Best build another patio...

Where have I been?  Let me tell you where I've been.
Ruckland.
Ruckland?
Yes, Ruckland.  84 fucking times.
This White-Tailed bastard Eaglet that's supposedly been at bastard Ruckland for an eternity has so far eluded me.  84 fucking times.  Another sad lonely man that was there said to this sad lonely man (yours truly) that he'd been there 3 times and not seen it.  3 times?  3?  Fuck all mate.  Wait til you get to 84 fucking times mate then come back. 

This post has started off very sweary hasn't it?  Very sweary indeed.
Meanwhile....

Last Saturday the lads was 'round at one of the lads houses for drinks, uppers, downers, all-arounders, curry, pizza and the boxing match twixt The Hayemaker and Dr Ironfisthammer.  Nicola was at one of her mates so I had the children until she came in and then I was off to the boxing.  
8:12 a text read:

Won't be long, see you in a bit x

Women always put a kiss on their texts.  Okay, I thought, I'll get to the fight easily, as they weren't scheduled to start whilst ten.  Half nine comes........no Nicola.  More texts.

Where the flying fuck are you?

(no kiss)

Won't be long x

(kiss)

9:45p.m.  Still no Nicola.  I best just book the fight at home.  We have no landline so couldn't book it through the remote. Tits.  Went online.....the site was down due to "high levels of traffic".  Tits.  Tried ringing them....all lines engaged.  Tits.  What the shall I do now?  Tits.  It's now gone ten and the fight is probably beginning. Tits.  I'm just gonna have to book it when the site calms down and watch it in morning.  Sorted.  No drinks with the lads but not to worry.  Tits.

12:10a.m.  Nicola finally wanders in and says "Haye got beat then..."

12:11a.m.  Nicola unconscious with a spade wrapped round her swede.

I of course don't advocate domestic violence of any kind. Saying that, the split arses want sexual equality don't they so what's wrong with a few stellas and a slap now and again? Same amount of prize money at Wimbledon and all that.  Well let them play 5-set matches all the way through the tournament then.  Same amount of money should equal same amount of games.  Not that I'm bothered. I'm not sexist either and to prove it I even watched a bit of the womens world cup.  I watched England and to be honest I don't think they can win it with the players they've got. Oh well, back to the chopping board.

Western Bonelli's near Manc land is tempting to solve the mid-summer night blues.





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