25 (maybe) Fun Rice Krispies Facts

The team at Q@Spurn have written this for me, I mean, us, just to keep me, us, at least somewhat “entertained” even though I, I mean they, have started spelling Crispies with a “K” then resorted quite quickly to a “C” but I, they, can’t be bothered to go change them all. These are the things that trouble me. Them.

1.  Rice Krispies are a breakfast cereal, usually served with fresh milk and granulated sugar.

2.  But other serving suggestions are available including just in a bowl by themselves as per the front of the box. This is just to save money on the milk and sugar needed for every front of every Rice Krispies box.

3. It costs Rice Crispies manufacturers (British Gas) about 10p in milk for every box front.

4. Mad innit!?

5. When I typed the word “milk” the spellcheck changed it automatically to “milf”. 

6. I may need to look at my self. 

7. Now!!Because I typed the above sentence, Google has just opened a browser with links to “watching yourself”, “cameras”, and “wanking furiously”. 

8. Rice Crispies are made from pure Crispies and they only got the word “Rice” involved because they looked like rice. 

9. Google has now automatically opened a new page because I typed “wanking furiously” a few sentences, or fucking paragraphs, ago. Does that make sense? I’ll have to read it back.

10. Yeah I think it does. 

11. With links to “Wanking furiously - A Bachelors Tail (very poor indeed) by Roald Dahl - buy now with Amazon Prime”, “Rice shaped cameras”, and “Tony the Tiger off Frosties and that”. 

12. Tony the Tiger only represented Frosties.  He never once saw fit to praise Rice Crispies. 

13. Rice Crispies once asked Tony the Tiger to praise them on the front of their boxes and offer a secret toy which children of all ages would have to fish out of their cereal and milk with their hands, initially excited about finding a mystery toy in a small plastic bag in their breakfast bowl only to find it was a small,  plastic, purple, sort of star thing, that had no interest or couldn’t be used for anything of a fun nature as the word toy denotes 

14. Rice Crispies only have two friends.

15. Tony the Tiger, God rest his soul, was named after Tony Robinson who played Baldrick in Blackadder. He would say his catchphrase “you plonker” quite a bit. 

16. I’ve just laughed at “quite a bit” which is wrong as it’s my own writing. Im in idiot. 

17. My mate Jim used to eat Golden Grahams and Cinnamon Grahams quite a lot. That was less amusing to me. Let us think about the development/marketing team when they were revising these new cereals. What shall we call one of these new cereals made from bran and other things? Graham. Graham?! said the Chairman…. Fuck it, call every single one of them Graham. And everyone cheered! 

18. Gary, who’s in accounts, was a bit upset but still liked the name of the new branding.

19. Golden Grahams?!?! Golden. GRAHAMS. Golden Grahams.Thats Golden, then Grahams. Golden….Grahams…. I need to take this in that Ive just accepted this name for all these years but never actually realised what they were trying to do to us. 

20. Tony the Tigers catchphrase was “I’d rather eat one than be one!!!” when he was advertising Frosties. Advertising. But this backfired as everyone realised that they too, obviously, would rather eat one than be something that they eat. I wish I was that steak, or should I just eat it? 

21. Tony then fell on hard times and approached Rice Crispies for future work but they’d already marketed three boys called Snap, Crackle and Pop to be on their front cover..Tony suggested “Snap, Crackle, Tony and Pop” but it fell on deaf ears. Tony can be seen in the background in the shadows of some of the early Rice Crispies front covers trying to get in on the shot.  Originals are worth a few quid nowadays. 

Theory of Relativity Part I

 I’ve been talking to eldest and we were talking about space, perpetual motion, light speed, gravity and that.

I tried to explain it in terms of everyday life and all that malarkey.  So here, my loyal reader, is what my science team here at Q@Spurn offered. 

To get into the scale of this firstly let’s think about the Sun. The sun is our heat - remember that. I won’t remind you again. Around 90 million miles away. It’s light, that we see, takes around 8-9 minutes to reach us. So we are seeing where the sun is Eight minutes ago, ie where you see the sun right now isn’t where it is right now. It’s a bit to the right actually RIGHT NOW. In our time. Think about that.

So, we’re seeing the sun where it actually was 8 minutes ago. Now, that light from the sun has taken 8 minutes to get here so how is it that when a cloud that’s a mere 1km away blocks the light but also at the same time the temperature drops?! If we’re seeing the sun 8 minutes previous surely the temperature would drop in 8 minutes?! Well, this is a bit of trick question from Q@Spurns science team and it’s simply the the convection, heat, travels at the speed of light also. so to us it’s in real time, all things happen in our eyes instantly although in this case 8 minutes behind in a grander scale. 

Bit boring this post isn’t it? Yer cock pongs. 

That's much better. 

Now picture  yourself and your mate John sat a few metres apart. John bounces a tennis ball, one bounce, to you which you catch. Fine. To you and John it bounces, continues its path in a direct line to you. Real time. The Earth is spinning, let’s call it 1000 mph around the equator so you and your good mate John are travelling at 1000 mph (not allowing for longitude and latitude for the pedants out there) so why, when John releases the ball, doesn’t the ball shoot through your french doors and the local school at 1000mph. It’s not travelling? We are stuck to the earth through gravity and your french doors are stuck to the earth but now the ball is free and everything is moving at 1000mph?! Of course, simply the ball also takes on that same speed as John has released it whilst travelling at 1000mph so it (by the same forces) is travelling at 1000mph also.

When John throws the ball the light takes that absolute minuscule amount of time to get to your smashing eyeball. So, even YOU are seeing the ball 0.00000000000001 seconds ago. Remember this. I won’t repeat this information. 

You and John are now on a train. I know, the imagery is WILD on Q@Spurn. The train is travelling 70mph. But you’re both travelling at 1000mph due to the spin of the earth. To picture this let’s just say you’re travelling LEFT at 1000mpg and the train (and you) (and John) (oh, and the ball) are travelling RIGHT at 70mph. John throws you the ball with one bounce. You catch. Same deal. You see it in a direct line. Your only other mate, Su Pollard, is stood a fair distance away from the train tracks. Watching you and John throw fucking balls to each other! Now why would Su Pollard be stood watching you and your best mate John throw a ball to each other while you’re on a train? Well. It’s for science and that innit. 

So.

Su Pollard sees your best mate John release the ball yet you’re travelling at 70mph past her, Su Pollard is travelling 1000mph the same way as you and your best mate John. Su Pollard she’s John release the ball, then maybe 10 metres to the left, say, sees it bounce, then another 10 metres along sees you catch it. Su Pollards view of the balls flight is an elliptical release then bounce, then elliptical path into your hand but this is 20 metres wide. You and your best mate John see it as a direct line. 

Relativity is just how it is. The “theory” is just that we can explain it. All forces/speed/space/time/convection/etc are all in massive unison. But. Simply. It just the way it is. If it didn’t “work” the earth is spinning at 1000mph but the toddler across the road has just thrown its dummy, the dummy lost all speed so the earth caught up and the dummy SMASHED through your front window, gave your lass a massive centre parting as it skimmed the top of her swede, went straight through the fence and killed the gardener out the back. 

You’re in the park and you throw your dog in the air as a bit of fun but your tiny cute dog loses all velocity (speed duh) and the earth carries on spinning so the dog has to ABSOLUTELY LAUNCH itself at the neighbouring house and spread various parts of anatomy over a relatively large area for such a tiny cute dog. Mrs SteauaBucharest, who lives there, becomes fed up with tiny, bald dogs splattering their limbs and other parts all over their garden. And wall. So Mrs SteauaBucharest puts up a sign in the park saying “No throwing dogs” And she draws a tiny, bald, baby dog with all its parts missing underneath. 

The big ones go straight through the wall leaving a dog-shaped cartoon-style shape in the wall. 

Let’s go further. The nearest habitable planet hosts intelligent life. One of these life forms, let’s call him or her “Steve Davis”. For reference. Steve Davis is now looking from fucking miles away, like well far and that. The earth is now travelling around the sun at 67000mph! Woah. Spinning around the Sun at 67000mph! That’s how Steve Davis sees it.  You, your best mate John and Su Pollard are now travelling at 67000mph in Steve Davis’s eyes! Holy Shitsauce!   So you, John, and Su Pollard, and the ball, are ALSO travelling at 1000mph to the RIGHT around the Earth, but you and your best mate John are also travelling at 70mph LEFT on the train in Su Pollards eyes, but Steve Davis is also seeing you, your best mate John, and Su Pollard, travelling at 67000mph to the RIGHT. 

Bit mad. I hope you’re following this because I aren’t. 

Your best mate John releases the ball. You see it bounce, Su Pollard sees it bounce 10m later. Steve Davis sees your best mate John release the ball but he sees it bounce 3000 miles to the left. Then another 3000 miles when you caught it. These figures aren’t true by the way. It would take ages to work that out so the science team have just fucked it off and started drinking Rum and overly flirting with the office’s only woman. Let’s call her “Mrs Cock” for reference.

The flight of the ball from your eyes, Johns eyes, Su Pollards eyes, and Steve Davis’s eyes are vastly different. But you and John are just sat there. On a train. 

It all just works. It’s just that we can prove it. Which is remarkable. 

The ball has travelled the two metres between you and John, Su Pollard has seen it travel 20 metres, and Steve Davis has seen it travel 6000 miles. Same ball. 

Coming next time: Fun statistics from astro-physics magazine and a poor attempt at a joke about anything ranging from cocks to Belgium.