World exclusive! Never seen before made-up interview with everyone’s favourite mass murderer, the one and only, lovable Fred West! This was just weeks before his sad demise.
Q: Thanks for joining us Fred, how are you today?
Fred: Yeah, I’m fine, thanks for asking. What have you been upto? Have you had breakfast?
Q: Yeah, Ive had scrambled egg. I think I’m meant to ask the questions to be honest! What drove you to do such inhumane acts?
Fred: Do you have it with brown sauce?
Q: Yes, I did actually.
Fred: I like it, or them, with brown sauce too. How many people have you killed?
Q: None. Yet.
Fred: Plenty of time. Ha ha ha, I’m such a lovable rogue aren’t I? Ha. Have you got any pets?
Q: Yes, Ive got a dog called fucking Daisy. With a pink lead. Who calls a dog Daisy these days? I look really butch shouting Daisy on field.
Fred: Why don’t you kill it and leave it’s remains under the floorboards? I’m so lovable.
Q: I never really thought of that Fred to be honest. How come you’re asking the questions, it’s meant to be me doing the interview?
Fred: Nuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Go on then.
Q: When you used to spy on your tenants engaging in sexual intercourse, what was you actually doing?
Fred: Bran Flakes.
Q: Bran Flakes?! What does that mean? I’m not sure what you mean?
Fred: Neither do I. I was obviously masturbating furiously. I mean, come on, that’s a stupid question isn’t it?
Q: Fair enough. You seen out of Rose?
Fred: No, she’s serving multiple life sentences in a womens jail.
Q: Do you think you’ll see her again?
Fred: No. She’s serving multiple life sentences in a womens jail.
Q: Was Rose involved in all of the murders?
Fred West: Yes. She’s serving multiple life sentences in a womens jail.
Q: Who’s idea was it? I mean, how does the topic of spying on tenants, murdering them, and stashing their remains in your house first get raised?
Fred: Just an accident really. I think we were watching Play Your Cards Right and they got a Queen and went lower, and it was another Queen. So I went and cut a hole in the ceiling and starting watching the tenants having sexual intercourse.
Q: What self-respecting landlord could do more? So how did Rose react to this?
Fred: She played Now That’s What I Call Music 3. I’ve wrote a poem about her though. “my Rose has left me, I’m in a mood. She’s gone to Kenya, with a bloke from Allied Carpets”. (vic and bob)
Q: I’m not even sure what I’m talking about here Fred West.
Fred: Neither do I Q, this is all a bit surreal and stupid even for you. Are you pissed?
Q: A little bit. Sorry Fred West. You’re a really nice chap though.
Fred: Thanks. I’m just misunderstood. Nobody means to rape, murder and bury their tenants and daughters. I actually think you’ve gone a bit too far now, even for you.
Q: Do you get picked on in prison?
Fred: Yeah a little bit, but I get my own back by cutting holes in the walls and spying on them, like Clint Eastwood in Escape From Alcatraz.
Q: So, what’s the worst thing that’s happened to you in prison?
Fred: They call me “Tuna” sometimes. They started calling me “John” West after the tinned fish magnate. Then it went to John West Salmon. They’re so mean. Then just to be really mean, they called me Tuna. After the tuna in tins by John West. It got me down for a while but I got over it. Hopefully it’s FINished now.
Q: You said that on Porpoise.
Fred: Oh Cod.
Q: Are you allowed to speak to Rose?
Fred: Yeah we speak most days. I’m usually too busy but I still answer because I’m nice like that.
Q: What’s your middle name?
Fred: Shitsauce.
