Cheese Facts

Why oh why has this shower of shit been resurrected I hear you cry?  I’ll tell you, I don’t honestly know.
In the meantime, here are some cheese facts for your delectation.

1. Contrary to popular belief, Tom and Jerry, and the 70s board game Mousetrap, Mice don’t actually like cheese. Why the myth is popular however is a mystery, it’s probably something to do with Chinese whispers.
2. Whole Cheeses are removed from the third stomach of a cow. Horses do produce even better cheeses than cows but the animal is killed in the process so we just don’t bother. We just don’t  bother.

Mmmmmuuuuuuurrrrr.  Said Ermintrude.

3. Cheese does not exist in India experts believe. This is probably due to horses and cows being sacred and that with eight arms and that.
 4. The first cheese was discovered 4000 years ago. By mistake! Some halfwit left milk lying around for like, ages and something happened to it and cheese was born.
5. Kids lunchbox item Cheese Strings aren’t made of cheese at all, they’re made of couloured-in plastic.
6. The first cheesemaid had a RIGHT hairy cunt.

Definitely. Said Florence. 

7. Stilton is named after where they make it and that is proper queens english that is. Stilton is a town on the original A1 and highwaymen used to visit and eat cheese. Maybe.
8. Saying “cheese” to a photographer was meant to give you an automatic smile, but some people look quite glum when they say the word cheese in everyday life.
9. Cheddar is named after Cheddar Gorge but Cheddar Gorge was named after someone who gorged on cheddar so experts don’t quite know which came first.
10. Cheese crisps are thought to have originated in the development rooms of crisp manufacturers like Walkers and Nik naks. Nik Naks also used to produce a flavour called Scampi and Lemon which isn’t actually a cheese. And if the pedants out there think Nik Naks don’t do cheese crisps well they used to. Alright?
11. Adolf Hitlers favourite cheese is, or was, Wensleydale like the characters Wallace and Grommit, but Hitler wasn’t a lovable animated character oh no, he was a lovable dictator who used to get real mad about all sorts of things.
12. Cheese is illegal to take through customs. I found out first hand once when I attempted to take some “cheese” through customs from Amsterdam. I was arrested and convicted charged with drug smuggling as this piece of cheese was 80% pure
Colombian rock. So maybe cheese can be taken through customs as this anecdote didn’t concern cheese. Maybe ignore this cheese fact.

Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh. Said Dylan. 

13.  The boxer Frank Bruno once said “Yeah I like cheese, I’m not sure what my favourite is but I like the yellowy one and the other one but you don’t get anything for a pair, not in this game Harold” as he always had a catchphrase.  So we’re none the wiser as to which cheese Big Frank liked but he obviously liked at least two types.

14. Burt Reynolds once put a full Edam on his head at a Hollywood party. It stayed there for an amazing seventeen days which, as for as we know, is the longest time an actor with a moustache has “worn” a full Edam although Magnum PI reckons he matured a nice cheddar in his moustache for 3-6 weeks. Norris McWhirter thought that the estimate “3-6 weeks” was far too random for this to be accepted as an official world record so the record stood with Burt Reynolds’ 17 days which stands to this day. The record for an actor without a moustache is 24 years and 4 months held by Benny off Crossroads. We are not sure why these two records are so different but it’s probably down to Benny off Crossroads being a simpleton.



15.  Freddie Mercury’s favourite cheese was, oh god I can’t believe I’m going there, a very specialist concoction, one that had to be harvested fresh from young milked males,  the problem was once milked it soon went stringy but had good salty tastes. Oh god. What am I doing? Freddie said in his own words that he likes double Gloucester but I’m sure that’s some sort of sick double entendre.

16. Reggiano Parmegiano is an Italian hard cheese. I like it personally but Rocky Balboa  prefers no cheese, that’s NO CHEESE on his pasta, the mad bastard. His wife, Adrian was unable for comment.