its environment. To the mouse it’s exactly the same as a ditch or a small copse, but it offers different things that it needs as part of its survival. (That got deep)

11 They say that if you see one mouse there’s ten of them. My eyesight is bad but I’d notice if there were ten of them and not just one. These so-called experts are signing blank cheques if you ask me. 

12 “Four and twenty Blackbirds baked in a pie” sang mental  people a while ago. We’ve calculated, based on a mouse being about a quarter of the size of a Blackbird, that it might take around ninety to a hundred mices to fill the same pie. 

13  Pies used to be half savoury/half sweet. Like main course and dessert. Fucking did. With a big crust for miners to hold whilst eating it. Oh, that was Cornish Pasties actually. Forget that mouse fact. 

14) 80s sexual snooker player, Tony Knowles certainly liked a good pie…..FINGER PIE!!!!!!!! YYYYEEEESSSSS!!! Ha ha ha ha ha. “Hilarious”.

15) The fastest Mexican mouse ever was obviously Speedy Gonzalez. I refuse to do any carpet-based joke though, which is unlike me. I mean my team. 

16) Mouses are allergic to seafood. 

….. 

Insight into insanity.

Dear Q@Spurn

Everything seems to cost more these days. Have you seen the price of Corned Beef for instance? Not that I’d buy it as Dave and I don’t really like it, so the price can go up as much as it wants. Innit. 

V Beckham

Miami 

Dear Q@Spurn

Can any of your readers help me? I’ve crashed into a ditch, pissed up, so I need winching out without any cunt knowing and drawing attention to the incident. 

Cheers. 

M Keynes

Beds

Dear Q@Spurn

In answer to Mr M Keynes (above), if you have a small crane nearby you could possibly attach the chains to one side of the vehicle in order to pull it out. If you haven’t got a small crane nearby, I’m struggling to help you any further to be honest. 

P Vale

West Midlands.

Dear Q@Spurn

Most people think I’m famous for Die Hard, Die Hard 2, and Moonlighting, but what most people don’t know is I’m actually more famous for being the actual “Bruce” that Jeff Lynnes Electric Light Organisation sang about on their hit record “Don’t Bring me Down”. 

Regards

B Willis

Shropshire

Dear Q@Spurn

The stuffing in mainstream “Carvery” pubs is, frankly, not very good. Have any other readers noticed this? Also, whilst I’m finally being published after years of trying, I only own two pairs of shoes, one brown, one black. But these aren’t interchangeable, I wear the brown ones together. 

Then the black ones together. 

But what about the stuffing? That was my main point but now you’re more concerned about me mixing my shoes up. 

Which wasn’t my point.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Johnny “Tits” Blanchard.

Kent

Dear Q@Spurn

I’m in Bedfordshire at the minute, but I live in Bucks. Could Mr M Keynes be more specific as to where he’s crashed his car? Bedfordshire is quite big. Not that big, But when you’re frantically searching for an imaginary accident it helps to narrow it down a bit like. 

Reg Dwight

Bucks

 Dear Q@Spurn

Honestly. I’ve just read a draft that was saved, I really don’t remember when. So I read it and thought what shite do I write, but then I thought I’ll post it anyway to show all THREE of you what really goes on in my tiny mind. 

But now I’ve read it again, I might add some more made up questions and post it as a proper post. 

Dear Q@Spurn

Somewhere in the distance, hidden out of view, suspended in the atmosphere. 

It’s a mystery.

T Wilcox

Pissflaps

Dear Q@Spurn

In answer to Mr B Williss post regarding being more famous for something else other than what the proletariat believe you to be famous for, I can’t beat that to be honest. 

E Murphy.

L.A. 

Dear Q@Spurn

I was the voice to Buck Roger’s Bidi bidi bidi character, but I’m more famous as a raving nutcase now. 

Alan.

Stoke. 

Dear Q@Spurn

Have any other readers plants and flowers in their garden? I know I have! What on earth do I do with them? I don’t really like them, nor did I plant them. 

Brenda, 47

Address withheld 

Dear Q@Spurn

Although I’m a famous actor, I’m actually more famous for being the actual Ray that some band sang about being Seriously worried About Ray. 

R Reardon

Sisssssledon.

Dear Q@Spurn

I think you’ve got the last post mixed up with this one. Mr R Reardon was a snooker player, not an actor.

R Winston. 

Dear Q@Spurn

I’m glad Mr M Keynes was winched out the ditch in the end. But, bloody hell, it was bit of a racket. Couldn’t hear myself think.

Sarah Monstrosity

Beds.

Letters

I receive literally ZERO letters about my “fascinating” blog. Here are a few letters I’ve not received this week…

Dear Q@Spurn

I’ve been reading this shit for almost six minutes. And I’m not enamoured by it at all. When will I be able to search for bird-related blogs that offer insights into bird-related content?

Mary J Blighted 

Horncastle

Dear Q@Spurn

Whilst shopping the other day I picked up a magazine that offered soft pornography. I don’t even like soft pornography. In fact, no one likes soft pornography. People who are against any sort of pornography are against it, they simply don’t like it, yet people who DO like pornography want much more from their chosen evening reading, involving penises and the like.  Why not ban soft pornography as it merely a compromise between proper pornography and no pornography?

Regards

Esther Ransen.

Harrogate

Dear Q@Spurn

Only the other day, I booked onto an 18-30s holiday. Little do they know I’m thirty right now, but here’s the hilarious bit, I turn thirty-one whilst I’m there! 

I’m a bit worried I may be left out of the activities once I no longer fit into the designated age range as detailed in their T&Cs (Section 8c). As usual, it’s one rule for people who are eligible and one rule for people who are but then won’t be. 

Elton John

Bucks

Dear Q@Spurn

I object in the strongest possible way to the lack of Rice Krispies in my local shop. I went there only four days ago and there was some on the shelf. I didn’t need Rice Krispies at the time. When will shopkeepers actually cater for the customers needs and not concentrate on stupid things like stock rotation and supply and demand? 

Shaun Tits

Hereford. 

Dear Q@Spurn

Whilst drunk on the A15 an extraordinary thing happened.

Kev 

Birmingham

Dear Q@Sourn

I have to say, I don’t really like coons.

Kind Regards

A Hitler 

Stalingrad

Dear Q@Spurn

Every year it seems Christmas items are on sale earlier and earlier due to marketing ploys and media indoctrination. Only the other day I saw Birthday cards on sale and my birthday isn’t until February. 

Kerry Splinter

Basingstoke

Dear Q@Spurn

All day breakfasts? I’d finished mine at 09:30. As usual it’s one rule for people who eat breakfast all day and one for people who don’t. 

Eat breakfast all day that is. 

Colin Occupantsofinterplanetarycrafts

Southampton

Dear Q@Spurn

Tired of going to work? Don’t go on the piss as much as you want to? Simply don’t go to work and go on the piss. Two birds, one stone. 

I think. 

These so called boffins simply are not boffins. 

Maureen Stainpiper

York

Dear Q@Spurn

Have you ever noticed that 80s snooker players are much sexier and sexual than the earlier or later players? Snooker players need to up their game in the sexual stakes. And earlier players that might be dead now should’ve been sexier. 

Sooner.

Does that make sense? 

T Knowles

Bolton

Dear Q@Spurn

Why is it that every self-respecting post that you, erm, post ends up involving sexual 80s snooker player Tony Knowles? There’s other sexual 80s snooker players you know.

Tony Meo

Brighton

Dear Q@Spurn

How come you don’t see jazz mags hid under hedges any more? As usual it’s one rule for people who like jazz mags and another for people who don’t hide them under hedges anymore. 

Auntie Pauline

Chipping Norton

Dear Q@Spurn

In relation to the above letter, I have ask why certain people found the need to hide their jazz mags beneath hedges? Surely there’s lots of places to hide them in the safety of your own home even if you have a wife or partner? 

The whole thing isn’t really an issue now to be honest. 

Shaun Tits

Bath

Dear Q@Spurn

I once stood next to supposed ladies man, Tony Knowles, at a urinal. It wasn’t that big because I stared right at it. 

It was quite a lot bigger than mine though.

It’s just typical if you ask me. 

D Reynolds

Grimsby

Dear Q@Spurn

As an “avid” reader, it is obvious that you are writing these so-called “letters” yourself (plus your team)  In which case, I (you) can simply write whatever I (you) want to!  You handsome, sexy, bastard. 

Sam Fox

Boobsington

Dear Q@Spurn

My cock’s not bad at all I’ll have you know.Its not the biggest, but it’s certainly above average.

Don’t listen to Mr Reynolds in previous letters.

Ive not seen his manhood in person, so I simply cannot retort. 

T Knowles

Bolton

Dear Q@Spurn

Not a-all of the a-80s a-snooker a-players were a-sexy.

A-luckily for a-me, I was a-sexy a-senior.

A Drago

Malta

Dear Q@Spurn

During the epic 1985 World Snooker Final that I won on the deciding black, Steve Davis produced his willy just before he missed the black. It was just a tactic to put me off. Steve would use anything he could as he was a great competitor. He had it out all game once, in the Lada Classic and no one noticed. It didn’t put me off as it wasn’t that big. 

D Taylor

Noyen Irren.

Dear Q@Spurn

Non-stick frying pan? How come the egg stays in the same place in the pan when you’re cooking it then? Until you move it? 

As usual it’s one rule for non-stick frying pan manufacturers and one rule for the the people that use them.

J Oliver

Bingley

Dear Q@Spurn

In response to J Oliver’s letter (above) I totally agree with you. I myself have cooked eggs in a pan and they only move when I move them. Apart from heat convection and Brownian Motion (if you add water). 

Cheers

Sting

Bali

Dear Q@Spurn

Willie Thorne had the biggest cock out of any 80s snooker players. He just laughed when Blake’s Seven was on. 

“Willies eight-and-a-half more like” he used to chuckle.  

N Foulds

Dewsbiry

Dear Q@Spurn

I’m always unsure as to what actual size “party-sized” things should be.  The reference “party” advertises them as over-the-top, massive fun times, but in my experience they’re usually a lot smaller than the usual confectionery. 

As usual, it’s one rule for confectionery advertisers and another for people who buy them and are disappointed. 

Jan Dildo

Sunderland

Dear Q@Spurn

I’d put Peter Ebdon up there, but he wasn’t 80s, thinking about it. 

From the 80s, Terry Griffiths was underestimated. Not that long but good girth to be honest. 

K Stevens

Toronto

Dear Q@Spurn

I’ve seen Tony Knowles pot a red with his cock. 

Using the rest!

Beat that.

T Knowles

Bolton

Dear Q@Spurn

All this talk about sexual 80s snooker players and their penises is frankly childish and  bringing the game down. 

But, to be clear, the following is fact. 

Cocks (on the slack)

1 Willie Thorne

2 Doug Mountjoy

3 Tony Knowles

4 Mike Hallet 

5 Len Ganly

End of.

Fact.

Yours etc

C Thorburn

Toronto

Dear Q@Spurn

With regards to Mr T Knowles of Bolton’s claim to have potted a red with his cock (with the rest!) I have to say it wasn’t quite as easy as that. He had to serve it a little around the blue this making him cock down on the white which is even more impressive.

Kind Regards

Joe Johnson

Bradford

Dear Q@Spurn

I once asked Len Ganly (dark horse) for an extension whilst using the rest but in no way could I have reached that with my penis. 

With or without an extension. 

As usual it’s one rule for sexual 80s snooker players that have the ability (length) to do such a thing and one rule for everyone else. 

And surely it’s a foul? 

Four away. 

W. Werbernuick

Toronto

Dear Q@Spurn

In answer to Mr Werbernuick’s question, the “Player” has to make contact with the cue ball with his “tip”. Anything else is a foul. 

Four away. 

Although the word “tip” is a little open to interpretation, hence Mr T Knowles actions in previous snooker events? The mind boggles. 

Phil Collins

Toronto.

Dear Q@Spurn

These young Chinese so-called snooker stars coming through are letting traditions go. 

If you ask me. 

Not many of them have even average-sized willies due to their race and upbringing.

Yours 

John Parrott

Crewe 

…..

 

Song Sparrow! In Yorkshire!

People at Christmas: Don’t say Christmas Day “falls funny this year, It’s midweek, so you get a weekend then Christmas then another weekend”. What’s funny about that? Then in three to four years tine you’ll be saying “it falls funny this year, you get Christmas at weekend then there’s a full week and it’s New Year on the next weekend”. I don’t want to hear it anymore. What difference does it make apart from the date you finish then start work again? 

It doesn’t get much better honestly…

Cat litter doesn’t taste very nice, like.

You know the old one that all Chinese tourists in London who get a cab always end up in Harrow? Well, they all ended up at Tooting Common when they were trying to get to the  Tutankhamen exhibition apparently. During covid they wanted to go clap the NHS on a Thursday and ended in Cwapham. Taxi drops off a Chinese guy to meet Trump and Putin for talks, he only asked to go to Quiz Two Powers and ended up at Selhurst Park.

Not bad that one. Thanks to Pauline for sending that in. 

Very poor indeed. 

They say “No news is good news” 

but, like, if someone gets swept out to sea, 

after four days I reckon the lack of news 

is a right fucker if you ask me. 

So I think this old wives tale is a latderbollox like. 

Chinese guy books a posh hotel with underfloor heating. Tells driver “Hotel please”. 

“Which hotel?”

“Hotel. Warm Floor”

“Ah, Romford B&B. The A187 is closed today though so I’ll have to go round the harrrziz………….”

Very poor indeed. You’re wasting your time. 

“Save time in the morning before going 

to a movie set like me, by putting 

cornflakes in a bowl and putting 

the milk on the night before. 

The cornflakes go all mushy though. 

And you just bin the fuckers like. 

And, thinking about it, it costs 

the same amount of time the night

 before plus your pre-prepared

 breakfast is inedible so my 

Jimmy Nails Top Tip is to not do any of that, like”. 

I use a spirit level when laying bricks.

 It tells you if it’s level. 

Well, if they’re level, like 

A Wasp landed on me futtin leg like, 

so I waved my hand sort of over

 the futter and it flew off like.

 No one was harmed. Does that count like, 

cos I’m running out of time and 

I’ve gotta go meet Sting for a chinwag 

So, a Song Sparrow no less! In Yorkshire! I went and looked right at it. 

Right at it. 

Twitching!

Today I awoke with Paul Youngs subliminal classic “Every Time You Go Away” in my head. The old joke about the song  being a Butchers shop favourite of course entered proceedings, so I strutted around the house singing Every Time You Go Away, you take a piece of meat with you… much to my childish amusement. The kids unanimously agreed “Dads off his fucking head again…”

Yesterday, it was Eighties TV ads (that got stuck in my head). It all started with “The champion Mushy Peas - that’s these! Batch batch batch Batchelors! The champion Mushy Peas!” I couldn’t get it out of my head. 

Has any other or my reader(s) ever awoken with an eighties advertisement jingle regarding Mushy Peas before? We’d LOVE to hear from you if you have. 

Then, on HOOVERING (it’s fucking hoovering, yes, I realise it’s a trade name that has become a colloquialism in everyday life, but that’s how it’s become to be known. NOT vacuuming. No way, sir. A bit like spam. That’s different actually. Chimley. Instead of Chimney. Chimley IS a word) I became obsessed with Eighties hoover-in scented carpet cleaner/freshener Shake ‘n’ Vac. Note to self: Parentheses way too long: reader may not follow. 

“You do the shake n vac and put the freshness back, do the shake n vac and put the freshness back. If your carpet smells fresh, your room does too! Every time you vacuum (bah) remember what to do, you do the shake n vac and put the freshness back”. 

Two things about this. 

1) Has anyone ever had that pop in their head when they’re NOT hoovering?

2) The lyric “If your carpet smells fresh, your room does too…” is genius! Who, in their right mind, would offer that up as a catchy jingle? I don’t know, but it’s worked, as I still remember it! 

3) There is no number three.

Grey Headed Lapwing Northumberland. Been in the country maybe c.28 days? First time around, I got within an hour of it but had to sack it off due to alcoholism. This time around, I was determined! Determined. I am the quickest twitcher off the mark. If some big news breaks, I just go insane to get there. So when news broke that it was back at East Chevington I decided to set off some twenty days later and you know how twitchers like to get there near dawn? Well dawn was around seven (I haven’t got a clue tbh) so if I set off at four, three hours there, half hour with the bird, three hours home, I’m home at 1030 to conduct more tests on the ex. True to form, shit-hot twitcher, I arrived on site at 1150am, around ten minutes before the afternoon was due to begin. 

I saw it though. It was, like, proper good. And that. The next day it was nowhere to be seen. Or the next. 

Maybe it’s dead.

…..