zusammenfassen Fünf. Scheiße, ich habe die verdammten Kinder verloren

Apparently now white people now own more dogs than black people. That’s obviously because it’s illegal to own black people these days.
Stats show nothing, therefore.
Apart from this: Pacific Swift have been recorded only 9 times in Britain.
But I’m guessing so it’s not really a stat is it?

I was sat, pondering, on a Saturday morning, football season yet to start in earnest, pondering what to do with the kids for the day. I had chicken phal for breakfast, I have chicken or lamb phal for either Saturday or Sunday breakfast every week, to the point of eldest daughter, when she receives her breakfast says “You having curry, Dad?”.
“Yeah Roobs”.
“Well it is Saturday/Sunday” she says very blasé.
I was about to start drinking when a text came through: “can you put that washing in, and don’t leave you’re empty cans all over the place”.
She moans. They all fucking moan.
But more in relation to this shite (I mean blog) came “possible Pacific or White Rumped Swift Hornsea Mere, doing a piss over eastern end” from Joel, 42, of Leeds.
Right.
I saw the White  Rumped Swift at Hornsea Here (first for Britain no less) so I presumed, like many others, that Prince Andrew knew a lot fucking more than he let on. In fact, why has it just been forgotten about? It was lucky that The Palace announced Garry and Megan’s malarkey just after, which took a lot of the heat off our Andy. Funny that, eh?

Anyway, like many others,  I actually presumed that it was the White Rump turning up again, but I set off anyway with some (maybe none) cans of cider for the journey. Further updates (definitely in lay-bys) suggested that this Swift was actually, maybe, possibly a Pacific Swift! And all above board legally, as in over eighteen.

By the time I got there it WAS a Pacific Swift and there it was just sort of, like, flying about approximately three miles away and I’d only got bins! Ha. Should’ve gone and got my scope, but if I had I would’ve missed it as after this sighting it was never seen again! Never ever. That was lucky, not great views but lucky.



Hang on a minute, where’s the fucking kids....?




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Round Up IV a Bit Like Rocky IV but with no Boxing

Around four years ago the information services stated “Black-Winged Pratincole, Durham, 0800 still present showing well”. Off I set. An hour in, checked further information services, no further updates, no bother, carry on. Got to the site only to be told “no sign, it flew south around 815”.
I checked information services to see a message only just posted (11am at this point!) “flew south and no further sign”.
“So I’ve just driven for 2-and-three-quarter-hours and it flew off just as I was setting off and no one reported this small fact?” I shouted to no one in particular. I wasn’t happy. There was a guy walking his dog so I kicked his dog in the leg just to raise a response then CHINNED the bloke as soon as he had the gall to react. So I drove the 2-and-three-quarter-hours back home again.

Fast forward almost a year to the day and the information services stated “Black-Winged Pratincole, Durham, 0800 still present showing well”. Off I set. An hour in, checked further...You get the picture. .Got to the site only to be told “no sign, it flew south around 815”. “NOT AGAAAAAAAIIIIIIN!” I screamed in a sort of action/revenge movie stylee as I sunk to my knees with arms aloft looking to the heavens. I held this note and posture for at least three minutes for effect. Eight dogs were kicked, in the leg, and eight owners were CHINNED including a sweet granny, an eleven year old who can only be described as a boy, and a Dachshund.  Schweinhunds. Schweinhunds means PIG DOGS in German. Which is good.  It happened twice. Fucking twice. On a Sunday as well. Wankers.

June 2019. Black Winged Pratincole, Frampton Marsh, Lincs, showing well. Right then. Merc juiced, bins, scope, check. Off. Arrived. Parked. Walked. Pratincole immediately. Recompense. Durham bastards. Good site. Random words. Roman coin. Card tricks. Deceit. Deceit.
Eyes.

Jimmy the fucking Jew, part of the Sheffield mafia mob, will understand that last bit. The fucking Jew fuck.
So, yes, a Black Winged Pratincole at the site of my first Oriental Pratincole no less, this site now being host to all three species of Pratincole on the British List, a new world record or summat.

Liverpool Man U later today. Probably the biggest game in the world maybe only rivalled by Barca/Real or Hull City/Huddersfield. I hate Man U. Their fans are deluded and taken in by the overtly biased media towards their side. One “fan”, a lad from Hull who has seen almost every game on TV, said to me when we were on the piss “name me a better defender than Maguire or Wan-bassaka, and Martial and Rashford are simply world class”.
“You’re deluded” said your faithful author as I simply walked off to the bar to purchase drinks and look down the bartenders top.  His beard put me off a bit though.
That was a good joke.
I hate L***s as well. Their twitter goes mad if they win. It goes mad if they lose. They’re deluded as well but don’t get me started.

There, a nice balanced football based rant to finish.

Sort of.
Do you know how big this universe thing is? Well, it’s big. Like, big. Nearest star, apart from our own, Alpha Centauri would take how long to reach?  Well, I’ll tell you. At a velocity of 56000km/h (at which speed you’d orbit the Earth nearly twice every hour!) it would take 81,000 years. 81 thousand years. Think about that. Our Lord, Jesus Christ was around two thousand years ago. 81000 years.
Nearest galaxy, Andromeda at same velocity? 94 billion years.
94 billion years.
Ninety. Four. Billion. Winestain. Years.
And that’s the nearest.
Big?
I told you it was big.
And please realise just how much bigger a billion is than, say, a million. A million seconds is about 11days. A billion seconds is around 32 years. That’s how mush bigger a billion is.
Don’t go thinking you never learn anything here at Q@Spurn and it’s all just cock jokes interspersed with the odd bird sighting, oh no. You’re just ungrateful.
And pedants, I realise it’s also known as Alpha Proxima.
And I also know there are minor galaxies betwixt here and Andromeda.
And Hitachi isn’t actually a brand. It means “Land of the Giant television” in Japanese.
Maybe.


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Swimming Pool Rules

I’ve just taken the children swimming. The hardest and by far the most strenuous part, without doubt, is putting your socks on afterwards. You know the part where you’re still a bit damp and the floor is soaking? You nearly rip the heel off every sock you’ve ever taken to swimming.
What I did notice whilst the girls were in the deep end unsupervised was that the“pool rules” have changed somewhat over the years since my days as a child swimming.

Swimming Pool Rules 2019

• No Bombing
• No Running
• Respect all others feelings
• Share
• Prayers on the hour every hour.
• No Diving under 1.5m
• No Smoking
• No Vaping
• All genders, races and sexual orientations are equal here and all activities that are traditional to any gender, race or sexual orientation must be observed and adhered to. Any person or persons, or any person that identifies as a non-person must observe such traditions, any person who doesn’t or cannot will be asked to leave but offered a free admission as recompense as we cannot be seen to discriminate even with persons whose views are seen as non conformist.
• No Drinking

Swimming Pool Rules 1979

• No Bombing
• No Running
• Use Ashtrays
• No Glass
• No Dunking
• No Blacks
• Long Life Lager available 
• No Prawn cocktails in the pool
• Please leave the pool when your band colour flashes on the display and makes a disproportionate wailing noise.
• No Male Nudity
• No Shaving
• No shaven clams, good, honest minges only
• No Heavy Petting

Times change...





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