No Neck Ted off Benedict Reprise.

“I don’t believe in God, but I’m afraid of him. Well I believe in God, but the only thing that I’m afraid of is No Neck Ted off Benedict” my dad used to say every Saturday night when he got in from pub.
And he was right. No Neck Ted off Benedict was notorious in the criminal underworld, dealing in knocked off trainers, selling durex to underage kids, and luring school children into smoking by selling a seppy and a match for 11p at the age of just 12. This is where he started out. Some say his fathers German. Born Edward in 1964 in Benedict Rd, Boothferry Est Hull, Ted quickly established himself in gang land by stealing a few tins of corned beef from the shop at the top of Gower Rd and selling them on to locals at the age of four. The locals always needed corned beef and Ted knew this and exploited it, a rule that he followed throughout his career. It was also around this time that he first showed off the stunted neck that became synonymous to his character. Indeed only Ted and Sandi Tosvig show this unique feature.

He’s supposed to be Turkish. Some say his father is German. Nobody believed he was real. Nobody ever saw him him or knew anybody that worked directly for him. But Steve Palmer once said anybody could’ve worked for Ted, you never knew, that was his power. when he started the protection racket on North Side nobody believed he would get to where he is today. The guy there in the barber shop, big fat guy I mean porker fat, wouldn’t pay up the £1.50 so Ted, looks all of the people waiting for a haircut in the eye, then to show him what real will is, he shoots his own family then the people waiting for a haircut one by one, but he lets the last guy that needs a haircut live, he tells him I would rather see my family buried than live another day without that £1.50. Once his family are in the ground, he goes after the rest of the mob, he kills their kids, he kills their wives, he kills everyone that needs a haircut, he kills their parents friends, he burns down their houses and the stores they work in, he kills people that owe them money, he kills people who own scissors. And like that. He’s gone. Underground. No ones seen him since. He becomes a myth, a spook story “go to the hairdressers and No Neck Ted off Benedict will get you”. And no one really believes.

Teds rise to notoriety continued into the world of confidence tricks, fraud, hijackings, and eating penny goodies without paying for them in Sainsbury’s local on Mollison Rd. No one believed. No one knew if they could get a haircut. Everyone on Boothferry Estate walked around with massive hair, indeed this is where the 70s long haired look began. Clapton grew his hair. Hendrix grew his hair. . Led Zep formed on the back of it. Thin Lizzy penned Whiskey in the Jar. No one knew that the movement came from one man, No Neck Ted off Benedict, and no one knew that it wasn’t a fashion thing, it was just Teds manic affliction toward hairdressers due to £1.50 he was still owed. A whole movement started over that £1.50. That £1.50 led to Carnaby St, 10cc and Lemmy out of Motörhead.

Some say he once walked into Granby, he looks everyone in the eye, and ordered a pint of lager. Some say we miss those times. Ted sits down, drinks his drink, then he shows these men of will what real will is and orders another pint of lager. Bill in Just Gents could be heard from the back room of his barber shop shouting “he’s here. I know he’s here. I’m telling you it’s No Neck Ted off Benedict”.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.

And like that.




He’s gone.



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