No Neck Ted off Benedict Reprise.

“I don’t believe in God, but I’m afraid of him. Well I believe in God, but the only thing that I’m afraid of is No Neck Ted off Benedict” my dad used to say every Saturday night when he got in from pub.
And he was right. No Neck Ted off Benedict was notorious in the criminal underworld, dealing in knocked off trainers, selling durex to underage kids, and luring school children into smoking by selling a seppy and a match for 11p at the age of just 12. This is where he started out. Some say his fathers German. Born Edward in 1964 in Benedict Rd, Boothferry Est Hull, Ted quickly established himself in gang land by stealing a few tins of corned beef from the shop at the top of Gower Rd and selling them on to locals at the age of four. The locals always needed corned beef and Ted knew this and exploited it, a rule that he followed throughout his career. It was also around this time that he first showed off the stunted neck that became synonymous to his character. Indeed only Ted and Sandi Tosvig show this unique feature.

He’s supposed to be Turkish. Some say his father is German. Nobody believed he was real. Nobody ever saw him him or knew anybody that worked directly for him. But Steve Palmer once said anybody could’ve worked for Ted, you never knew, that was his power. when he started the protection racket on North Side nobody believed he would get to where he is today. The guy there in the barber shop, big fat guy I mean porker fat, wouldn’t pay up the £1.50 so Ted, looks all of the people waiting for a haircut in the eye, then to show him what real will is, he shoots his own family then the people waiting for a haircut one by one, but he lets the last guy that needs a haircut live, he tells him I would rather see my family buried than live another day without that £1.50. Once his family are in the ground, he goes after the rest of the mob, he kills their kids, he kills their wives, he kills everyone that needs a haircut, he kills their parents friends, he burns down their houses and the stores they work in, he kills people that owe them money, he kills people who own scissors. And like that. He’s gone. Underground. No ones seen him since. He becomes a myth, a spook story “go to the hairdressers and No Neck Ted off Benedict will get you”. And no one really believes.

Teds rise to notoriety continued into the world of confidence tricks, fraud, hijackings, and eating penny goodies without paying for them in Sainsbury’s local on Mollison Rd. No one believed. No one knew if they could get a haircut. Everyone on Boothferry Estate walked around with massive hair, indeed this is where the 70s long haired look began. Clapton grew his hair. Hendrix grew his hair. . Led Zep formed on the back of it. Thin Lizzy penned Whiskey in the Jar. No one knew that the movement came from one man, No Neck Ted off Benedict, and no one knew that it wasn’t a fashion thing, it was just Teds manic affliction toward hairdressers due to £1.50 he was still owed. A whole movement started over that £1.50. That £1.50 led to Carnaby St, 10cc and Lemmy out of Motörhead.

Some say he once walked into Granby, he looks everyone in the eye, and ordered a pint of lager. Some say we miss those times. Ted sits down, drinks his drink, then he shows these men of will what real will is and orders another pint of lager. Bill in Just Gents could be heard from the back room of his barber shop shouting “he’s here. I know he’s here. I’m telling you it’s No Neck Ted off Benedict”.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.

And like that.




He’s gone.



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2019 round up XI. Or maybe seven? Maybe five, I don’t know.,

A Wheatear had been found. A rare one. But which rare one? It was one of those Pied/Black Eared females that look just like each other. Hmmm... I consulted the Shellguide to the Birds of Britain then immediately threw it in the bin and picked up another, much more up to date field guide. The leading minds of Ornithology were totally undecided and couldn’t agree on a positive ID. I assigned this to the “unidentifiable in the field” bracket and decided on not travelling as I’d seen several Pieds yet no Black Eared but was confident that this couldn’t be ID’d safely.
This has started almost like a proper birding blog.
And we can’t have that. Can we?!
Can we.....FUCK. There I said it.
Them German soldiers must’ve been thick as fuck. I was in Amsterdam recently and must’ve seen about eight signs all pointing directly to Ann Franks house.
That’s better. Some gratuitous swearing and a shite joke. I feel normal now.
So. Then came the news that some Wheatear shite had been collected. DNA sample sent to Prof. Maybe then? Then came the news that mitochondrial DNA isn't always separable in Pieds/Black Eared. Maybe not then.
This one couldn’t be separated by DNA.
Definitely not then.
Then came news of a ‘ringers feature’ ie an ID feature that ringers use, like the feature on Collared Flys where they have a pale collar on their skin around the nape if you fluff the feathers up. Amazing stuff what we they know these days. So Black Eared show a whitish base to the mantle feathers, maybe then, but these can only be seen if the feathers are fluffed up, maybe not then.
Someone posted shots online. From the rear. In the wind. Feathers fluffed right the fuck up. With white base shafts (shafts - ha! Hilarious!)
A pissing Black Eared Wheatear no less! One that can’t be ID’d in the pissing field! But it has! Oh yeah. It has!
Blackpool here we pissing come. I ran round the house like a pissing loony collecting various birding artefacts and attire. Well I grabbed my pissing bins. Then I grabbed my pissing car key and ran out the door shouting “piiiiiiisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss” and I held the “ssss” all the way until I got into the car. Ethel next door said “Morning” and I just ran past her going “sssssssssssssssss” as she’d missed the “piiii” bit.

On arrival I parked where I was told to park by the information services and walked all of 10 yards onto the grass verge and immediately saw the unidentifiable Black Eared Wheatear down to about 20 feet. I couldn’t ID it as it was a nice calm day, does that mean I don’t get a tick in my birdspottering jotter  pad? Well I do in my eyes. Fuck the rules and fuck Evans.
At the Wheat I was stood with a decent bloke and had a good yarn. I think he was from Donny.

There, that was almost like a proper birding blog post wasn’t it?
Coming next time, gratuitous cock jokes aplenty, swearing like an absolute trooper, lots of made up facts about a random subject, and the usual childish jokes you’re accustomed to.


Cocks.



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Lisa Stansfield Facts

Let’s really get to know pop singer Lisa Stansfield by looking at some fun facts about her in a 1980s “Smash Hits” stylee.

• Lisa’s musical influences include Diana Ross, The Supremes, and Diana Ross and the Supremes although where this influence can be seen in any of her pop records is unknown. Maybe it’s the layered chorus in People Hold On?
• People Hold On featured Lisa Standsfield but was actually released by one hit wonder Coldcut and is said to have been written on a train, that was full, in Manchester. 
• “Lisa Stansfield” is a stage name. Lisa was actually born Lisa Plasterboard but her record producers thought that Lisa Plasterboard wasn’t the right name for a pop singer. Here at Q@Spurn we think Lisa Plasterboard is a terrific name for a pop singer and would have marketed her as such, even including a bucket of dry wall adhesive on every album cover as a gimmick just like Iron Maiden did with their now infamous Eddie the Ed. The bucket of dry wall adhesive could even been integrated into her live shows maybe on a wire flying around the stage with the crowd going wild. Or just stood at the corner of the stage and Lisa, mid song,  occasionally goes over to the bucket and sort of points at it.
• Lisa has two sisters, Karen and Karen, she also has two dogs (names unknown) and coincidentally, two parents but she doesn’t have two husbands as she was married to the Chuckle brothers and sadly one of them died. Not so long back. 
• Lisa’s biggest hit to date was “Been Around the World and I I I” which was written about not being able to find someone she wanted to, and then she got quite determined to find the person and they’d had a row and Lisa let herself go as she’d said things the bloke didn’t even know about, Lisa was pretty bad in her own words and didn’t think the bloke was coming back at all mmm mmm. The bloke, to be fair to him, gave the reasons he should go but Lisa Plasterboard got real mad even though she she didn’t think he was coming back, Lisa openly admitted that she lied and wasted too much time which made her cry so she fucked off around the world looking for him. Surely you’d start at the places he frequented? Did you try the pub in Rochdale Lisa? Could’ve saved yourself  a fortune. Lisa then claims she didn’t know why he’d fucked off but she’s already admitted lying and wasting time and crying and that so surely she did know why he’d fucked off?
• Lisa once developed an allergy to her own saliva. You think I make things up on these “Facts” posts don’t you? Well I don’t. Yahoo it (other search engines are available).
• Lisa’s parents were poor and had to put corks up her nose when she had a cold. They would simply wash the corks and use them the next time someone in their household had a cold. It is unclear what happened if, say, two members of the family had a cold at the same time. 
• Lisa has the biggest collection of artefacts in the world
• Lisa enjoys cross country running and cane 27th in the Rochdale are trials. If she’d have come in the top three she would have represented Rochdale in the Lancashire cross country trials in which the top three qualify for the North West Counties trials in which the top three.....etc. 
• Lisa also enjoys swimming, archery, fox hunting, pot holing and snooker. Her favourite snookerist is Tony Knowles
• Tony Knowles once beat Steve Davis at his peak 10-1 in the first round of the world championships. Davis was defending champion at the time. 
• Knowles was from Bolton and had a reputation as a ladies man, once claiming to have “bedded” upto eight women although not at the same time. 
• The term “bedded” was invented by 1980s unreliable journalists at The Star as a lame tabloid term for the word “knew”. 
• Another snooker player named Tony was/is Tony Meo. Q@Spurns very own mother once met Tony Meo outside Binns in Hull, he was bizarrely signing autographs.  Q@Spurns mother got  Q@Spurn Tony Meos autograph and stated that he was his favourite. Tony Mei was not my favourite at all. It was obviously Doug Mountjoy. Another snookering  Tony could/should be Anthony Hamilton, The Sherriff of Pottingham, as he’s from Nottingham and it’s a play on words from pot, as in pot the balls...etc. But he likes to be known as Anthony so he’s not a snooker Tony at all. 
• I once called someone called Mark that I know well, “Tony” on a night out. He plays snooker as well.

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zusammenfassen Fünf. Scheiße, ich habe die verdammten Kinder verloren

Apparently now white people now own more dogs than black people. That’s obviously because it’s illegal to own black people these days.
Stats show nothing, therefore.
Apart from this: Pacific Swift have been recorded only 9 times in Britain.
But I’m guessing so it’s not really a stat is it?

I was sat, pondering, on a Saturday morning, football season yet to start in earnest, pondering what to do with the kids for the day. I had chicken phal for breakfast, I have chicken or lamb phal for either Saturday or Sunday breakfast every week, to the point of eldest daughter, when she receives her breakfast says “You having curry, Dad?”.
“Yeah Roobs”.
“Well it is Saturday/Sunday” she says very blasé.
I was about to start drinking when a text came through: “can you put that washing in, and don’t leave you’re empty cans all over the place”.
She moans. They all fucking moan.
But more in relation to this shite (I mean blog) came “possible Pacific or White Rumped Swift Hornsea Mere, doing a piss over eastern end” from Joel, 42, of Leeds.
Right.
I saw the White  Rumped Swift at Hornsea Here (first for Britain no less) so I presumed, like many others, that Prince Andrew knew a lot fucking more than he let on. In fact, why has it just been forgotten about? It was lucky that The Palace announced Garry and Megan’s malarkey just after, which took a lot of the heat off our Andy. Funny that, eh?

Anyway, like many others,  I actually presumed that it was the White Rump turning up again, but I set off anyway with some (maybe none) cans of cider for the journey. Further updates (definitely in lay-bys) suggested that this Swift was actually, maybe, possibly a Pacific Swift! And all above board legally, as in over eighteen.

By the time I got there it WAS a Pacific Swift and there it was just sort of, like, flying about approximately three miles away and I’d only got bins! Ha. Should’ve gone and got my scope, but if I had I would’ve missed it as after this sighting it was never seen again! Never ever. That was lucky, not great views but lucky.



Hang on a minute, where’s the fucking kids....?




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Round Up IV a Bit Like Rocky IV but with no Boxing

Around four years ago the information services stated “Black-Winged Pratincole, Durham, 0800 still present showing well”. Off I set. An hour in, checked further information services, no further updates, no bother, carry on. Got to the site only to be told “no sign, it flew south around 815”.
I checked information services to see a message only just posted (11am at this point!) “flew south and no further sign”.
“So I’ve just driven for 2-and-three-quarter-hours and it flew off just as I was setting off and no one reported this small fact?” I shouted to no one in particular. I wasn’t happy. There was a guy walking his dog so I kicked his dog in the leg just to raise a response then CHINNED the bloke as soon as he had the gall to react. So I drove the 2-and-three-quarter-hours back home again.

Fast forward almost a year to the day and the information services stated “Black-Winged Pratincole, Durham, 0800 still present showing well”. Off I set. An hour in, checked further...You get the picture. .Got to the site only to be told “no sign, it flew south around 815”. “NOT AGAAAAAAAIIIIIIN!” I screamed in a sort of action/revenge movie stylee as I sunk to my knees with arms aloft looking to the heavens. I held this note and posture for at least three minutes for effect. Eight dogs were kicked, in the leg, and eight owners were CHINNED including a sweet granny, an eleven year old who can only be described as a boy, and a Dachshund.  Schweinhunds. Schweinhunds means PIG DOGS in German. Which is good.  It happened twice. Fucking twice. On a Sunday as well. Wankers.

June 2019. Black Winged Pratincole, Frampton Marsh, Lincs, showing well. Right then. Merc juiced, bins, scope, check. Off. Arrived. Parked. Walked. Pratincole immediately. Recompense. Durham bastards. Good site. Random words. Roman coin. Card tricks. Deceit. Deceit.
Eyes.

Jimmy the fucking Jew, part of the Sheffield mafia mob, will understand that last bit. The fucking Jew fuck.
So, yes, a Black Winged Pratincole at the site of my first Oriental Pratincole no less, this site now being host to all three species of Pratincole on the British List, a new world record or summat.

Liverpool Man U later today. Probably the biggest game in the world maybe only rivalled by Barca/Real or Hull City/Huddersfield. I hate Man U. Their fans are deluded and taken in by the overtly biased media towards their side. One “fan”, a lad from Hull who has seen almost every game on TV, said to me when we were on the piss “name me a better defender than Maguire or Wan-bassaka, and Martial and Rashford are simply world class”.
“You’re deluded” said your faithful author as I simply walked off to the bar to purchase drinks and look down the bartenders top.  His beard put me off a bit though.
That was a good joke.
I hate L***s as well. Their twitter goes mad if they win. It goes mad if they lose. They’re deluded as well but don’t get me started.

There, a nice balanced football based rant to finish.

Sort of.
Do you know how big this universe thing is? Well, it’s big. Like, big. Nearest star, apart from our own, Alpha Centauri would take how long to reach?  Well, I’ll tell you. At a velocity of 56000km/h (at which speed you’d orbit the Earth nearly twice every hour!) it would take 81,000 years. 81 thousand years. Think about that. Our Lord, Jesus Christ was around two thousand years ago. 81000 years.
Nearest galaxy, Andromeda at same velocity? 94 billion years.
94 billion years.
Ninety. Four. Billion. Winestain. Years.
And that’s the nearest.
Big?
I told you it was big.
And please realise just how much bigger a billion is than, say, a million. A million seconds is about 11days. A billion seconds is around 32 years. That’s how mush bigger a billion is.
Don’t go thinking you never learn anything here at Q@Spurn and it’s all just cock jokes interspersed with the odd bird sighting, oh no. You’re just ungrateful.
And pedants, I realise it’s also known as Alpha Proxima.
And I also know there are minor galaxies betwixt here and Andromeda.
And Hitachi isn’t actually a brand. It means “Land of the Giant television” in Japanese.
Maybe.


.......

Swimming Pool Rules

I’ve just taken the children swimming. The hardest and by far the most strenuous part, without doubt, is putting your socks on afterwards. You know the part where you’re still a bit damp and the floor is soaking? You nearly rip the heel off every sock you’ve ever taken to swimming.
What I did notice whilst the girls were in the deep end unsupervised was that the“pool rules” have changed somewhat over the years since my days as a child swimming.

Swimming Pool Rules 2019

• No Bombing
• No Running
• Respect all others feelings
• Share
• Prayers on the hour every hour.
• No Diving under 1.5m
• No Smoking
• No Vaping
• All genders, races and sexual orientations are equal here and all activities that are traditional to any gender, race or sexual orientation must be observed and adhered to. Any person or persons, or any person that identifies as a non-person must observe such traditions, any person who doesn’t or cannot will be asked to leave but offered a free admission as recompense as we cannot be seen to discriminate even with persons whose views are seen as non conformist.
• No Drinking

Swimming Pool Rules 1979

• No Bombing
• No Running
• Use Ashtrays
• No Glass
• No Dunking
• No Blacks
• Long Life Lager available 
• No Prawn cocktails in the pool
• Please leave the pool when your band colour flashes on the display and makes a disproportionate wailing noise.
• No Male Nudity
• No Shaving
• No shaven clams, good, honest minges only
• No Heavy Petting

Times change...





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